No Greater Loss

Treasure on a Tuesday: Some Recent "Mainstream" Favorites

2012-02-07T22:44:00.000-07:00

Another new feature is kind of a take-off of something I typically do anyway, which is share what I've been listening to/what my favorite albums are and other things that I particularly enjoy, such as books, TV shows, movies, etc. - Basically just things that I consider "treasure" in the midst of all the junky media that can often drown out the better things in life. Each week, I want to highlight favorites from a certain category.

This week, I want to introduce you to some of my more recently discovered "mainstream" favorites (like, say, from the last three years or so). Don't be confused, however, not all of these are the most recent releases by the artists - just ones that I've latched onto in more recent years and that continue to be played wherever I can find music.

Grace Potter & The Nocturnals - This is Somewhere (2007)

Now, Grace Potter and the Nocturnals DO have a more recent album, their 2010 self-titled third album, but this is the album that made me fall in love with the Southern rock and blues style that makes this group very different from a lot of other music. It's like a road trip through the South, some fast, some ambling, from "Apologies" (the first tune I heard off the album and perhaps still my favorite) to "Big White Gate" and "Ain't No Time." Typically, I make sure not to listen to "If I was from Paris," which took me a few listens to realize was a little sketch. But an all-around great album. Also great, the band's first album, Nothing but the Water, which is quickly becoming Christopher's favorite.

Monarch - Lowly (2007)

I'm not quite sure how I stumbled onto Monarch, but I remember being floored enough by their debut, The Grandeur that was Rome, that I ordered the CD from Northern Records' web site (something very uncommon for me). Lowly, the band's follow-up, tones down the band's vibe a bit for a more mainstream-sounding album - though perhaps they are still far from mainstream. The album doesn't appear to be available on iTunes as it once was, but is definitely worth a listen. Favorites include the crazy drop-in on "Lose It All," the haunting simplicity of "Save Your," and the memorable title track where the choir-backed ending is chilling and poignant.

Mumford & Sons - Sigh No More (2010)

At this point, I think everyone knows about Mumford (and if you don't, you might actually have been living under a rock). The thing is, while most heard "Little Lion Man" hit the airwaves about 18 months ago, I heard "Timshel" for the first time in April of 2010. I couldn't get it out of my head for days because it was so incredibly pervasive and haunting. Therefore, my purchase. Destined to be one of the best albums of this generation, Sigh No More is some strange concoction of whirling dervish, folk, and bluegrass that somehow draws even the least country-inclined individual into its grasp. The band set out to make music that mattered - and I'd say they succeeded.

The Civil Wars - Barton Hollow (2011)

The first time that Joy Williams stepped onto the touring circuit, I saw her perform at a church with Avalon and some other contemporary artists. While I was impressed with her vocal prowess, I wasn't terribly with whoever was writing her songs. Apparently, I had reached the point in my life where I needed more than the confections that CCM offered then (and still does now). One of the reasons I loved Williams' last solo effort, Genesis, was that it did offer something a bit deeper. Once dropped from her label, she released a few EPs on iTunes through her own management group, filled with great songs like "We Mapped the World" and my personal favorite, "Speaking a Dead Language."

And then she paired up with this guy. There's something about John Paul White's ability to tone down Williams' voice, and the folksy style they adopted that is incredibly captivating. When "Poison and Wine" was released, it caused a minor ripple in the industry. This crazy independent duo was making music with a fairly resounding impact. Live from Eddie's Attic tided fans over until Barton Hollow was released early last year. I tried to wait until midnight so I could buy it on iTunes, but fell asleep. Instead, I purchased it the next morning, and I have loved it ever since. Particular favorites: "The Violet Hour," "My Father's Father," and the more traditionally country "Forget Me Not."

Weekend Workroom: Learning the Chevron

2012-02-06T15:35:00.000-07:00

So... this is why I haven't attempted regular features in the past: Life happens. In this case, life being the fact that our computer is currently not opening applications correctly. Therefore, I am currently re-installing applications and attempting a large-scale cleanup.

And that is why this post was delayed because, even though I took pictures and had things ready to go on Friday (go me!), I couldn't access Photoshop on our computer and I don't substitute with iPhoto, so... At long last, here we go.

As I mentioned in my post-Christmas post, I received some great books on crochet stitches for Christmas and was eager to get to work learning new ones. I've taken up a similar approach to what I do with new recipes - I mark when I actually conquered them (a simple date) under the name of the stitch itself. I've learned a few new things (and have kind of taught myself how to crochet properly - or at least the terminology that allows me to follow patterns, since I figured it out on my own many years ago).

One of these things has been the wonder of the chevron. There are a lot of chevron patterns to be had, certainly, and the book I'm using, Basic Crochet Stitches by Erika Knight (Interweave Press), has no shortage of them. I was drawn to the "Close Chevron Stitch" because it was a tighter and shorter pattern (and I'm not so great at counting my opening stitches, so shorter = easier to keep track of at first), plus it has an extra bit of gathered texture due to the tightness of the chevrons.

I decided to start a blanket for Chris, since I haven't made him one before. It might end up being a birthday present or an anniversary present because it'll take me a while to finish, but it was neat to go to the store with him and watch him pick out what he thought would go well together.

He settled on three yarns: A bronze-colored tan, a mossy green, and a variegated yarn with both colors, plus some dusty blues and a hint of aqua thrown in the mix. I've been alternating colors/yarns in sets of four rows, with the variegated between each solid color block. While the yarn's weight and size was meant to be used with an I hook, I used a J hook because I don't have an I hook. It essentially just makes the stitches a tiny bit bigger.

The one piece that is kind of distracting is that, at the beginning, I wasn't quite sure how to compensate for the extra stitches I kept running into at the end of my rows, so the first few rows are a bit longer than the rest of the blanket (if you come over once it's done, don't judge me). I'm not the type of crafter who is willing to put the work in again (it's like a half an hour for each row, people!), so I left it as it was. It's not highly noticeable. The book just says something like, "Repeat row 2," which isn't quite accurate, since rows 1 and 2 need to be handled just different enough at the ends.

Essentially, just take it as a reminder that practicing a new stitch for several rows on a smaller scale is good - that way, you can work out the kinks and not end up with them on your bigger piece of work.

In other news, our fabric store in town moved to its new location at the end of last week, which resulted in a severe markdown on many things (90% sometimes) that I've been looking at and hoping for a great markdown on in recent months. I think I spent somewhere in the ballpark of $14 total, but I wound up with a ton of great things for future projects.

Hydrangea stems (hello!), which I've been looking at for many, many months, were marked down to ~80 cents apiece. Compared to the $6-8/stem price tag they typically sport, I was more than eager to take them off the store's hands, and incorporate them as a new addition to our living room. I also got a pair of bamboo bag handles for about the same price (see below, with fabric remnants).

The big score, however, was that Simplicity patterns were on sale for $1.99 apiece. Seriously? I love making things, and often end up doing so from scratch or from free Internet patterns since the store-bought patterns usually run in the $12-18 range. So, I stocked up for future projects, and I'm seriously stoked to do something I've been wanting to learn for a while: How to make clothes!

First, however, I have a few things that are also on my to-do list: Continue the chevron blanket (naturally), a new purse for myself that is work-appropriate (using fabric remnants above, which I found in the bin at Walmart when I bought squid material), a Bible-cover how-to (per Laura's request), designing a new cross-stitch project (apparently my memory of what happened before Christmas has rubbed off a bit), and I'd really like to make some more earring sets because I still have a lot of beads floating around... Stay tuned.

Weekend Workroom: Squids!

2012-01-28T11:33:00.000-07:00

If you haven't picked up on it yet, don't worry: It's new. I'm trying to incorporate regular features into my blog every week.

You know, the whole "being intentional thing."

One of those regular features is going to be a weekly peek in at some of the things I've been making at home for purposes of all sorts, including recipes, craft and sewing projects, home projects that don't quite qualify as "remodeling" (see http://mercuryreno.blogspot.com for that), and who knows what. Making things with my hands continues to be a substantial part of my life, so I'll be sharing that with anyone who wants to stop by regularly...

Anyway, this week was kind of strange one. SALT (youth group student council) concocted this crazy game that mixed perhaps five different games (dodgeball, basketball/soccer, line tag, the whole snitch concept from Harry Potter, and maybe one other? Regardless, it was chaos). The main thing, however, was that at some point during that meeting I mentioned squids? And then proceeded to think on how we could actually have squids.

Which is when I started looking at squid projects online. Amazing, really, that when you type "free squid hat pattern" into Google, you get more hits than you probably should. People love their cephalopods (squids, octopi, and the like).

I landed on this particular pattern:
http://www.instructables.com/id/DIY-Squid-Hat/

It seemed easy enough, so I went to Walmart and bought the cheapest fleece I could find that seemed to be a squid color (I chose light blue). Some of it was in the remnant bin. With about a yard and a half of fleece (I think it was 60-in width), I managed to make four hats and have some left over. I picked up some flat-faced, shiny round buttons and some coordinating thread. Cost: $4 for fabric + $2 for thread + $1.50 for buttons = ~$7.50 total.

Everything was pretty straightforward, though the hats came out a bit smaller than they were supposed to be. I didn't realize until a few pages deep in the pattern that the grey border around the pattern pieces was supposed to be the seam allowance. The trickiest part was getting the machine to go over the thicker parts of the hat while sewing on the brim and fin pieces. Other than that, smooth sailing.

I didn't have a chance to put together the smaller tentacles as I had hoped, due to the fact I ran out of time before youth group, but they still look like squids to me, and I figure that's really the level of success I was going for anyhow.

Thursday Thoughts: Rain is No Measure

2012-01-26T03:09:00.000-07:00

[[Because this post will reference several seasons of life, I've decided to add links to some older posts concerning things referenced in the past (where applicable) for those who may not be as familiar with my life and growth in Christ over the past 13 years.]]

It is rare that enough is swirling around in my head late at night that it causes me to lie restless, compelled to write and compelled to seek the depths of my heart - these days, at least.

I have struggled to find a normal routine in recent years (see "A Night Owl's Growing Convictions on the Importance of Daylight"), migrating from night owl to functioning daylight person, and I have yet to strike a proper balance. I'm still often too exhausted in daylight hours to function well, perhaps reinforcing my theory from college that I actually sleep best when I start in the early hours of the morning rather than the later hours of the evening... but I digress.

As I laid in bed this evening attempting (or maybe not attempting so much) to find the sleep my body so desperately craves, several things swirled in my head as I mulled over things that have accumulated over the past few months of our lives. I apologize in advance that this might come across as an incredible and random mixture of thoughts, and put forth that they do coalesce.

The first is perhaps that this last week has seemed a lifetime. Chris shared a verse tonight with the youth kids from James: "So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin" (4:17).

And that might be where my self-evaluation is driven from tonight, casting my own actions and reactions in a fresh glow of saving light.

I know that I can trust God to have the best for me, and I know that it is good to do so - that I should do so. But I fail to, and that is sinful.

As I've mentioned before, my first listens of Sara Groves' albums seem to be ordained for the moments and seasons I need their truths the most (see "Christmas" and "Peace, Peace"). Her latest, "Invisible Empires" is no exception. A few weeks ago, I learned that she had a new album (that I somehow missed) and I purchased it with an iTunes card (a Christmas gift from my parents) the next day. I somehow wound up driving around town for a while trying to find a friend's apartment, which was probably a good thing because I was in tears by the end of the second song.

In the little more than a year since my grandmother died and I woke from my second major bout with depression since being married (see "A different kind of happy"), our lives have certainly been incredible messes. We have seen everything from freak accidents and rehabilitation to friends moving away and substantial delays in what we thought life would be. We have also seen incredible blessings (see "God is not a cashier at a fast food restaurant") and have been shown that God is still gracious toward us in every way.

But in the midst of all of the chaos (that continues), I'm beginning to realize that I have replaced some of my depression with a strong desire to control my life - and I'm finally realizing, more than a year later, that I truly hold no control over anything that I desire to hold firmly in the palm of my hand.

I cannot force someone to hire me. I cannot keep the sins of others from breaking my heart. I cannot control hurtful words others might say. I cannot prevent others from growing up and moving forward in their lives in ways that I feel incapable of doing. I cannot control whether or not we ever have children. I cannot keep others from moving away or falling away.

But I am finding that the things I do have quite a bit of say in are possibly the things that actually matter, which is a strangely liberating thing for me tonight. For the first time in more than a year, I feel I can take God at His word that He is not only good but has good planned for our lives - even if it doesn't turn out as we may have wanted it.

And this is where Sara Groves song, "Open My Hands," comes into the picture and is so incredibly poignant as it pierces my soul at its deepest points:

I believe in a blessing I don't understand -

I've seen rain fall on the wicked and the just.

Rain is no measure of His faithfulness -

He withholds no good thing from us.

I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain -

The broken find healing in love.

Pain is no measure of His faithfulness -

He withholds no good thing from us.

I will open my hands, will open my heart.

I am nodding my head, an emphatic "yes,"

for all that You have for me.

Certainly, this idea of common and special grace has been settling in my head for almost a year now (see "How He loves us..."). One of the most deep-reaching areas of struggle for me has been our desire to have children, with this month marking more than a year and a half since we began this painful adventure. It is something that we have held close and not heavily publicized.

And, no, I am still not pregnant. But God is still good, and I believe that more and more whole-heartedly the longer this waiting continues. The crazy thing is that I'm finally beginning to let go of the need to do all of this in my own timing. My desire is still there, and it sits with me daily, but some of the urgency is receding a bit as I realize it is good to trust the plan God has - and perhaps, for the first time, that to do otherwise is sinful.

Perhaps it is the unfortunate events of the past few weeks that have finally placed everything in the proper perspective, as I haven't had the opportunity to grieve as I typically do. It's amazing how, month after month, one can still have the slightest sliver of hope that things might finally be different than every month that has come before.

I may not be able to control my life, but I can be useful. I can do the good I have been entrusted with (Ephesians 2:10). I can enjoy my dear husband, whom I love and admire more than I did the day I walked to meet him in a church in Aurora, Colorado. I can enjoy the blessing of his friendship, his desire to know my heart, his desire to continue to lead us in the direction of the Kingdom - remaining faithful to the vows we took unto God and unto each other (see "Four Years and It is Lovelier (Still)").

I can choose joy. I can choose to continue my pursuit of the Kingdom. I can choose to be healthy. There is no sin in the pursuit of these things.

It has been interesting since the beginning of the year, when I resolved I was going to finally take control of my body and lose the 20 pounds that make me overweight. To that point, I had hoped they would just be taken over if I were to become pregnant, and had used that as an excuse to avoid being healthy as I ought to be. The strangest piece is that, as I've lost little by little and seen myself become a little smaller, I'm finding that there's life in that.

God has blessed this past year with an incredible and building desperation for Him in my heart. In my weakness and in my emerging into the light of sanity, He has been faithful to restore my awe of the love and grace He has given to me.

I have never longed for heaven more and have fallen in love with the promise of Revelation 21:5 - "And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.' Also he said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'"

All things new! Do we even dare to begin to think we know the implications of that thought? The world is broken, but the God I serve - the God who sent His only Son to redeem this wretch - is not broken, and is the same today as He has always been and always will be. How glorious!

And so I find myself desiring to embrace all that God has for me tonight, for the first time in a long time. The rain of the past year is no measure of His faithfulness or His love for me. He is good, and I want to open my heart to that truth daily - to see His infinite graces toward me in every star placed in the sky, every time of laughter with Christopher, every impatient pawing from a pup who just wants to be loved, every melody and lyric that resonates deep within, and every opportunity of sweet friendship, fellowship and worship. I am blessed in each and every moment, where there is at the least a hint of grace.

Common grace, specifically for me.

Listening to: Invisible Empires, Sara Groves
Reading: Emily's Quest, L.M. Montgomery

Christmas & Crafting

2012-01-09T19:06:00.001-07:00

Christmas was a little different this year, as we went to Nebraska to spend the holiday with Christopher's brother and his family (they have a little one who was born at the end of October, and he was still too little to travel). Regardless, it was really nice to get to decorate our home knowing that we are going to be here next December, as well.

You see, we've never lived in the same place two years in a row - so every year, it's a matter of finding new homes for decorations and merry-making items.

Surprisingly enough, I didn't wrap many presents this year and I didn't take any pictures of the ones that I did. It was kind of an off year because I didn't have my normal warm-up wrapping at my parents' house. It was nice to be able to use that time for some other things (some of which you can see over at our renovation blog, http://mercuryreno.blogspot.com), like a ton of crafting and reconnecting with Scripture.

Our camera is fritzing, so I've been taking pictures here and there when I feel like putting up with it for a while, but I realized after Christmas that I didn't take pictures of all of my projects like I probably should have. They included:

A sizable counted cross-stitch pattern of a family of wolves (bought approximately 10 years ago for my dad), that I picked up when our power went out in October and continued because (though I was supposed to) I never went back to work in November as planned. I'll try and grab a picture of it the next time I'm at my parents' house, where it now lives.
A few stuffed foxes for friends' little ones. Some turned out better than others, but it was kind of tricky because the actual stuffed animal was much smaller than I had anticipated and a little more complicated to sew because of its size. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), no pictures. I used this pattern: http://matsutakeblog.blogspot.com/2010/10/electrified-fox-lamp-tutorial-and.html
Earrings. Seriously, earrings? I never thought I'd see the day when I would make jewelry, but a co-worker gave me a bag of pretty cool beads, so I thought I'd see what I could do with them. I learned a bit about endcaps and spacer beads, bought some tools, and went to work. These are some of the ones I kept for myself, but I made something close to 20 pairs to spread around amongst various friends. Again, some turned out better than others, but it was a great learning experience, and I look forward to learning more.

I created an Advent calendar after looking for several weeks for a decent one with which I could do what I wanted - what I wanted apparently doesn't exist. Nobody does a full four weeks, just in case Advent goes a full four weeks (which it did this year). And they all have Santa on them, which is silly because Christmas is about Jesus and not Santa. In the end, I covered a piece of cork board with some fabric and printed off little triangles with names of God and readings from the Book of Common Prayer for each day. It's a little awkward to take them off and put them back on, but it'll work until we figure something else out. Regardless, it helped me remember that Advent is the anticipation of the Savior - and that is always something worth pursuing. The picture I have is bad because I packed it away already, but I'll hopefully get a better one next year.

Back in September, I started cutting out felt in anticipation of our nephew becoming a big brother. Due to my job, it took until November to finish the cape and get it shipped to Nebraska, but it turned out pretty well, in my opinion. Not bad for a first go at clothing.
I adapted it from this tutorial: http://pukingpastilles.com/?p=57

Earlier in the fall, we were also trying to find a way to put the people we pray for in a place where we could go and see them and spend some time in prayer. I finally settled on stringing a bunch of ribbons across the walls of our littlest bedroom and using clothespins (some decorated, some plastic) to hang up slips of paper with names. It's been pretty cool, though we've often had a house full of guests - meaning that we don't go in there as often as we would like. When we've prayed for a name, we take it down and put it in the box until all the names are down for a particular row (one row each for the girls and boys from the youth group and one row for friends and family members) and then we put them back up.

I also made myself a new cover for my Bible because I got sick of how I had rigged my last one to close; this one's a little easier to manipulate, and I really like it. It's amazing how you learn so much from mistakes you make the first time you do things...

All in all, though, it's been a neat season to see what I can make with my hands. I've been frequenting a lot of DIY/lifestyle blogs and they always make me want to make something or try something different with what I have. Pretty cool.

I got a few crochet books for Christmas so that I can teach myself some new patterns, and I'm hoping to learn a bit more about quilting this year and make my way through some of the stash that I've had for a few years now in anticipation of such an occasion. I recently rearranged closets in our bedrooms, and finally got all of the crafting supplies into their own arena, nice and tidy.

Easy to find stuff = easy to work.

Got lots of books for Christmas, and I'm excited to start in on them once I'm done with L.M. Montogomery's "Emily of New Moon" series.

Listening to: On the Altar of Love, downhere
Reading: Emily Climbs, L.M. Montgomery

God is not a cashier at a fast food restaurant... (Though I have been waiting here for a while and I'm still waiting for my order)

2011-10-30T22:47:00.000-06:00

The other night, Chris went to his high school's homecoming football game and I stayed home to recuperate a bit from some difficult things that I had taken in over the course of the day/week/month/year (it's been a little rough recently).

Thinking that taking some time to think included not making my own dinner, I ventured the mile up the street to a fast food restaurant, went inside, and placed my order at the counter.

Now, there were definitely other customers, but it's not like the place was swarmed. After placing my order, I filled up my drink cup at the beverage station and settled in to wait for my food.

About 5 minutes went by, which was fine (I'm willing to wait a bit if need be), and I noticed that one or two of the customers who had placed orders before mine were still waiting.

Another 5 minutes went by, so I went and re-filled my drink cup (because I'd been drinking my fizzy beverage since I started waiting). Still no food.

By now, though, I'm starting to realize that customers who ordered after me have gotten their food and moved out of the ordering/receiving area. But I still wait, thinking that maybe there was just an issue with that particular food and maybe they ran out of chicken temporarily or whatever.

And then another 5 minutes went by (we're up to 15 minutes now) and I realized that all but the two or three most recent customers had all received their food orders. Then the kid next to me (maybe he was in college) asked me how long I'd been waiting.

When other customers begin to notice that you've been there a while, there's a good chance that something went awry, so I went to the counter and politely told the cashier that I'd been waiting 15 minutes for my order and had yet to see or receive it.

Upon hearing this, she promptly went and grabbed my food order from the kitchen and handed it to me in a paper bag, and I returned home and ate it.

And as I ate my now not-so-satisfying bag filled with lard, I realized that what I had experienced in the fast food restaurant was a pretty acute metaphor for my life as of late - starting with the fact that I felt forgotten.

It struck me because I had been trying to explain to both Christopher and one of my friends earlier in the week (and in the day) how I felt, and I came up with a word (abandoned) that I knew didn't quite convey my feelings accurately, but for which I didn't possess a better alternative.

It's a weird concept, especially when you throw in the words "feel" and "by God." Because, let's face it - God's plans are not up for grabs at a fast food counter. You don't just go up and place your order, wait the prescribed amount of time for your next life season to fry in a tub of oil, and then take it home with you. It doesn't work like that. God doesn't work like that.

Nonetheless, I'm trying to root out this mentality when it comes to my expectations of God and His interest in and interaction with my life.

I feel like I placed my order 15 minutes ago, and I've seen people get theirs ahead of me and understood that they got here first and waited their allotments of time, but now people who arrived after me are getting theirs, too - punk kids, the geriatric crowd getting their milkshakes (I actually happen to love that older people go to get milkshakes together - I totally want to be like that, but that's not at all my point here), and others who are pretty similar to myself.

But the thing is, I'm still waiting. Sipping my fizzy beverage from my drink cup.

And, you know, I've started to get a little impatient. I'm eager to get my hands on that nice hot slice of deep-fried life. It just never comes.

And then I go ask again.

Of course, this is where the analogy breaks down, because God is not the cashier at a fast food restaurant, where the customer is always right and helpings are served up almost instantaneously if only you let them know that something didn't happen quite as it should have.

God is always right. Huge difference.

The thing that I'm really trying to work into my head, though, is that in the waiting for this big portion of life, I too easily skip over the blessing of the fizzy beverage sitting in my hand. It's easy to complain when it's there for too long and your hand starts to be incredibly cold, and you forget that you've already received part of your order - even if it's not the piece that you think you need.

I too easily forget the many blessings that God has given to Christopher and me over the past year. It has not been easy, and the fight to keep my life out of the prison of depression has been incredibly difficult in ways it has never been, and the fight against my flesh more intense and more acknowledged. I've been wearied by our circumstances. I miss people who have passed into the glorious presence of our God and who have moved out-of-state. I'm even back at work hoping to pay off some things that accumulated in the wake of Christopher's accident and buying a house (and those pesky student loan repayments that start up in February or whenever).

But God has greatly blessed us and been faithful. We might still be waiting for our order, but He's given us drink cups to fill and be refreshed in while we wait:

Christopher's surgery and rehabilitation went well, with no permanent nerve damage, and he's already back to doing most of the things he loves best
We are happily settled into our home, which was impossible from the start, but for which God cleared every hurdle and answered every prayer for help with finances and remodeling after Christopher's injury, and in allowing it to be a place where we can welcome others
I finished my coursework for my grad program (though that thesis is still pending)
Our summer with Mpact was incredible, and included a great conference, encouraging meetings with the youth, and a study of Galatians that was challenging
Christopher's job and coaching have continued, despite budget cuts statewide to educators
We have gotten to spend quite a bit of time with both of our families
When life finally settled down in September and I realized I was bored for the first time in months, I set out to find a job - and had three offers within a week

My spiritual drink cup is overflowing with gloriously sweet and fizzy beverage. I'm just struggling to see it for what it is because it's really cold and kind of sticky on my fingers, and it's not exactly what I wanted most out of the order I placed. I know I'm still waiting for what I ordered, and it might feel like things got lost back there behind the counter, but I'm trying to trust that it isn't the case. The God I know and love doesn't forget people - sins, of course, because Scripture tells us that, but not people.

And so, when you see me sitting around still waiting for my order, could you encourage me to just enjoy the unlimited refills on my fizzy beverage?

Because it's one thing to feel forgotten by God and another entirely to believe it.

Reading: Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
Listening to: Odd Soul, Mutemath; Vice Verses, Switchfoot

A Night Owl's Growing Convictions on the Importance of Daylight

2011-07-21T08:08:00.000-06:00

"I have come into the world as light, so that whoever believes in me may not remain in darkness." (John 12:46)

I woke up at 2:38 this morning with an incredible headache. And I'm not sure why, but a headache is one of the few things that actually will get me out of bed in the morning and keep me there. Perhaps that is why God allows me headaches in the night. Perhaps not.

Regardless, I took something and went back to bed, and slept for approximately three more hours. Considering that I only slept for a total of about five hours (and most of that was intermittent), it's quite an amazing thing that I'm not still in bed at the moment. I don't often function on five hours of sleep.

After letting the dogs out and putting the kettle on to boil water, I settled in with my Bible and the study I'm using as an opening devotional (since I completed it a few years ago and want to review some of the incredible truths that lie within - "Knowing God by Name" by Mary Kassian). I read my day's worth from the One Year (I'm in Leviticus and Mark, I think). Leviticus normally excites me, which I'm well aware of as being strange, but it just wasn't hitting me in the heart this morning as I emerged from my headache-induced fog.

As I sat there, I pondered over something that I prayed while Chris and I walked through our neighborhood the other night - that I hadn't thanked God for the season that He has just walked us through - and the following verse popped into my head (thank you, nearly 10 years of summer Bible camp):

"In everything, give thanks."

Which of course led me to the question, "Where the heck is that passage?" and "What around it might give me a better understanding of what that means?"

Amazingly, I still remember that reference pretty well (not a normal occurrence - the references are always the difficult part for me). I flipped open to 1 Thessalonians 5 and spent the next few hours steeped in the wonderment of trying to figure out verses 4-24, and what they mean to me.

But you are not in darkness, brothers, for that day to surprise you like a thief. For you are all children of light, children of the day. We are not of the night or of the darkness. So then let us not sleep, as others do, but let us keep awake and be sober. For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk, are drunk at night. But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and for a helmet the hope of salvation. For God has not destined us for wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us so that whether we are awake or asleep we might live with him. Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.

We ask you, brothers, to respect those who labor among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, and to esteem them very highly in love because of their work. Be at peace among yourselves. And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil.

Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.

There are more than a few things that I took away from this passage as convictions for my own life, but I'll only highlight a few (to avoid an even longer post, but perhaps I'll share more at another time).

The first is simply this: I need to belong to the daylight.

I have long been a 'night owl' and have attempted to justify my life in that respect. It is easy for me to stay up all night as long as I make it past midnight, but I rarely do anything that is worth doing so late. Now don't get me wrong - I understand fully that the meaning implied here is more metaphorical than literal - but I think (at least in my case) there's an actual reason for the metaphor that can be applied to the way I think about life.

It hit me this morning that there is a stillness in the early morning, just as there is in the middle of the night - but it is more glorious. The stillness of the night is magnified because I can see clearly what lies around me, and I am less apt to dwell upon myself and more apt to see myself in the light of who God is and what He has made me to be.

Additionally, I came to the realization that people live in the daylight. If my aim in life is to cultivate relationship with those around me in the hope that we each might each be justified and sanctified by the blood spent on the cross on our behalf, I can't expect that to happen when most people aren't awake or available! It is difficult to "admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, [or] be patient with them all," if I am not part of the daylight when opportunities to do so are most likely to present themselves.

How easily I have catered to my flesh, attempting to rationalize my need to sleep for (up to) half of the day because I didn't get to bed until late after having done little (if nothing) of sufficient worth for which to remain awake!

Part of why I think I struggle to "hold fast to what is good [and] abstain from every form of evil," is that I cannot see through the darkness. This can be metaphorical for me, as I have periodically battled with depression, but I think it can still be literal, as well.

And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. (John 3:19)

The society in which we live glorifies the darkness. When reading the verse quoted in the last paragraph, I found myself wanting to know where the loopholes were for "every form of evil." It is easy to think that my life must contain evil things because the culture in which we live is evil. But we deceive ourselves if we think we cannot abstain.

Darkness is striving into the daylight, and what was once hidden in shame is now socially acceptable to be seen and known. Let us not be deceived, for God will not be mocked - we will reap the destruction of sowing to our flesh (Galatians 6: 7-8).

The beauty of it all is this:

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. (John 1:5)

In truth, the darkness cannot overcome it. What a marvelous thing! The glory of the risen Christ will always drown out the darkness. He is greater.

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9)

Peaches & Recipes!

2011-07-12T10:17:00.000-06:00

In honor of all the lifestyle and food blogs I've been gravitating toward lately, I digress from my usual program to bring you this:

I love Colorado peaches. Having spent many of my summers growing up on the Western slope as the crops came in, I'm all sorts of supportive for peaches and sweet corn.

So I purchased some peaches when I last went to the store, and we've been enjoying them. Sometimes right out of the fridge (cold and refreshing) and sometimes like this:

And sometimes like this:

We love peach crisp. Tasty stuff, especially fresh from the oven with a bit of (or a lot of) vanilla ice cream...

Seriously, though, we're enjoying our new kitchen and have been trying to eat at home more. A few examples include carnitas in the crock pot (left) and honey chicken (right). Both are modifications off of recipes - the carnitas comes from a slow cooker book recipe for shredded beef, but I use pork and whatever peppers/chilies I can find, and the honey chicken is a Rachael Ray recipe, but with a lime-for-lemon juice substitution and some bell peppers for added flavor (and we don't make the rice the way she does - just white for us, please).

If you're interested, you can find the Rachael Ray recipe here:
http://www.grouprecipes.com/18248/honey-chicken-over-snow-pea-rice.html

The Reynolds' Carnitas
(based on "Shredded Beef for Tacos" from Fix It and Forget It, p. 126)

4-5 lb pork roast, scored deeply on top (if smaller, just decrease veggies)
1 large onion, chopped
3 garlic cloves
1 tsp. salt
pepper to taste
1 cup water

Mix & match chilies based on desired heat level:
(Last time for us - mild chilies and four jalapenos, as we couldn't find serranos)
2 serrano chilies, chopped
1 can (small - 4 oz, I think) mild chilies
2 seeded green jalapenos
2 seeded red jalapenos

Grease slow cooker (I prefer an olive oil spray, as it's easy) and add meat (scored side up), onions, chilies, garlic, salt, and water. I prefer to put all of the veggies together before adding them in, but it shouldn't make a difference in the outcome. I just make sure that they fall into the scoring, so the flavor seeps in through the middle of the meat as well as the outside.

Cover. Cook on High 6-8 hours. You can also cook on High for 4 hrs and then turn it to Low for 4 hrs - totally up to you.

Shred meat with forks. Put into tortillas with sour cream, cheese, rice, beans, lettuce, salsa - whatever your heart desires really. Leftovers are great for quesadillas, tacos, and a variety of other tasty foods.

I think it's safe to say...

2011-06-25T23:02:00.000-06:00

...that Abby likes our new home. In fact, we all do.

Four Years and It is Lovelier (Still)

2011-06-23T04:02:00.002-06:00

Four years ago, I slept in my bed at my parents' house for the last time. The 24 hours that followed bound me to my best friend in ways that I cannot even begin to comprehend - even now.

There is an incredible mystery to being one flesh. The idea that a man and a woman can join and image forth Christ in a new way is something so much beyond us that we could easily take our whole lives together in attempting to figure out just how He made this to work.

In the days that preceded my becoming a wife, I took time to reflect on some of the many reasons why I loved Christopher and the excitement I felt at finally becoming his bride. I put together a book for Christopher that was likely more piecemeal than story, but it was an incredible time to prepare my heart.

I picked up the book tonight on my way out of our bedroom when I couldn't sleep (I always have trouble sleeping the night before special things, perhaps because I'm prone to over-thinking and reflection in the wee hours). It was incredible to leaf through just a few of the pages, thinking about where we've been, where God has us, and the many places He has yet to carry us.

I am so incredibly blessed to have a husband who loves me and is willing to sacrifice for the sake of the kingdom, to call me out when I'm out of line and need correction, to stand by me day after day and yet not set me above the God who made him and saved him.

Before we were married, we attended a conference and heard one of our pastors talk about how he and his wife desired their lives to look like two people fighting back-to-back for the sake of the Gospel. Even though they may not have been 'looking' at one another, they were still fighting together.

Something about that idea caught fire in the both of us, and we have tried (and failed and tried again) to keep that idea at the center of our marriage. It has not truly ever been easy.

Our four years of marriage have been marked by a lot of ministry and the strained relationships that come with that commitment. We have had some intense family struggles that we have no desire to relive or revisit. We have learned that forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. God has pulled me through two seasons of depression. Chris has struggled with work, returning to school for his teacher's license and seeking his place in the classroom that God has only granted him in the past year.

But the root is that life is "lovelier still" when Christ is at the center, and marriage is no different. We have not had an easy lot, but we are anchored to something more than a desire for each other. As we said in our vows:

For better or worse, richer or poorer;
In sickness and in health;
In the pursuit of Christ and His glory;
Until death do us part.

Our aim is to pursue Christ and His glory until death parts us. Not because of anything that we bring to the table - by no means! It is only by the grace and the goodness of the God who saves us that we can make it through each day.

But because of His grace and goodness, we fight onward. Together.

It is Lovelier Still

How beautiful to wake in the morning

And see your beloved’s head next to yours
How beautiful to see sleep in the evening –
To find rest near the one you adore.

Yet lovelier still is to walk hand-in-hand,
Bound in Christ through this foreign land –
Knowing love and life in His sacrifice,
It is lovelier still.

How beautiful to provide for the one you love

And know that they will never have need

How beautiful to see past every fault and flaw –

To know there are more important things.

Yet lovelier still is to provide daily bread,
To feed until your souls are fed –
To find living water when your souls are dry,
It is lovelier still.

It is lovelier still with Christ at the center.
It is lovelier still when faithful and true.
It is lovelier still to step out side-by-side –
The world’s grace in the marriage of two.

Yet lovelier still is to not walk alone,
To look forward to your heavenly home –
To love each other as Christ loved His bride,
It is lovelier still.

Growing Pains

2011-05-30T02:58:00.002-06:00

Does anyone else still struggle to figure out what life is supposed to look like?

I personally have no clue. Factor in the fact that, somehow, in some way, Christ is meant to be at the center of it all, and I find myself floundering even when it comes down to deciding what to do with my life. Should I be an organizational communication consultant? A musician? A mother and homemaker? A professional gift wrapper (still holding out for this one to be remotely possible)? A writer? An artist? A seamstress? All of the above (laugh all you want, but I do try to make it all work in my head sometimes)?

By now, I do know that I can't have it all. On my best days, two of the above seem improbable, if not impossible. Perhaps I have too many interests or perhaps I think I do just so that I can avoid making a decision as to what to do with my time and energy and talents. Perhaps I'm just scared that what I have to offer the world isn't good enough. Really scared.

But there's the crux of the whole issue right there, isn't it? I'm not good enough.

I've spent a lifetime trying to skirt by on my own virtues and successes, in spite of the fact that it is God's supreme sovereignty and grace that has gifted me with everything that I have and am.

Currently, I'm finding my way through Water into Wine: Hope for the Miraculous in the Struggle of the Mundane by Kelly Minter. She is quickly becoming one of my favorite authors, for many reasons, but this particular book concerns the miracle of Jesus turning water into wine at the wedding in Cana (from John 2).

One of the most indelible things she has hit thus far has been the perspective of the servants. Her point is that they likely served guests and their masters day after day, year after year, with little variation in the routine - until Jesus showed up and asked them to draw water, which they drew and, somehow in the transfer, it became the best of wines.

But I love what Minter has to say:

What is it all for? Another day of work, another day of showing up, another concert, another wedding, another stone jar of water, another order from yet another person: "Fill the jars with water... Take them to the master of the banquet." The servants had probably been doing this for years. Feast after feast, they served people who were wealthier and higher in status. It was the same rote activity with no shadow of turning.

"Would you care for another hors d'oeuvre?"
"May I recommend the salmon puffs?"
"May I take your plate?"
"Can I get you a refill?"

Day after day. Water in... water out. Routine. Predictable. Monotonous. Mundane. Regimented.
What in the world is it all for?

I don't think I'm stretching things by suggesting that this may have been the servants' dilemma, because it seems to me that this is everyone's dilemma: We all go 'round and 'round, attempting to make life work just so we can get up the next day to make it work again. Whether we act on Broadway or deliver newspapers for a living, life doesn't seem to make much sense or have much value without the conviction that God is divinely involved, able and eager to reach down at any moment and turn the everyday stuff of life into something divine, something that counts for eternity, something that is beyond ourselves.

Beyond myself. I so rarely think in those terms. It's either "I can do this" or "I can't." There doesn't seem to be a fuzzy gray area in between where I discover that "I can't, but God can." I'm not bringing Him my water jars "filled to the brim" and expecting Him to do something bewilderingly amazing with them - such as turning them into wine.

I find every excuse not to fill my water jars. At all. I complain about the water being the wrong temperature, requiring a filter, or splashing all over what I'm wearing - I don't simply obey in offering all that I am and all that God made me to be (which is the same thing, really) for Him to use.

Not every day will be extraordinary. The servants at Cana likely waited a really long time before that one incredible day that Jesus was there. But I need to expect that God both can and will provide in miraculous ways for my life here and there. I need to expect that He can and will divinely speak into my life about what it should look like, where I should work, how I should serve those that I love (and some that I struggle to), and when to simply rest.

So this is what being grown-up feels like, huh? Still working to fork over to God the things that are already rightfully His... and praying that I might occasionally, by His grace, be able to do so.

Excerpt from Water into Wine: Hope for the Miraculous in the Struggle of the Mundane by Kelly Minter. Minter also wrote No Other Gods: Confronting our Modern Day Idols, which I read earlier this year and which was an instrument God used to reveal idolatry that had/has made a home in my own heart; and The Fitting Room: Putting on the Character of Christ, which just came out in April and which I will be starting as soon as I finish Water into Wine.

Like I said, one of my newest favorite authors. See kellyminter.com for more.

Take This (Simple)

2011-04-30T02:54:00.005-06:00

In 2006, I wrote a song and recorded it in the span of about 24 hours - it was my first experience with such a fast-paced process. Over the years, I've gone back to it time and again, grateful for the heart with which it was composed and a little bashful over the production value.

Tonight, the themes of the song still resonate deeply with me. Perhaps it is just that God has led me back into a similar season or that I still have not grown out of my abiding desire to hold perfection and control within my own grasp.

I wish this were simple -

This falling down and getting up again.

It would be easier if I wasn't so frustrated by bruised shins.

I get so frustrated. Not many people see that side of me. It's not that I get frustrated with life all that often (although that hasn't necessarily been the case in the last few months - an anomaly, I assure you), I get frustrated with how I react to life. My depressive, defeatist side comes easily out of the woodwork when things are brewing around me. Things like bruised shins hurt, but they heal if given the time. Unfortunately, I don't like how allowing time for such things to heal creates delays in "the plan."

But every fall is dangerous,

I've made an idol of control and, in doing so, lost it all.

It amazes me how the bruises of life and our desire to keep ourselves from them at any cost results in a continued effort to fix things on our own. Each trip and injury I sustain is dangerous because my pride makes me think I can fix anything that comes my way. And when I can't, I'm miserable, frustrated, and I've lost the most important hope that I have - that of Christ reigning over me.

Supposedly, it's simple -

This getting up and falling down again.

It would be easier if I weren't so daunted by the distance.

Have you noticed that almost everything we desire seems to be so far off? When I originally penned the lyrics for this song, Chris and I were dating and eagerly waiting to be engaged - at which point we would still be waiting, then just eagerly waiting to be married.

Waiting! I feel like so much of my life is filled with just longing and waiting to be somewhere else, someone else, and doing something else.

I find it difficult to trust God for the things that I've always considered "far off." Music is a great example. There have been seasons where God has opened my heart and my time to pour into creating music that I'm still proud of and desire to share with others, but those times have been few and far between. Granted, He has had many things for me in the "rests," the musical pauses between measures, but I've always been daunted by the scale of what I've desired to do with music. It's terrifying in so many ways to me, especially now that I am married and looking to a future in the workforce and eventually (hopefully) having a family - how does music begin to fit into that framework?

But every rise is dangerous -

I've made a mess of success, taking glory that is not mine.

And, yet, I wonder - am I still not in a position where I can fully give God back the glory that I so easily stole from Him in high school and in college and, heck, recently in thinking that I could do all of this myself? I so easily steal His glory and fail to realize that I have none whatsoever on my own.

How foolish our rises in pride are! How dangerous! I do not understand what I do - Lord God, have mercy on my soul!

I get into the perfect place for Satan to make me utterly useless - that place where I fear doing anything for fear of rising or falling too far from where God desires me to be. That place where I fail to surrender anything at all at the feet of the only One who can fashion all I bring into things of use for the kingdom. So much more often than it is, my prayer needs to (honestly and earnestly) be:

Take this away from me -

Take this fear of failing, this urge to hold all that's holding me;

Take this need for normalcy, these attempts to grab and keep.

Take this like of being liked, this view that I am holding everything;

Take this mind that believes perfection is right within its reach.

Take this from me.

Are you ever at peace within yourself? I think there have been times that I was, but they (as so many other things) are few and far between. I never know the meaning of "enough" - even if the sufficiency comes from Christ - and that is a problem. I am:

Never satisfied -

Always not quite right;

Never pleased with stumbles;

Afraid of every fumble.

But You're right here and You never steer me wrong.

It is to You that I belong.

I cannot even begin to understand the root concept that I belong to Christ and only Christ. It certainly is not reflected in my daily life as I waddle around in the mire I've created trying to serve too many masters. I too easily forget I can cling to the wonderful and mysterious beauty of the Word made flesh and made an atonement for my every sin.

That is the Hope of Easter. It is what my soul desperately needs every moment.

Burdens & Chaos

2011-04-28T13:05:00.002-06:00

If you have been keeping up with our renovation blog (http://mercuryreno.blogspot.com), you will know that our lives have been slightly chaotic for a long time. As the school year comes to end, we find ourselves in an accumulated pile of burdens and chaos that seems to have snowballed over the last few months.

Perhaps the biggest thing is simply that this spring was not anything like Chris or I ever thought it would be. I planned to work toward finishing my thesis. Chris planned to take a long-term sub position and continue to hope for a full time job next year.

We had no intentions of buying/renovating a house.

We had no thoughts of Chris hurting himself in the midst of that process.

We had no concept of what it would look like to have Chris try to work both his own job and the long-term sub job while recovering (twice) from knee things (the initial injury and then surgery eight weeks later).

We had no idea that it would be so hard for me to finish a semester where I haven't made any progress on my thesis whatsoever, can barely keep up with the one seminar I'm taking and the one lab section I'm responsible for.

And yet, as much as I tend toward disappointment and frustration in all of our stalled and delayed and unfulfilled plans for the last few months, I find that I am still attempting to carry this burden all by myself. Didn't Jesus say:

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs on your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. [[Matthew 10:29-31]]

I fail to see worth in myself unless I am fulfilling my self-ordained plans. It is simple to feel the failure when I have not really accomplished what I set out to do with the last few months. It has been a struggle even to see small projects (like the blanket below) get finished when their original purpose is no longer existent or has no use at the current time.

I've struggled with idols in my heart and misconceptions about God and who He is and how He views me like I have never before in the twelve years I've walked with Christ. There have been so many times where I have looked at my life these past few months and wondered if there was any blessing in it.

Don't get me wrong - I know that there is blessing in it and blessing written all over every inch, even if I still don't see all of it. But there are things that I have held so tightly to that they have accumulated upon my back and weighed me down. My relationship with God has been strained as I have struggled to understand what "blessing" and "common grace" and "love" all mean.

And yet, there is one thing that is always the last thing to come to mind - when I need it most of all:

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. [[Matthew 11:28-30]]

I need rest for my soul. Pray that I find it in the only place it can be found.

Latest Project: The Mercury Renovation

2011-03-25T00:05:00.004-06:00

So... Chris and I just closed on our first home. The thing is, it needs a lot of everything - cleaning, painting, new this, new that... all sorts of things!

While we're fixing the place up, I've started a blog to keep track of our progress. Check out daily updates at http://mercuryreno.blogspot.com!

How He loves us...

2011-03-03T22:39:00.005-07:00

Life since November has been a whirlwind of emotions and personal detours that has left me in a state of spiritual disarray. For a while, I found myself at the foot of the cross daily, glorying in the simple fact that my Father loved me.

Not only does He love me, but He loved me enough to send His most valued thing - His Son - to die on my behalf. That is no ordinary love.

“How He Loves” has become one of my favorite songs, and as I prayed tonight, struggling to grasp hold of some flotation device as I sank into my own misery, the words flowed into my mind and their meaning fought to take root in my heart.

He is jealous for me /

I am finding more and more that I have mistaken common grace for the immense and incredible love of the Father. It is certain that He bestows gifts of grace to all mankind - men and women see with eyes, eat tasty foods, experience success, and hold newborns regardless of faith in God. Christopher was quick to remind me the other night that God grants common grace to reveal aspects of Himself to the world and to draw men unto Him.

But He is jealous for me. That is no ordinary love. The love of the Father is a love that protects, never fades, and that fights for me when the covenant that I cannot keep on my own is threatened. My Savior will fight for my heart when other things threaten to take it from Him.

And, perhaps if I am fully honest with myself, He has had good reason to fight for my heart recently. There are too many distractions, no matter how hard I try to ward them off - only one taking root in my heart is too many.

Loves like a hurricane //
I am a tree / Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy //

‘Hurricane’ is an appropriate word. Life seems to be throwing all sorts of things at us from every angle and we can’t seem to make our way to the eye, where peace reigns in the middle of the storm. And we are certainly bending beneath every bit of its weight.

And, yet, I can almost see the love of God in each wind, if I let myself. God’s love abounds in Christopher’s skiing mishap, as He continues to show Himself faithful with the slow restoration of movement to Christopher’s foot and the fact that it could have been much, much worse. God’s love resides in our housing situation, waiting to close on a house that seemed impossible from the beginning and has been one victorious and humbling hurdle after the next. God’s love is evident in the girls’ retreat last weekend and the prayers that were answered for unity and love among them. God’s love brings mercy in the form of my little brother - who was fully available and gave up a few of his days to come help me get home things straightened out on a short deadline. God’s love is with others, as His protection and desire for His glory to be made great are revealed in circumstances beyond anyone’s control.

And God’s love is perfect, seeking to refine me to make me more like His Son.

When all of a sudden, I am unaware / Of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory /

Oh, how I wish I could understand what He is doing! I am so vastly unaware of the workings behind the scenes, of how these afflictions are to be eclipsed by glory because of the victory of the cross!

And I realize just how beautiful You are
and how great Your affections are for me //

It is too easy to look at the presence of common grace and pitch a fit over not being granted one or two pieces of it. Why do I care so much when I have something so much greater - when the God of the Universe loves me with no ordinary love?

I so desperately need to understand, but not what I think I must - I do not need to understand which pieces of common grace God has for my life, but the very important truth that He loves us. How He loves us so.

[["How He Loves," lyrics by John Mark McMillan]]

Peace, Peace

2010-12-13T18:47:00.005-07:00

Can I just say how much I appreciate Sara Groves and her ability to continually put forth album after album of music that is so incredibly good for my soul? This year, after having "It's True" on my everyday playlist for more than a year, Christopher and I went ahead and purchased the rest of her Christmas Album, "O Holy Night." All through December, I listened over and over to amazing words of songs that have been around for years - and felt as though I heard them for the first time, as Groves shaped the music around them in a different way.

One of my favorites is a song called "Peace, Peace", which includes a line from "O Little Town of Bethlehem" - "All your hopes and fears are met in Him tonight." What a beautiful line! And one that I have listened to countless times without actually understanding the profound nature of those words!

Peace, peace - it's hard to find;
Trouble comes like a wrecking ball to your peace of mind,

and all that worry you can't leave behind -
All your hopes and fears are met in Him tonight.

I usually love Christmas (and wrapping presents, which I could gush about for a while), but there was something so incredible about this Christmas. Early on, I began praying that my heart would be softened - that I would experience anew the incredible joy of our Savior's advent.

The end of the fall was particularly rough for me in places, but so sweet in others. In the wake of my grandmother's death, I finally found a perspective of what it means to hold to Christ all of our days - to walk with Him, to trust Him until the very end.

And I think that's when it hit me that God loves me. It's not this thing where He kind of tolerates me and decided that, since He was already saving a few others, I was available to throw into the bunch. Had that been the case, there would have been no need for things to have happened as they did.

To think that, not only did God humble Himself in becoming a baby boy in all of our human limitations, but He did so with the intent of taking on our filth so that we could be with Him each day of our lives on this earth - as well as the next day after we leave it.

I think I cried every day of the first two weeks of my winter break. Sometimes tears of sadness when I was overwhelmed by the still-new grief of my parents over their mothers' deaths, but mostly tears of gratitude and joy - something I haven't experienced in so much time I'm ashamed to admit to my lack of feeling.

God was faithful in answering my prayers that my heart be tender and softened for the season - all of my hopes and fears were met in Him.

Peace, peace - it's hard to find;
Doubt comes like a tiny voice that's so unkind,
and all your fears they conspire to unwind you.
All your hopes and fears are met in Him.

And, yet, it is difficult to return home. My hopes and fears here seem so very different than what they were when we were with our parents or at Faithwalkers and surrounded by our church family. I'm struggling to breathe the free air that I so easily experienced elsewhere. In my battle with apathy, I feel the ever-consuming urge to control what I doubt God can do. I've become laden with anxiety, my sleep has become erratic at best, and yet, still - All of my hopes and fears are met in Him tonight.

How splendid that my doubts and apathy have no effect on the goodness and glory of God - that even when I fail, He is still meeting all of my hopes and fears! My God is still in control over this mess that I continually make for myself. My God still rules the very air I breathe.

With that knowledge alone, I ought to (and can) have peace.

Peace, peace.

[[lyrics from "Peace, Peace" by Sara Groves, Ben Gowell and Aaron Fabbrini]]

A different kind of happy

2010-12-01T01:31:00.006-07:00

Go on and ask me anything - What do you need to know?
I'm not holding on to anything I'm not willing to let go of to be free.

I feel as though I'm emerging to new life in a very profound way. About a month ago, I was approached to share my testimony with the group of teenage girls and their moms, who I hang out with a few times a week. Since that time, I've been processing through what my story looks like, which is something that I haven't taken the time to do in a few years - at least not in any great depth.

Perhaps the greatest surprise has been a fixation on my battle with depression over the past 13 years. As some are aware, I have been in the midst of a major depressive episode since last August. It has been my third major battle with the disease. In my reflection, I've noticed patterns and triggers, and I've discovered a general sense of finally being able to understand what has happened off and on for more than a decade.

I've had several amazing conversations with my husband, who has been gracious and seeking to understand - perhaps all the more, as I have been more open than I have been in the past (as I begin to understand it more myself). I had the realization while eating lunch with one of my best friends today that I had never been candid about this particular area of my past with her - not necessarily because it wasn't important, but because I didn't feel it was necessary as it encompasses so much of my everyday life that I often can't separate it out.

And, in the midst of all of the processing I've been doing, I've realized that depression isn't highly addressed in Christian circles.

In looking back, I realize that I felt strange being a kid from a believing household and being constantly both down and lacking in joy. It never seemed right to talk about it. Until I was well into college, I didn't know that my mom had struggled with depression herself.

It just isn't talked about, which is why I've felt that it's been laid on my heart to focus on when I share Friday night. The society that we live in steals our joy - and we must fight for it.

I've got to ask you something - But please don't be afraid.
There's a promise here that's heavier
than your answer might weigh: It's me.

There's a beauty in resting in Christ's assurance of forgiveness and love, even when dealing with the heavy things. As believers, we should never be afraid of condemnation.

And, yet, as believers, we can so easily condemn others for what they share.

The result is that we each hide ourselves away and keep ourselves from true fellowship. The isolation we feel simply compounds until we feel entirely alone and without hope.

As humans, we fail every day. But we must be faithful to those of the household of God (and of those who are not!) - to love and forgive, because that is what has been offered to us.

It's a sweet, sweet thing -
Standing here with you and nothing to hide:
Light shining down to our very insides, sharing our secrets,
bearing our souls, helping each other come clean.

Secrets and cyphers - There's no good way to hide.
There's redemption in confession and freedom in the light.
I'm not afraid.

How sweet it is to belong to the household of faith. How beautiful to be able to stand before my husband and know that there is nothing between us that is hidden, no matter how much it may hurt to have it out in the open. There's a wonderful freedom in having those things that reside in darkness being brought into the light of the grace and forgiveness and love of the Gospel of Christ.

I feel as though I might be discovering that freedom for the first time - hence, this odd little emergence I've been experiencing.

There's a "different kind of happy" that I'm learning to embrace. I don't have to dwell on what has come before, nor on what I've lost.

God has been faithful to me and, for the first time, I think I'm realizing that the God I am coming to know here will always be the God that has claimed my heart and life - nothing can change that or take that away from me.

When death comes, I want to be like my grandmother, who crossed that threshold and was not surprised at Who she found on the other side.

He is always mine. That means now and that means then.

And that means before the beginning of the world, I was His.

What a glorious thing to celebrate at this time of year - The promise of continuation when life on this round, ruddy rock has expired. Praise God!

[[words from "Different Kinds of Happy" by Sara Groves]]

He will not abandon my soul

2010-11-18T14:09:00.002-07:00

Psalm 16: You Will Not Abandon My Soul

A Miktam of David.

¹ Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
² I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you.”

³ As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,
in whom is all my delight.

⁴ The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.

⁵ The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
⁶ The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

⁷ I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.
⁸ I have set the Lord always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

⁹ Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
¹⁰ For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption.

¹¹ You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;

at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

How beautiful the thought that the same God who made us and sent His Son to die for us will not abandon our souls! There is rest in that thought.

And at the end of our lives, when we are on the cusp of entering the Kingdom and finally seeing His glorious face and beholding the pure joy of an unfettered, eternal life, we will fully understand what it means that He does not abandon our souls to Sheol. He has rescued us and kept us close to His very heart.

To cast in our lots with Him to the end is the path of life. After 91 years, my dear grandmother just walked out of this world and into the presence of her King, into the fullness of joy, and will only behold His pleasures forevermore.

One day, I'm going to join her.

Impending change and all that stays the same

2010-11-09T01:33:00.002-07:00

Change is a funny thing. The more you experience what surprises it may hold, the less those surprises actually surprise you when they happen. In fact, there is something within us that knows change is coming - we just never know when or quite how it will take its effects. And, for that, we lie awake in the middle of the night wondering what comes next.

But I don't know how to deal with what comes next.

Mountains high, valleys low -
These are the things that makes us grow.
But all I want to know is if You can hear me,
and all I want to know is if You're still there.

It's easy to struggle these days. My life consists of constant busyness, and I so easily hide within it. There are a lot of changes coming into our lives very quickly, and the result is that all sorts of things that are hidden - that I still can't even name - are making their way out into the open.

My battles with trying to feel a part of the kingdom of God as an individual are nothing new. For the last few years, my few posts have largely dealt with that topic - of feeling inadequate, useless, fickle, and disconnected.

I think it all boils down to feeling burnt out when it comes to the personal Gospel of Christ. It is not difficult to believe that Christ came to die for me. I am easily a sinful, bitter, defiant child who cannot save herself. But for some reason, I have not been able to connect that to love for my Father, for my Savior, for the One who should be at the center of all - either lately or often.

It has become difficult to separate the spiritual defiance from the psychological defiance. And, please, don't get me wrong when I talk about psychology... I do believe that there are specific responses that are built into our bodies - I do not, however, believe that they excuse behavior. It is second-nature to blame my depressive tendencies on all that is happening now - and perhaps I need to start with those tendencies, unravel and attack them, before attempting to figure out why I have been feeling so defiant.

I keep using that word - defiant. Nothing else seems well-enough equipped to describe my current mindset. I am boldly resisting and challenging much of what has come my way over the last few years, as well as many of the things that I know are coming. In the sincerest sense, I hate that I do so, but I also feel powerless to quench it.

And perhaps that is where I have to remind myself that the love of God is impermeable and immutable - there is no depth I can traverse that He does not readily hear me and is not eager to be by my side. There's such a blessing to know that I am His forever, even if I don't know it.

So I can feel Your love wash over like rain;
I could feel Your joy in the midst of my pain.

Can You shine? Shine, on me.
And give me the faith I long to believe, please?

I wish I knew what my soul was longing for me to believe in! All I know is that there is a strong desire within me that is looking for some rest, some peace of heart, some reassurance - and yet I have no idea what it is, much less how to take it before the Lord.

Seasons change - Well, I change, too.
Like spring and summer, I fall to You,
and all I want to know is if You can heal me;
and all I want to know is if You're still listening, God;
and all I want to know is if You're still there, God.

The leaves have been changing outside, and in their brilliant displays of reds and yellows and oranges, I find myself marveling at how beautiful change and the cycle of death and regeneration are in life. The problem is that I feel as though my soul is failing to regenerate this time - as though I've run out steam in the dying process.

There are times when I wonder if I'll ever know the springtime understanding of freshness and new life. It's easy to crawl into a hole and hibernate, and much more difficult to crawl out and embrace a new season where everything is unfamiliar and uncertain (you never know when you'll get a snowstorm in May!).

And, yet, I am beginning to see that I am in desperate need of Spring in my soul.

So, why don't You shine? Come on, shine on me,
and give me the faith I want to believe?

I believe. I said, "I believe." No one's gonna take away that from me.

Perhaps that's where it starts - with understanding that no one can negate that Christ died and rose and conquered that death and my sin for me. Why do I not understand this daily? Why can I so seemingly move from activity to extra busyness and forget why I live in the first place?

No one can take Christ from me - not even me!

So why don't You shine? Come on, shine on me.
I know You will shine on me.
I know You're going to shine on me,
and You'll give me the faith I know to believe.

Seasons change - Well, I change, too.
Like spring and summer, I fall back to You.

I don't know how to handle what is coming.

I am perfectly certain that this next season will not be easy for me to bear. Regardless, it will be fruitful and it will be full of my stepping out in faith in new ways, hoping to see and know the One who has saved me in new ways.

Some days, I wear struggle like a piece of clothing. Today was one of those days.

And when those days are here, I pray I remember Christ is my strength - and fall back to Him.

[[words from "Mountains High Valleys Low" by Phillip LaRue]]

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes...

2010-09-14T01:27:00.008-06:00

How fickle my heart

I cannot begin to describe how fickle my heart is. When it comes to change, to "irresolution, or instability," and to not remaining "constant or loyal in affections," I fear I have become quite adept at having a fickle heart.

I'm not quite sure I know what I want out of life. My affections change daily. One day, I am entirely enraptured by my program of study in getting my master's degree; the next, I am antsy and simply cannot wait to be done. One day, I weep at the knowledge that I am saved by the grace of a living and loving God; the next, I act as though I have no idea of who He is or the fact that He wants to spend time with me.

My heart is capricious in every form:

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?" [[Jeremiah 17:9]]

And how woozy my eyes /
I struggle to find any truth in your lies

Perhaps the biggest thing I've noticed lately is that I seem "stupidly confused" and "muddled." I don't act intelligently. It appears that I can't even decipher truth and keep myself from falling into pits of despair when lies present themselves before me.

I have forgotten who I am, and especially who God views me as - a beloved daughter, a righteous saint! Instead, I am caught up in who (and what) I'm not - perfect. I see my imperfections at every turn in my lack of desire, my selfish tendencies, and my seeming inability to be faithful.

And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know /
My weakness, I feel, I must finally show

All of this leads me, naturally to the place where I have such little faith in what I don't know. For instance, I have no idea just what God has planned for me when I finish this program - I don't even know if I'll have a job next semester! And, yet, I've stumbled so often in trying to plan around these great unknowns, rather than trusting the One who knows them all.

Therein lies my greatest weakness. I fail to trust God.

It seems as though it would come intrinsically enough for me, someone raised in a Christian home and who has seen God's provision and direction for 25 years... But I've rarely seen my own need as much as I have of late.

And the exposure to my need has revealed that I do not trust God as I ought. It is so much easier to "lean on my own understanding," as Proverbs says. It is too easy to see myself as wise and capable than it is to turn over all that I do not know to someone else.

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all /
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall

There is a blessed sweetness in fellowship. Inside of it, there seems to be the ability to conquer anything and everything that comes our way. But, even with others by my side, I look to our ability to conquer - not God's. If left to me, I would "just let you fall." I cannot conquer on my own. In all honesty, I'm beginning to believe that I cannot conquer at all.

"If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy, I could have won."
[[Mumford & Sons, "I Gave You All"]]

The reason is simply that I'm apathetic - and I'd love to know why. Perhaps I am ignoring the raging battle that pits joy against my depressive tendencies. Perhaps I indulge my flesh more than I ought. Perhaps I do not know what true desire looks like.

But it tends to follow me, this apathy. I long to long for Christ, yet I find it difficult to obtain. My apathy is my biggest enemy, and that means I have a lengthy and difficult battle ahead of me. I can't let it keep winning. There is no victory if I let it win, and I have been called to victory:

"... in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." [[Romans 8:37]]

Lend me your eyes - I can change what you see

It is not unusual for me to desire new eyes. I have been legally blind since middle school and have had a desire to see without aid for many of those years.

But in my physical blindness, I have failed to see my spiritual blindness. I need new eyes! The thing is that I can't just pop them in like I do with my contacts - I need the scales to be lifted from my heart. I cannot continue in apathy and expect to see the glorious grace that God has bestowed upon both my life and the world around me.

But your soul you must keep totally free

Anyone who knows me well understands that I see life rather negatively. It is unusual for me to experience lightness and freedom of heart, and it is far more usual for me to feel the burden and weight of what seems to be the whole world on my shoulders. Life is a responsibility to me - and only when the responsibility is covered do I feel I can actually experience freedom.

Sadly, these times are few and far between. I do not understand freedom, or joy, or lightness of heart with enough frequency even to know what they look like.

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." [[Psalm 42:11, 43:5]]

So, if you think about it, please join me in praying that I might learn what freedom and joy look like - that I might abandon my apathy and understand a desire that leads to action and to the feet of Christ. It has been far too long since I sat at His feet and let myself simply be.

Awake, my soul! Awake, my soul!
For you were made to meet your Maker.

[[Headings taken from Mumford & Sons, "Awake My Soul"; Definitions from dictionary.com]]

Why I'm leaving Facebook after 7 years as a user...

2010-09-07T16:50:00.004-06:00

There was once a time that Facebook was simple, and so (to be honest) was my life. I went to classes and came home, seeing all the people I really knew in the dorms, catching up with them at dinner, and enjoying late night chats in the lounges. The few people I didn't see regularly, I began to keep up with on "the Face", which gave me a little bit of insight to their lives when I gave them a phone call and got caught up that way.

Life's now a little more complex, however, and so has become my Facebook habit.

Now, I've never gotten into the games. When I first saw that my father had planted corn (in Farmville, as I later found out), I was really confused because my parents' neighborhood won't let them plant anything edible. And when I tried to get into playing Scrabble with the family, I would forget to check on the game and ended up force-forfeiting almost every one I ever tried to play.

So, obviously, I'm not talking about that.

What has gotten quite absurdly out of control has been my need to know every tidbit about every person that I both do and do not hang out with on a daily basis. It wouldn't be so bad if I actually took the time to seek out each individual to see how he or she was doing, but the fact that it is so readily supplied and I do not need to initiate any type of communication (or relationship), is ridiculous. No wonder I feel cut off from people - almost every relationship is mediated and nothing is genuine.

So, why now?

I've been toying with this idea for a while. It is nothing new in the back recesses of my mind, though perhaps not purely in this light. My original stance was going to be for privacy, but Facebook fixed some things and that's not really a hill I wanted to die on.

This, however is:

Do not turn aside after empty things that cannot profit or deliver, for they are empty. [1 Samuel 12:21]

Those that cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs. [Jonah 2:8]

When we put it plainly like this - as a direct choice between God and our stuff - most of us hope we would choose God. But we need to realize that how we spend our time, what our money goes toward, and where we will invest our energy is equivalent to choosing God or rejecting Him. How could we think for even a second that something on this puny little earth compares to the Creator and Sustainer and Savior of it all? [Francis Chan, Crazy Love]

Now, I don't want to say that Facebook is entirely empty or without value - it certainly can be useful when handled with the correct heart. I simply do not currently have that heart.

Facebook can be a great communication tool, but I am not using it as such. It can be a great way to keep in touch with old friends at various distances, but I often find discouragement, heartache, and even bitterness in what appears in my News Feed.

My heart is not centered heavily on Christ right now - and I'm finally seeing that to be the root of the problem. I need Christ, but I do not see my need for Him.

And this must change.

In the next few months, I'm hoping to seek the stripping away of "worthless idols" - those things that are empty, that do not "profit or deliver" me to the foot of the cross. I want to choose my Creator over the created things that He has so graciously given me. I want to know again the desire to sit at His feet and be fully known by Him. I want to boldly come before the throne of grace - and, right now, I do not remember what that looks like.

Therefore, the first thing to go is Facebook. More will certainly follow, though it will certainly be a process that requires honesty with myself where (especially) my media use is concerned. Only as things are stripped away will I see what needs to go next.

My life has become a constant refrain of, "If only I get to keep (fill in the blank)... (fill in the blank)." We were created for so much more - if there is "no greater loss" than to lose myself in the One who was broken and died on a cross so that He could conquer death and my sin in His resurrection, then I need to change how I live, for my life does not currently reflect this.

On September 15th, I will pull the plug on my Facebook account. Until then, I'll be trying to gather as much contact information as I can so that I might possibly cultivate relationships again, rather than seeing my reading of status updates for people I know as "relationships".

Regardless, you can still get ahold of me here, at my e-mail address, akatereynolds[at]yahoo.com, on Twitter [akatereynolds] or by telephone.

Listening to: Mumford & Sons, Sigh No More
Reading: Jan Karon, In This Mountain [among other things]

The Fast Waking Hours

2010-07-17T23:32:00.006-06:00

I am finding that time moves incredibly fast these days. Already, I am two-thirds of the way through my summer and wondering 1) where June went and 2) when I'm going to work on stuff for school that I've been intending to do since I got done in May and really haven't had much time to do.

And, yet, perhaps the most striking thing I've noticed in the quickly passing days is how little of that time I am spending with my Savior. Which self-perpetuates, sinfully, as I am then ashamed of not spending time at Christ's feet and hide myself away - even more afraid that I ought not to come near Him.

My heart longs for so many things, yet I am afraid of those things. I yearn to pursue music (still can't get rid of that itch), but I refuse to sit down and work on it. I desire to write (in general, like a book) about my experiences growing up and how my walk with God has changed over these many years, but I sit down one evening and never return to it.

I find that I am failing at faithfulness. Perhaps I need to just keep that before me and remember the One who is forever faithful.

In all of my oddities, I often return to the poor midnight/haphazard recordings I do of songs after I write them (so that I can at least remember what I intended them to sound like), and I keep coming back to everything I've written in the last few years and just wondering why I feel stuck in the same places.

And I keep re-visiting a song I wrote when I went to my parents' house over winter break (a rare fit of intending to write some music). It was rooted in the following verse, which ought to more earth-shattering to me than it is most days:

They know not, nor do they discern, for he has shut their eyes, so that they cannot see, and their hearts, so that they cannot understand. No one considers, nor is there knowledge or discernment to say, "Half of it I burned in the fire; I also baked bread on its coals; I roasted meat and have eaten. And shall I make the rest of it an abomination? Shall I fall down before a block of wood?" He feeds on ashes; a deluded heart has led him astray, and he cannot deliver himself or say, "Is there not a lie in my right hand?" [Isaiah 44:19]

I so easily forget the ONE God. LORD Jesus, may it no longer be so!

Listening to: The Civil Wars, Live from Eddie's Attic
Reading: Madeleine L'Engle, The Irrational Season

***
Blocks of Wood
©2010 A. Kate Reynolds

I have worshiped my blocks of wood;
I have eaten their ashes and fashioned their shape;
I have used them for fuel and warmth;
and when the days close, I hold them high and say:

“These are my gods;
the fruit of my toil.
I’ve worked and whittled
taking them from the soil.”

These gods can do naught
but rest in my hands -
I need to remember and understand:

That there is one God who formed me,
and one who calls out my name,
who has chosen to redeem me,
and removed my sins and their stains.

So, sing out, oh heavens,
Shout, depths of the earth,
For the Lord has redeemed
and stripped away the curse!

I have worshiped the graven gold;
I have found it a comfort and hated its loss;
I have trusted the men on its sides;
and when the days open, I hold it closeby:

“These are my gods;
fashioned by men.
I think I’ve deserved
every bit I did win.”

But these gods can do naught
except clink in my hands -
I need to remember and understand:

That there is one God who formed me,
and one who calls out my name,
who has chosen to redeem me,
and removed my sins and their stains.

So, sing out, oh heavens,
Shout, depths of the earth,
For the Lord has redeemed
and stripped away the curse!

Gods of wood and gold can’t go before you.
Gods of earth and stone can’t ever love you.
There is only One who...

That there is one God who formed me,
and one who calls out my name,
who has chosen to redeem me,
and removed my sins and their stains.

There is one God who keeps me;
There is only One who came;
There is one God who frees me,
who has loosed all of my chains.

So, sing out, oh heavens,
Shout, depths of the earth,
For the Lord has redeemed
and stripped away the curse!

***

11 & 300

2010-04-11T01:52:00.004-06:00

On April 21, I will turn 11.

For eleven years, I have walked with Christ; I have written music; I have seen His faithfulness in every aspect of my life.

And in preparation to celebrate, I have started my annual trek through old prayer journals. I can only stand amazed at the goodness and faithfulness of God.

Even in my moments of utmost foolishness, He was fully faithful. Every year, I walk away with some main thread of what God has been teaching me. Perhaps what this year is about is coming to an understanding of the faithfulness of God.

I picked up one of my prayer journals from my best friend back in December. She had borrowed it many years ago and had kept it for several after that.

It is this journal that I picked up tonight when I couldn't sleep. I can't tell you the last time I read any of its pages, but its pages tell of my last year of high school and my first few years of college.

I must have been an odd specimen as a teenager, though perhaps it was the depression that I constantly battled that made me as introspective as I was. Every page contains depth that I somehow trusted God with.

At my worst, I still asked Him to correct my heart and bless me.

Granted, I was horridly foolish, but foolish with an honest, God-fearing heart.

And yet He was faithful! Prayers that I don't remember ever praying are recorded in the pages of this simple book - prayers for the husband that sleeps next to me, for the shaping of my heart, for perseverance in music, for peace.

Eleven years. How did they go by so quickly? How does each phase seem as if it were another life? I somehow went from 14 to nearly 25 and feel as if I've lived five lifetimes in the blink of an eye.

I'm so grateful for the roles that different people have played in my spiritual development over the years. As I read, the names flooded me and I felt the overwhelming desire to track each of them down to express my gratitude. Unfortunately, this would likely be impossible, especially as I'm called to be faithful in the life that God has blessed me with at the present time, but how much I still love them! How blessed I was to know them!

Somehow, I've also reached 300 posts on this ol' blog. 300 posts in five years. Some years have been a little more wordy than others, I suppose, but they're all here - and each one reflects a place in my life where Christ was living and active.

And I am so grateful for that.

In reading through my prayer journal tonight, I was struck by my faithfulness and diligence in seeking God through writing during those years. I wrote constantly. I prayed constantly. I relied on Christ day-in and day-out. God's faithfulness to me over the years calls me to remain faithful, and I am learning what that means in my daily life - all over again.

Life looks so much different at 24 than it did at 14, both in obvious and subtle ways. But there is one thing that remains the same - I am still human and I still desperately need a Savior.

Hallelujah! No kinder Savior waits for me than Jesus Christ, the Son of the Living God.

Could It Be?

2009-09-24T02:19:00.002-06:00

I wrote a song almost two weeks ago that has haunted me ever since. I've been struggling for the last few months to figure out why I can't maintain consistency in my walk with God, why I can't seem to be faithful in the many little things that I try to juggle...

What I am slowly learning, all over again, is that I need to start letting God pick up the things that I feel I need to juggle - in some ways, I need to let them crash to the ground and see what He makes of all of it. I'm overworked, underslept, and spiritually undernourished; and it's an absolutely horrible combination.

But this song keeps haunting me. I keep asking myself, "Will this be the moment when I feel the nearness of God again?" and "Will this be the night from which I'll feel new again like I did ten years ago when I accepted Christ as my Savior?" It's not that God has failed - I've simply failed to desire Him whole-heartedly.

I've let my gaze drop too many times. I've come to think that "I've" got it all together after ten years of running this race and seeking God on what I now recognize as often shallow terms. I've said "no" to late nights with Him in exchange for meaningless (and unsatisfying) media content.

And it cycles through predictably, as it does in every season of life. I keep thinking that if I get to the next thing, I'll be more faithful, I'll be more disciplined - and, again, I'll finally be more in love with the One who first loved me.

But it's not about asking myself if this is the moment - it's about making this the moment. It's about picking up my Bible when I'd rather watch a TV show. It's about picking up Tozer when my brain screams at me to pick up my textbook. It's about spending my late night hours on my knees instead of wandering around looking for something to do until I'm tired enough to sleep.

The revelation that I do not answer to my flesh at the end of things is sinking in deep over the last few days. I will not stand before my flesh and list off the ways I fulfilled its desires! I will stand in front of a living, holy God who secured both my payment and freedom from bondage by no simple offering. And I will answer for, not boast in, the ways I appeased my flesh. Each and every time.

"It is easy to learn the doctrine of personal revival and victorious living; it is quite another thing to take our cross and plod on to the dark and bitter hill of self-renunciation. Here many are called and few are chosen. For every one that actually crosses over into the Promised Land there are many who stand for a while and look longingly across the river and then turn sadly back to the comparative safety of the sandy wastes of the old life."
[[from "Born After Midnight," by A.W. Tozer]]

So, yes it's true that this moment could be here. Only the passing of time will truly tell if this was the moment I remembered my immense need for a Savior.

But I certainly hope that it is.

For anyone wanting to listen to the rough midnight recording done in our garage, it's up at my PureVolume page (http://www.purevolume.com/akatereynolds).

Could It Be?
©A. Kate Reynolds (Sept 10, 2009)

Here I am -
Here in this moment I find myself in,
this moment where I might possibly begin
to start over.

Could it be
That this moment so full of possibility,
this moment is where I might finally breathe
without going under?

Could it be that this moment
is where I fall back in love with You?
Could it be that this moment
is where I remember my need?
Could it be?
Could it possibly be?

Here I am -
Here in this place I can’t let You in,
this place where I find I’m dirty and broken
and incomplete.

Could it be
That You could even want this version of me,
this me that You can clearly see
is in need of mercy?

Could it be that this moment
is where I fall back in love with You?
Could it be that this moment
is where I remember my need?
Could it be?
Could it possibly be?

Can it be true that You offer forgiveness?
It’s a beautiful and wonderful truth!
Can it be true You offer me my freedom,
in the knowledge it’s only found in You?

Yet, it’s here!
This moment where I know my Savior
This moment I fall in love like never before -
This moment!
It could possibly be.

Could it be that this moment
is where I lift my eyes off of my feet?
Could it be when I fix my gaze
and forget I was unclean?
Could it be?

Thoughts on Grief and Joy

2009-09-07T03:02:00.005-06:00

It has been twelve years since I last found myself in the throes of deep grief. Twelve years of grief, depression, and, finally, redemption. As its recurrence begins to circle once more, I keep pushing it off to the edges of my mind - hoping that in doing so, enough time might pass where either it will be found that the truth of what is now reality is not actually true (and that everything is as it should be) or that it might not hurt as much when I finally do turn toward its face.

I am quickly discovering that I do not know how to move on from here. It’s not as though I’ve been through an exact replica of this process before. Before, I was lost in and of myself long before grief overcame me. Before, I felt that there was no one left, that no one truly cared at all for what I was experiencing.

But now, my life is so drastically different. At age 12, I was just beginning to discover what corners life so deftly hides away until one comes of age. Here, now 24, I am firstly redeemed, secondly married, and third, no stranger to mourning.

The hardest part is perhaps that there are now twelve more years of memories with this beautiful woman. Twelve more years of being welcomed, loved, fed, and entertained by her hospitality and antics. Twelve years where she lived even though what she had so dearly loved - her husband - had been snatched out of her beautiful, slender hands. Twelve more years of Scrabble and sweet tea and game shows and pictures of all the grandchildren (and great-grandchildren) on the fridge.

The second hardest part is I didn’t think the last time I saw her would be my good-bye. I saw her fighting her aging body, recovering her speech and movement and sharpness of both mind and wit. I saw her in all her stubbornness, desiring to return home and return to living.

And now, she’s gone. Nothing remains but memories and the haunting scenes of my last pieces of time with her, ending with her telling me she loved me.

That was her greatest gift to me - that she loved me.

My grandmother, Eula Frances, was a strong woman. She didn’t have to maintain power or have people think of her as more than a homemaker. She was just strong. She knew who she was and who she loved, and that was more than enough.

She married one man, my grandfather, and remained his wife until the day he died. She raised four children, who from her inherited wit, wisdom, and a love of words. Her home was always open, the candy dish full, and her hands always ready to slip into someone else’s. Following my grandfather’s death, she knew the blessing of another companion. Many women can’t seem to find one good man, but my grandmother was wife to two. They lived, and continued to love and welcome all into their home.

I can still remember reading books in my grandparents’ living room, in that small yellow house in Camby, Indiana, and listening to the family gathered around the eat-in kitchen that didn’t have the space to be an eat-in. They would talk, play Scrabble, and argue about whether or not words were valid. As a child, it might have been the happiest place I knew. It had all the sounds of happy. I’d pause, smile to myself and keep reading.

I have to keep telling myself that I will once more experience that ‘happy’ - that, one day, sitting in a room of people and hearing their murmurs and exclamations will bring joy and not overwhelming sadness. I know that one day, I’ll hold children of my own and I will tell them stories of their great-grandmother, who was a beautiful woman, and it will be healing to share her with them, instead of pain-filled.

I know that joy will return. Happy will return. The problem is surely how to get there. The battle for joy is not won by laying in bed all day, weeping and praying that what is now true is not. And it is certainly not won by going into hiding, as I am so apt to do when life brings its ‘little’ changes. It is won by being obedient to what God has called me to, even when I don’t feel like doing so. It’s not a horrible thing to cry, and I know that I probably will in spurts for years to come because this wonderful, strong woman will not be known by further generations in this world, but I am not to waste my life in a fog of depression.

Joy will return in the steady understanding that she is in the presence of her King, Jesus Christ. The only way I can come to know that joy again is to once more understand what it is to live and breathe for an audience of One - the One who was there before this grief, the One who is there now in its midst, and the One who will usher me into His presence at the end of my life here.

You make known to me the path of life;

in Your presence there is fullness of joy;

at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

[[Psalm 16:11]]

I so often allow my gaze to drop. I so often forget for what I am striving. If I have fifty more years on this earth, I don’t want them to look like the last ten, as amazing as they were. I want to be strong. I want to seek joy. I want to stop looking to this planet for what makes my life worthwhile. I want to keep moving forward.

Heaven is home. May I fix my gaze there, and find joy here in the time between.

That’s what Grandma would have wanted.

To know God...

2009-07-29T10:05:00.003-06:00

"To know God is to know fear. The fear of God is a heart-pounding, knee-trembling, spine-tingling, shuddering recognition that God is infinitely more good and powerful and important than me. It means that I live and think and act and speak with a keen awareness that He is the Creator and I am the creature; He is holy and I am not; He is wise and I am a fool; He is powerful and I am weak; He is ruler and I am servant; He is self-sufficient and I am utterly dependent.

To fear God means to be ever-aware of His all-pervasive presence, conscious of my absolute need for Him, mindful of my responsibility to follow His way, determined to obey Him, cautious of offending Him, and overwhelmed in amazement and gratitude at His incredible goodness and grace."

[[Mary Kassian, Knowing God by Name]]

Gratitude

2009-07-26T00:36:00.016-06:00

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade

Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid

I have felt a large amount of overwhelmed in the last few months. I've traveled to Indiana and Montana, watched my grandmother begin recovering from a stroke and seen a new baby just days after his birth. I've watched the sun set over some of the bluest water and coolest mountains that I've seen, and I've experienced physical pain that I can't begin to describe. I've watched friends get engaged and married and seen new babies, and watched my other grandmother struggle to speak mere sentences so that we know she's still in there. I've begun counting the days until I leave my job and I've prayed fervently that God would provide Christopher with employment.

Perhaps it is all why the happy is so mixed in with the sad. Perhaps my latest grace-laden acquisition of discipline is keeping me in joy and perspective when everything is changing.

There are times when I pray that God would simply shock my system. I know that I am owed nothing and yet, day by day He pours forth grace when I know that all I deserve, sans Christ, is death and vengeance. I've been thirsty to know the Spirit's movement and afraid when I finally do. I feel I have lost a lot of who I have been in Christ, but yet I have not found Christ in lieu of my absence. I'm not quite sure what that means - I just know that it's there.

But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

I so very often fail to give thanks for even the smallest blessings, like fresh water or the idea that I can sit down and read the Spirit-inspired words written on pages in a book that is banned in several countries and neutered in our own. I do not appreciate the fact that I am able to converse with others freely, without labored speech, or consume liquids without thickening them, as my grandmothers have had need to do. My thirst can be easily quenched, regardless of whether or not God ever gives me anything. He has given me all that I could ever need for life and godliness!

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight

Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time

It is so simple to not realize the gift it is to have my husband next to me at night. We have a wonderful home and share it with good people. We sleep well. We have air conditioning! The Father in all His glory has no reason whatsoever to feed and protect us, and yet He does night after night, week after week, year after year. How dare I doubt that He has anything but good for us? But dare I assume that I understand what that good might look like?

Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead
And if we never taste that bread

Because, you see, in my years I've seen kids who have been emotionally starved by their parents but who are given everything they could ever want and I've seen families with nothing in foreign countries who give what little they have away and who are the most joyful, content people I have ever known. I've known people to experience the common grace of God through the simple act of holding a newborn in their arms or through marrying their best friend and I've known others, believers, to die without explicable reason. If all we had was taken from us, would we still give thanks to the One who orchestrated the sun to set in such a brilliant display? Would we doubt His goodness if our lot was that of the rural woman in Guatemala, trying to feed her family with whatever can be found?

Oh, the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need

Perhaps the world has messed with my head. Perhaps it is as they tell you in media studies, that everything can be interpreted either as a scheme to buy something or as a scheme to advance conformity/socialist tendencies. Regardless, I am more and more certain that the third perspective is the best one to hold - that there is no direct effect. It starts and ends in my head, with my heart. As downhere so deftly puts it, "the problem with the world is me." I do not understand what I truly have need for - I do not even process daily my need for a Savior!

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight

Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . . .

If I never finish my tea tonight or if I never walk out of bed in the morning; if the world is suddenly dark and I never again see a friend smile or find joy in something simple; if I never have children or we fail to be able to pay our bills; if I find myself paralyzed in speech and with Christ as my only companion... Would I be content? Would Christ truly be my companion? Could I find joy in silence or peace in difficult circumstances? Would I understand that I still have all that I could ever need when all I could ever want is no longer there on top of it?

In the wisdom of Martin Smith, I pray that God would "save me, from the kingdom of comfort where I am king." The heavens are certainly aware of the despot who sits on that throne.

[[Nichole Nordeman, "Gratitude"]]

Compulsion

2009-04-28T00:19:00.008-06:00

I'm not sure what compels me to post anything today, of all days. I haven't written for at least six months for various reasons that I won't go into now, and I was sporadic - at best - for the few years before that.

There's something that is beginning to compel me. And I do not know what it is.

Over the past year, I have struggled in trying to rediscover some of the things that I love, but that I have lost in the transition to 'adulthood' - the transition to working six-hour blocks of time instead of attending classes sporadically; to cleaning up not only after myself, but trying to serve my husband by doing the same for him; to having 'adult' relationships where previous friendships are maintained but not furthered; to feeling like I'm censoring myself.

Now, don't get me wrong. I count all things, even writing freely in such arenas as this blog, loss for the sake of Christ and for the purposes to which He has called me.

But I fear I have lost all ability to be open with others about where I currently am in life. The arenas with which I am the most comfortable all seem to have been taken from me, and I have yet to adjust successfully.

Which might be why, tonight, I have just written my first song since last fall. I fear there are a hundred songs rolling circles in my head that will never see any light whatsoever, for I never let myself focus on recording such things anymore - perhaps I need to let go all the connotation and dreams I associate with whatever music I might claim as 'my own'.

I am just a beggar who gives alms.

That line sticks with me these days. Who am I to even consider that my life should go where I want it to, instead of to where God has so meticulously planned every detail?

But how can I know? How can I be sure that what God has for me isn't music or graduate school or book-writing or a hundred other things that I have dreamed of since I was 3 years old, standing at the window and singing hymns?

How my faith falters!

But I have no other choice in this waiting game, and I know God will grow me in patience - apparently, He sees in my future a great need for it.

Regardless, I may begin posting here again more often; though I will certainly try to control my ranting and focus more on other things. Maybe I'll just start writing music again.

It would certainly be about time.

Listening to: "The Beggar Who Gives Alms" from downhere's Ending is Beginning

Reading: Ecclesiastes and The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova

***

Tonight

©Alyssa Kate Reynolds (April 27, 2009)

I wish I knew how this is meant to go together -

how it shines with provision when the other side is found.

I wish I knew how this is to be processed by my heart -

how to react to Your steady hand as I stand upon its ground.

But I guess this is where faith meets its feet -

I guess this is where I find that I need You.

I wish I knew what it is my heart is truly wanting -

what it is it wants from this life and from its time.

I wish I knew what it is that is worth the minute’s ticking -

what brings You the most praise, and what brings me less of mine.

But I guess this is where faith meets its feet -

I guess this is where I find that I need You.

Can I rest in You tonight? In the place beneath Your wings,

can I carve away a little place and hide?

Can I rest in You tonight? In the throne-room, at your feet,

can I lay here and weep in the deep and wide?

And I guess this is where faith can’t be found on its own -

I guess this is where I find that I am not alone!

In this beautiful hollow, beneath Your able wings -

I know that I am safe here, in the presence of my King.

And I can rest in You tonight.

There are some days...

2008-09-30T01:42:00.003-06:00

There are some days I feel like I fail at everything I even begin to attempt.

And those days, perhaps more than others, I thank God He sent Jesus.

Summertime Chaotic Peace

2008-08-30T23:44:00.003-06:00

There have been many times over the past few months where I have found myself just sitting and thinking about my life - what it looks like, what it means, how desperately I wish I had power to change things that don't turn out well, and how incredible it is that I serve a God who hears my every anguished cry, who sees me weeping on the floor and who reads the very turmoil of my heart.

I feel as though I am awakening to new life with Christ all over again. I feel as though I am living as I ought to be living - seeking and even knowing His pleasure and His glory. Until the past week, I hadn't quite grasped the sweetness in the peace that comes from feeling that I make my Savior smile when I surrender my great love of music to His service. Until the past few months, I don't think I have truly understood what it meant to be pinned against the wall for what I believe, to be falsely accused, to have people I love not believe the words that come out of my mouth or refuse to hear them.

And yet, the past few months have been incredible. It is as though I have grown five years' worth in three months' time. God has preserved me in such incredible ways!

It has certainly not been easy - nothing worth having ever is - and it has certainly carried with it a share of pain that I am not capable of bearing on my own. But my God is faithful! And my God is not a small God!

How incredible it is to realize anew the grandeur of this God! Not only is He capable of doing the little, commonplace things such as finding Christopher a parking spot on his way to class or getting me through a 5-hour practice when I'm extraordinarily exhausted, He is also capable of changing people's lives eternally. How often I pray to Him as though He is not able!

He is more than able!

And it is my greatest comfort - that while I am face-down garnering carpet imprints, soaking the floor through with my tears and weeping, praying though I can gather no words - that the God I serve is more than able to read the very unutterable prayers of my deepest thoughts and know me so intimately that I don't even know myself as well; and that He is the same God here as He is in Mongolia, in China, in Austria, in South Africa!

The same God! Loving people everywhere - desiring them to know life through Jesus Christ!

I sense that this post is quickly deteriorating, so perhaps I will stop it here.

Something that I keep chewing on - courtesy of Oswald Chambers - is the idea that we should not look at ourselves as being of use, but that we should remember that everything we are belongs to Him who made us and gave us life. He asks for total abandon.

And, I do suppose, the question we must ask: If we don't feel useful, are we truly abandoned to Christ and His cause?

It's just something I'm chewing on. 'Night.

Mood: Exhausted Listening to: The fan running in our front window

Reading: A Continual Feast by Jan Karon

in•som•ni•a |inˈsämnēə|

2008-06-09T01:42:00.002-06:00

noun habitual sleeplessness; inability to sleep

I had no idea the pain could be this strong

I had no idea the nights could last this long

In my darkest fears, the rights become the wrongs

I am still running; I am still running

Build me a home inside Your scars

Build me a home inside Your song

Build me a home inside Your open arms -

the only place I ever will belong

[[Jon Foreman, "I Am Still Running" from Winter]]

The last few weeks have been somewhat brutal. I have redeveloped a level of insomnia that I haven't seen in myself for four years. Most of the evening is spent in various pursuits before I drag myself to bed thinking that I am finally ready, when I simply wake up all over again.

So many things have been happening... just one after the other. Christopher's bike was stolen; we had some family issues arise; I misplaced my wallet (which I have yet to find, still); my parents had to put down one of the puppies that they just got because he contracted Parvo virus; I worked almost full-time this week, which is crazy; we started up summer things with the Rock. Lots of changes. Lots of nights weeping as I sat awake into the strange hours of the morning.

And, yet, while I know that God is still in control of all these things, I also know that it has been so easy for me to just want to be numb. There have been a few occasions where I cried out to God that I simply wanted to stop feeling. The emotions came and went, in severe degrees, and in such a multitude of shades that I don't think I really recognized them all.

I still haven't reconnected with everything, though. Part of me still so desperately wants to run away and hide until Christ comes to make everything right.

But that's why the lyrics of this particular song have come to mean so much to me. Though I am numb and hurting, I am still running because Christ has rescued me and, for that, there is no other reason to truly live. I have no other home than in the scars that purchased my life for me, than the arms of the One that have forever been pursuing me to restore me to Himself.

The pain is strong. The nights are long, especially as this insomnia has kicked into full force. My darkest fears have been brought to the surface, as so many things in my life seek to define what is truly 'right' as 'wrong'.

But I am still running, and I will continue to do so until my dying breath, because I know the One that will give it to me - and He will give me the strength to endure.

If you think of it, pray for us. We need to fully lean on Jesus and all He has promised.

Mood: Relaxed Reading: Old thoughts, song lyrics

Listening to: "Feel This" by Bethany Joy Galeotti and Enation

The Ninth Letter

2008-05-27T01:32:00.003-06:00

Let us thus think often that our only business in this life is to please God, and that all besides is but folly and vanity. You and I have lived about forty years in religion (i.e., a monastic life). Have we employed them in loving and serving God, who by His mercy has called us to this state, and for that very end? I am filled with shame and confusion when I reflect, on one hand, upon the great favors which God has done, and incessantly continues to do me; and on the other, upon the ill use I have made of them, and my small advancement in the way of perfection.

Since by His mercy He gives us still a little time, let us begin in earnest; let us repair the lost time; let us return with a full assurance to that Father of mercies, who is always ready to receive us affectionately. Let us renounce, let us generously renounce, for the love of Him, all that is not Himself; He deserves infinitely more. Let us think of Him perpetually. Let us put all our trust in Him. I doubt not but we shall soon find the effects of it in receiving the abundance of His grace, with which we can do all things, and without which we can do nothing but sin.

We cannot escape the dangers which abound in life without the actual and continual help of God. Let us, then, pray to Him for it continually. How can we pray to Him without being with Him? How can we be with Him but in thinking of Him often? And how can we often think of Him but by a holy habit which we should form of it? You will tell me that I am always saying the same thing. It is true, for this is the best and easiest method I know; and as I use no other, I advise all the world to do it. We must know before we can love. In order to know God, we must often think of Him; and when we come to love Him, we shall also think of Him often, for our heart will be with our treasure. This is an argument which well deserves your consideration.

[[Brother Lawrence, "The Practice of the Presence of God"]]

I have been very numb of late, wanting so desperately to hunger and thirst for spiritual things and yet I have not even been willing to take the first step, to simply talk (or wait) with God, or to even open His Word and ask that He direct me.

I have felt so incredibly dirty, an outcast of the very kingdom to which I so desperately cling. This evening, I looked over countless old songs and wondered what it would be like to be back in my six-year-old shoes and looking at a God I knew was stronger than anything I could ever face.

Granted, that part still lives inside of me - the part that knows my God is so much more than I could ever dream up in a hundred years. I, a mere member of the human race, am entirely incapable of understanding all the facets of this God that I serve.

Above all, I still cling to these three things:

1. In spite of my circumstances, my God is still good.

Nothing can change this. No human; no animal; no grain of sand - not Satan himself.

2. In spite of His goodness and His love, my God is still just.

There would be no use in worshipping a God who did not punish evil. I don't want to.

3. In spite of God's justice, my God is still merciful.

The death of Jesus Christ upon a cross 2000+ years ago still stands as the atoning sacrifice for anyone who dares to enter the living waters and breathe deep - to die with Him means to live with Him. It is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He paid for my wretched little life with His own so that He could be restored to fellowship and relationship with me! He punished evil - our evil - but He found a way for us to be justified without seeing that punishment ourselves!

Christ died so that we might fulfill our only purpose - to please Him!

Yet so many are still captive. So many are enslaved within darkness and try to ignore the disease that has set itself into the very marrow of their bones. If they do not have to be reminded that they are sinful, they do not need to even consider the fact that they might have been created by One to whom they will give an account for that sin.

And, all the while, the very cells that are diseased cry out for their Creator to be glorified - to receive the reward of His suffering. How long, Lord Jesus, before You set these captives free?

But some of them may never know freedom, and it is for those that I weep tonight. We hold onto hope, however, knowing that if "our only business in this life is to please God, and that all besides is but folly and vanity," then, perhaps - just perhaps - God will continue to be good in granting mercy through His fulfillment of justice in Jesus Christ, and a few more might be awakened from death into life.

I love the first chapter of Colossians... "He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves..."

All that is needed to illuminate the darkness is the smallest bit of light. I cling to that.

I need the reminders tonight, perhaps more than ever - that is, perhaps, why I was at the Ninth Letter - and God has been gracious to grant them.

...all besides is but folly and vanity.

Mood: Broken, yet edified Reading: Red, Ted Dekker [finished yesterday, actually]

Listening to: The rain as it falls outside of our apartment

Desire Defined

2008-04-08T23:01:00.002-06:00

For much of the past months, I have battled with myself, struggling to put a finger on what it is that I am wanting in my daily relationship with Christ, but never willing to sit down and work through it - and so I continue in my old way of communion, and (while learning some) risk stagnancy because I dislike the thought of the change I so desperately yearn for.

But perhaps that battle is nearing its end as I have finally laid down my desires, my 'mission statement' (as I have my women do). The bigger battle is now at hand - striving to sit daily at Christ's feet in so many things.

I want to study more deeply what I believe, taking what has been beat into my brain with my three trips through The Truth Project, and delving to greater depths to look more closely at how I, a believer in Jesus Christ, am to view the world.

I want to be faithful in seeking to center my marriage with Christopher more closely around Christ and what it means to seek the kingdom of God with fervor and diligence as a married couple. This means that I must seek to understand what it means both to find my significance in Christ and to learn how to fully love, respect, and serve my husband.

I want to lead better, with greater love, conviction, and confidence.

I want simply to take a running start and dive into the Word of God.

I want to be better and more readily equipped to speak with those who are of different beliefs, not out of pride or any other fleshly aspect, but out of the compassion that comes as a response in seeing the lies to which so many are held captive.

I want to worship God in reverence, awe, joy, and fear - musically, but especially in prayer.

I want to cultivate an unquenchable habit of turning to God in prayer and of desiring simply to sit at my Father's feet.

I want to more regularly record what I am reading, learning, rejoicing in, etc., so that God's handiwork might become memorial stones.

I want to learn about and re-discover attributes of God's character and seek to see how different aspects of God's character affect either my response to Him or the reflection of His image that I am to demonstrate.

I want to listen to messages by other teachers so that I might garner wisdom from men to whom God has blessed with wisdom.

I want to daily seek to serve my husband, both in ways physical and through prayer - reminding myself that my spiritual health is now linked to his.

There are a few others that I recorded, though some are redundant and some are not quite related to this topic. Perhaps the list will continue to grow, perhaps not.

The battle rages. Pray that I might make it daily to the feet of Christ.

On Understanding the Spirit's Grief

2007-12-27T00:29:00.000-07:00

There is no possible reason that I should still be awake. I'm here, in the middle of Montana (Belgrade, to be exact, which is just outside of Bozeman), in the middle of the night, when we will be getting up and packing up in about six hours, and I'm wide awake.

Maybe it's the five episodes of Scrubs... maybe not.

So I'm listening to my dear husband snore as he sleeps soundly after a day of skiing and tension, and I can't even begin to describe how blessed I am to be here, as difficult as it at times.

It's my first "time off" since we got married. Granted, that may not mean a lot to most people. Many people have nights and weekends to kick back and relax and process.

I feel like I haven't processed in months.

Every time I "get" to sit down, there is something else to think about, something else that grabs my attention or fuels my worries. The thank you notes from our wedding are still not done and, due to our packing mess, have gone MIA. We're moving the day after we get back from this trip to Montana (a day that I still have to work). We're never home on the weekends. I have band practice. I desire to meet more with the women on our team, but fail to have the time to show them how much they are loved.

Plus, there's the whole "being married" thing, which takes work and time - and is perhaps God's biggest blessing for my human existence outside of His grace covering my sin and His giving me life in the first place.

There is never enough time. I feel like a horrid wife, daughter, sister, friend, employee. I hate short conversations on the phone that really should last hours but end up being awkward because there are only a few minutes to spare, so I avoid them whenever possible. The people I love deserve so much more than that.

But instead, they get nothing.

I don't exercise. We rarely eat at home anymore. I haven't played guitar or piano (excluding band stuff) for months.

I am finally processing what God has been teaching me through this whole semester: the Spirit grieves.

Perhaps this seems most random to you - it would seem so to me if it came from any other source. But in the midst of learning that there is truth and there are lies, something has changed deep within me.

In the midst of my unfaithfulness in everyday life, God is still gracious, but the Spirit is grieved. I fail to image forth Christ in this. Even the very purpose for which I was created I cannot do as I ought.

But I am so very grateful that there is a God who is, who always has been, and who always will be completely and fully sovereign.

I am so very grateful that I do not have free will. I am overjoyed that I am under authority, that I am under a standard, that I am not my own - for all that I am has been crucified with Christ, that I might live anew in Him!

We saw "The Golden Compass" today. On movie criteria alone, it wasn't really good. It was a little convoluted and I had difficulty understanding how one scene went to the next (it went so fast!), and some things were never really made clear.

I wouldn't recommend it, and our children will never see it. If someone gives us a copy, I will burn it. Seriously.

But that isn't really the point. And I'm going to try to not rant as much as I really want to.

The point is that, as the Truth Project points out, we are in the midst of a battle of worldviews, and what the world tells us will be diametrically opposed to what Christ tells us.

The film, sadly, is not rooted in truth, but rather in what the world tells us. It begins on the premise that before anything known ever existed, there was "dust" - which also causes chaos and instability in people as they grow.

In the dimension of our world that we are shown in the story, people walk around with their souls, named "daemons" outside of their bodies. One of the main plots is that the institutional Majesterium is trying to find a way to separate people from their souls. And a battle of free will versus sovereignty begins.

There are several things that added up for me as I sat and viewed this "fantastical masterpiece": One underlying message is that "from dust we came" and "to dust we return." Another is that there is no sovereign being who should be able to control us - we should let our wild "daemons" run free in defiance of the institution. And yet a third is that we cannot know truth in and of ourselves - we need an outside force to tell us what is "true."

And the Spirit inside of me grieved.

We are made in the image of God. We are not dust, and men do not merely become dust when they die. They face judgement. Real judgement with a real authority who set a holy standard that we have failed to keep because we fell.

God is not responsible for our sin. And we deserve nothing. Absolutely nothing. He is not a tyrant who chooses some to go to hell and others to join Him in heaven. His desire is that none would perish - not a single one.

We violated His standard and yet, out of love, He has let us live and has provided a way of reconciliation to Him by the cross borne by Jesus Christ. This isn't a monarchy where peasants pay tribute in exchange for just treatment - we have nothing to even offer, and yet He has given us everything in Jesus Christ. Everything!

Without God, there exists no purpose - there is no reason for living! If it is dust that we come from, then we truly have no free will. All we are doing is simply the bidding of the universe - we are just part of a clockwork. (I'd explain this more, but it is one o'clock in the morning, after all). Why do we run from the thought that there is a sovereign Lord who keeps watch over us? Why do we fear not having our "independence"?

I am so grateful that I do not need to worry over myself. And there is no such thing as "free will" as we think we understand it. I don't think any of us would really like it that much if we really saw what that looked like.

For in possessing "freedom of the will" we suspect we will know true "freedom". I have known what it is like to live by "my own rules" and it's awful. I have known what it is to live by legalism and it's awful.

And I know what it is to live under grace, to live in responsibility over my own sin and understand the mercy that covers me in any good thing that comes forth from my being - and it is only there, in God's hands, that I have known true "liberty."

How sad it is that the third thing I realized is actually true, though strangely warped in this particular film.

We cannot know truth in and of ourselves. But neither can the "dust" be an honest agent of truth.

But the Spirit of Truth dwells in us. He testifies to the truth. When the truth is not spoken, He grieves.

Which is why I am not offended by the movie. Surprising, no?

But that's where the semester-long lesson comes in. I am not offended for the cross of Christ, but I am grieved at its slander.

Several times in the last few months, I have been afraid of sharing truth with women on my team and with others. Choosing to speak truth instead of trying to brush over things with "easy" answers has been a long and painful process that has resulted in many tears, but never offense. After the first few encounters, I began asking why I was not personally offended when fellow believers would get angry at me or rail on for an hour about their opinion on something or about how they were being treated.

And the answer came simply: it was not me that was offending. It was truth.

I can always stand on truth. Always.

It makes me bolder, something I have struggled with for years, and I can barely explain it except that there is a God, He is fully sovereign, and He came that the "truth might set us free."

How many times I have seen chains lifted this semester! How many times I have sung praise to God for what He is doing in so many lives by exposing them to truth!

We buy so many lies as a culture, myself included. It is easy to "just try to fit in" and go with the flow.

But we are called to so much more than that! We are called to stand firm on the truth and fight for it - not for ourselves or because God "needs" our help (never!), but because we are bearing the image of God and for that reason, we must reflect His truthful nature.

I am not ashamed to serve a sovereign God. He is good, and I would have it no other way.

There were certainly more thoughts about the film that I won't share. I've ranted enough for one evening (or morning).

If I haven't spoken to you recently, know that I love you and wish you a "Merry Christmas!" with the greatest enthusiasm. Perhaps I'll write more about the politics of Christmas (especially in Fort Collins) some other time. Until then, think on the depths of what it means that we celebrate Christmas-

God has given us a Savior! Oh, let us praise the Lord of Hosts! He is ever faithful and good.

I do suppose the time has come for me to now go to bed. And, so, I bid you 'Good night!'

Completion

2007-09-15T00:46:00.000-06:00

I finished my prayer journal tonight, which I have been working through for more than two years. I felt compelled to post what I wrote as my finishing words.

***

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God.
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored.

When You call I won't refuse
Each new day again I'll choose.

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You're sovereign still.
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will.

When You call I won't delay
This my song for all my days.

There is no one else for me,
None but Jesus.
Crucified to set me free,
Now I live to bring Him praise.

All my delight is in You, Lord -
All of my hope, all of my strength.
All my delight is in You, Lord -
Forevermore.

[[Hillsong, "None But Jesus"]]

My Precious Savior,

As I have sought to wrap my mind around the events of the past few days, I can't help but have this song run through my mind.

In chaos of circumstance, You are so supremely sovereign. I find that the attribute I fell in love with when I began college continues to deepen as I tread further into it.

In my moments of weakness, You provide such wonderful graces for me. I find I am ever less deserving of the mercy with which You cover me.

All of my delight is to be in You, the all-sovereign, merciful God of all - who took our punishment in order to justly fulfill His own law.

There should be no greater joy and no greater light in my eyes than when it is of You I am speaking.

How fitting that this volume should both begin and end with a death. It is amazing to me that I mark life with deaths around me.

Lord, I praise You for the life and legacy of Grandpa Harry. I praise You for His daily faith that defined His life and was so contagious.

And, Lord, I praise You for the life and faith of Grandpa Fred. Although he wasted many years in irritation, I praise You for the changes made in him that helped show me how powerfully You transform lives.

Most of all, Lord, I praise You for where they are both at this moment - in Your presence and finally understanding each other as the brothers they were created to be.

Soli Deo Gloria.

***

There is no greater loss, my friends. Nothing even comes close.

When there is no safe place to begin...

2007-09-12T22:36:00.001-06:00

...You just have to start.

So, I got married. I had a wonderful time with family and friends celebrating under one roof with Christopher and me. We dropped off of the face of the state for a week and went to Tahoe while it was burning, where we had a lot of fun.

[[Just so you know, I love being married, and think that it is one of the most incredible things God has given us while we are here on this earth. Marriage is such an instructor in how our relationship to God should really look, and I fall so grievously short. The best part of the whole thing is that I am married to Christopher, who is my best friend. I am so graciously blessed. But I digress...]]

Then, we came back to Colorado, moved into our apartment, went back to work, and have been working ever since - though things have recently gotten more interesting.

The Rock is changing. Not a bad thing at all. It causes us all to lean more fully on Christ and to apply the buzzphrase in our circles these days - "fresh faith".

But the Rock split into two parts: the on-campus teams and the off-campus, working singles. Teams got reorganized. Teams merged before multiplying. Some teams split between on- and off-campus. Complete confusion ensued until things got sorted out.

In the clearing fog, however, Chris and I have taken over our beloved team of brothers and sisters, who are now few but still strong (if not stronger) after the summer paths that God took them each down. We returned sober-minded but ready to go.

We hit the dorms hard the first few weeks and tried to be encouraged with the small batch of fruit that emerged (which we truly have been encouraged by recently). Unfortunately, this is the hardest year I've ever experienced in the dorms, merely looking at people's willingness to go out and do something fun - much less something 'religious' or 'spiritual'.

Each week, we feel like we're just learning as we go, looking to coaches and our team members for encouragement. There seem to be so many things that I have learned in the last week alone, yet I feel as though I have failed to have time to process them. God is so good. God is so faithful.

And in every little thing.

I have been working on an amazingly long post about things that I learned this summer, but I am not sure when (if ever) it will be finished, so I figured I should just write something else in the meantime.

Last night, we listened to Pat Sokoll's message entitled, "Discipleship" at our leadership training time. Having never heard it before but having heard a lot about it, I was eager to listen. There are so many things that stood out, but here are the main two:

1) I have no rights. I own nothing. I am not entitled to any thing.

2) We multiply after our own kind, both the good and the bad.

The second has been such an eye-opener over the past week anyway. We cannot reproduce that which we are not. If I want the women I disciple to read their Bibles daily and seek out God and dive deep into the richness of His Word, than I must do (and exhibit) the same. If I want them to serve others or share the Gospel boldly, then I must do the same.

And, honestly, I've been taking some serious stock of the traits that I do not want to multiply into these women. I don't want them to catch my laziness or my desire to go home and take a nap. I don't want them to learn how to be apathetic from me. I don't want them to learn how to withdraw from a group and decide they don't 'need' the fellowship.

Obviously, not everything can be changed overnight. I am still a work in progress.

But unless I show these women that I am changing, that I am being molded into Christ's likeness, then how am I to expect that they will go forth and do so? I must be working on the board in my own eye (Luke 6) so that I can assist my sisters with the specks in their own. I cannot expect them to grow if I am not putting forth the effort to do so myself.

Please understand that I am not saying that my salvation rests upon my efforts to make myself more Christ-like. I have no more ability to do that than I do of counting the stars in the skies that remind us of the promises God made to Abraham.

We are still called to action, however. We are still called to obedience. I am not called to be stagnant. I am not called to be lazy. I am not called to live outside of fellowship. I am not called to be apathetic.

I am called to serve. I am not my own.

Mood: Scattered Listening to: People yelling in the street outside
Reading: Madeleine L'Engle, Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art

The sneaking of days...

2007-06-17T00:56:00.000-06:00

I'm not quite sure how I got to this point, but I'm getting married in what is now less than a week. This thing that has been so far off for the past year and a half is finally going to happen. I get so overwhelmed by emotion sometimes.

But it's been such an encouragement to see where I've been growing in the past few months. There are changes that I'm finally seeing in myself that I never thought would be possible, but that I prayed for anyway.

For one, I am becoming more bold. There's something that happens when you have to take ownership over your life. There's a process of growing up that takes away some of the "bashfulness," as Rick Whitney put it at the Rock Friday night. There's such a freedom when you begin to come to the realization that God is the source of everything you have and is your only true authority.

But it's more than being bold. I truly believe that being bold is rooted firmly in self-worth and confidence, based on who I am in relation to Christ. Ironically, boldness and confidence are found in humility. It was so strange to stand on stage last night at the Rock and lead worship with a brother and a sister, and feel fully at ease, yet fully in the presence of God. I didn't shake nervously during soundcheck or during the first few songs. The only time I began shaking was when I realized I wasn't!

I am such a long way from where I was four or five years ago, where I would shake out of nervousness, but truly only out of pride - not out of fear or reverence for the One who has given me talents to use for His glory. How gracious our God is!

I do not spend time with the Father in the same ways that I used to. I am sorely lacking in discipline these days, partially due to the long list I am constantly whittling away at for the wedding, partially due to exhaustion, and partially due to laziness. But tonight, I am off to calm my racing mind at my Savior's feet, where the whole of my being so longs to fall. Perhaps I'll even write something.

There is so much to be said for discipline, for showing up every day ready to work for the kingdom. I am so often unprepared. Tomorrow will be different.

Mood: Simply Tired Listening to: Last Summer's Demos
Reading: Not Nearly Enough

One Month

2007-05-24T01:02:00.000-06:00

It's amazing to me how time just seems to fly right past and that, once it picks up, it doesn't let you back down. The past six months have been a whirlwind of planning and preparation, searching and staying. I've become engaged, graduated, moved out, commuted to work, gone to work for a church, been sick countless times, slept little, loved a lot of people, spent a lot of time with my parents, and begun to realize what it's like to not only be post-high school, but post-college as well.

Sometimes, it's incredibly hard. For instance, there are times when I talk to my brother on the phone and I just wish we were still in high school and living in both the same house and the same state. There are times when I get so frustrated because my mom doesn't grasp the fact that my life exists apart from her and not everything can get done within her timeframe. There are times when I'd love to just curl up on the couch and listen to my dad as he plays and writes music.

But it's so incredibly rewarding and worthwhile. Certainly, I have cried my share of tears, but so many of them have been tears of overwhelming joy.

I've gotten to know the beautiful woman that my brother loves. I've seen the girls on our team open and flourish and grow so much in their faith in the Lord. I've re-opened a relationship with a friend from middle school. I've known the freedom and excitement of worshipping with a band behind me. I've healed. I've become a little more confident. I've seen a front-page byline at a newspaper with my name on it.

And, in one month, I get to marry my best friend - perhaps the cause of the most joy and excitement.

In the midst of all of this, however, I have found it hard to write. There are times when I find it difficult to process my circumstances without writing. Perhaps this season has even been one of those times. I simply felt incapable of writing, of trying to put down all that has been going on both within me and outside of me.

Last weekend, I watched two of our closest friends marry each other. They were so excited that they fidgeted through the ceremony and cried during their vows. That swept me into overjoy - I fear there is no other word for it! I cried for joy the three days prior to the wedding, almost the entire day of the wedding, and have been crying sporadically ever since.

How incredible it is that God grants us such a gift as to spend the rest of our lives with our best friend!

The reality is beginning to sink in for me. One month.

One month to finish preparing for a lifetime of preparation, of kingdom building. One month to move as much as possible north to the Fort, even though I can't come home often and gas prices are ridiculously high. One month to figure out insurance policies and whether or not we'll actually have someplace to live. One month to organize two persons' lives into one as much as possible.

One more month with my last name. One more month of sleeping and living alone. And one more month of saying "good night" and having it mean "goodbye."

How did we come down to merely one month? Wasn't it yesterday that it was November and December and we were just putting shape to our plans? How do we now have rings and vows and RSVPs and gifts arriving?

It is so surreal, yet so real all at the same time.

Christopher started packing in the last few days, and I just get so excited to think that I get to live with and serve with my best friend for as long as God wills us both to live. We get to celebrate with friends and family, and we get to set off on our own to make our own lives and decisions, and to seek God's will for our "family."

Which is such a strange word, but one that I am so grateful for its many meanings.

I have a family that I was born into. Mom, Dad, little brother, dogs, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...

But I also have families that I've gained: multiple church families, a high school family, a camp family, a college family...

And I'm about to gain Christopher's family as well.

It's so incredible to think that representatives from each of these family branches will be celebrating under the same roof with us in only a month. I used to get so excited for heaven simply because it meant they would all be together - how wonderful a foretaste this will be!

I don't know how I wound up 22, or getting married, or with a journalism degree, or stronger in my faith, or anything. I just know that I let go and God has swept me along to where He desires me to be in this moment.

It has not been and may not always be easy, but I don't think that ease truly plays any good role in life. It simply results in stagnant people. Change happens. We grow. We learn what it means to look a little more like Christ.

Being married apparently refines you. I look forward to that.

One month.

There's only One...

2007-03-08T12:42:00.000-07:00

I keep listening to "There's Only One (Holy One)" by Caedmon's Call. It is full of the simple truths that I so easily forget every day. I could try and describe the effect that this song has on me every time I hear it, but it wouldn't do it justice.

(Side note: Caedmon's is in the studio again... I think it's the follow-up to Share the Well, which is the album that this song comes from [which is one of the best albums of the past few years - honest])

Thus, here you go:

Left his seamless robe behind
Woke up in a stable crying
Lived and died and rose again
Savior for a guilty land

It's a story like a children's tune
And it's grown familiar as the moon
So now I ride my camel high
And I'm aiming for the needle's eye

I chased the wind, but I chased in vain
I chased the earth, but it would not sustain

There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
When all around my soul gives way
He is all my hope and stay
There's only one, only one Holy One

Lord, You are my Prince of Peace
But this war brings me to my knees
See there's a table You've prepared
And all my enemies are there
But where my Shepherd leads
Where else can I go
Who else fills my cup till it overflows

There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
When all around my soul gives way
He is all my hope and stay
There's only one, only one Holy One

There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
To the Solid Rock I fly
Though He bids me come and die
There's only one, only one Holy One

On the ignorance of "breaking" news...

2007-03-02T11:58:00.000-07:00

I have a new respect for the Associated Press.

Even ignoring Paris Hilton makes news

Ah... the sweetness of someone confirming what you knew all along. No one misses unimportant news when it isn't covered.

Oh, and I'm headed back to the Weekly next week, which is completely awesome. Seems like Greg has been irritating some people again - it just means working again will be all-the-more entertaining.

I get to sleep in my bed six out of seven nights a week again, work two days at the Weekly, work two days in Denver, have a day off, and *drum roll, please* not only keep my regular meetings but actually have time to spend with people that I love.

God is good. Now, let's just hope that all of this experience leads to a job that I actually want to do that actually pays... Oh, well. That belongs to God, too. :)

Mood: Pretty stinkin' excited Listening to: iPod on shuffle
Reading: Jon Krakauer, Under the Banner of Heaven

Veils

2007-02-27T15:55:00.000-07:00

What will it take to be closer to You
Show me what stands in my way
Strip away all of the veils on my heart Lord
You know that I want just to look at Your face

What can I give as I lay at Your throne
Is there a song to be sung
Search me all over - my life is in Your hands
You know that I want to fall deeper in love with You

I’m following hard after You
Lord You’re all that I need in my life
Show me what I need to do
To bring joy to Your heart

And strip away all of the veils on my heart Lord
And know that I just want to look at Your face
O Jesus Your beautiful face

[[Jason Morant, "Veils" from Open]]

Afternoon Ramblings

2007-02-27T15:14:00.000-07:00

I finally switched over to the new version of Blogger after finally having the time to read the latest Blogger/Google TOS agreement and discover that what had been told to me about my intellectual property rights (that Google owned whatever I posted) was false. I feel comfortable with this decision, though I still argue that Google is taking over the world and I don't appreciate it.

Anyway, I'm currently in the middle of entering information about prospective families for kids who are waiting to be adopted. I never before knew the scale or scope of adoptive needs within our state or our nation. It's incredible! There are so many kids who are waiting to be adopted, who have all sorts of issues because 1) they were abandoned, neglected or abused to begin with and because 2) they desire a family and the system takes so long that they lose faith in their prospects of finding a family.

When did we become a society that abandons its children? When did we become selfish enough that we thought our pleasure in abusing our own children took preference over their well-being? Who in the world beats, sexually or verbally assaults, or neglects their own children? Who are we as a nation when we can't even take our eyes off of ourselves long enough to see our own children and their needs?

This is one reason why I can't work this job forever: I get too emotional when I think of all the kids and prospective families and the average time for adoptions to go through and all of the different types of therapy they are undergoing in the meantime (and possibly for the rest of their lives). The people who do this day-in and day-out have my sincerest admiration - they have more emotional gumption than I think I will ever be in possession of.

We were talking the other night at the Student Voice meeting about how sin should make us sick - how we should weep and grieve over it. In the past few weeks, I have moved toward knowing that more acutely than I ever did before, with both my own sin and seeing what the sins of one generation can mean for the next.

In our culture, we have developed a widening dichotomy for this generation. On the one hand, as news outlets are reporting today, this generation of college students is more narcissitic than any other that has come before - they are self-aware and self-righteous and think they are untouchable. On the other hand, we have a generation that has grown up being neglected and abused, drenched in mental health therapy and struggling to develop some sort of positive image of themselves.

Somewhere along the line, our culture began seeing a person's worth as something that is acquired - not as something that is intrinsic. Our culture says that we have worth when we're physically beautiful, healthy and capable of some form of success (whether fame or monitary).

We have lost the fact that we have intrinsic, in-born worth simply because we are made in God's image.

We are made in God's own image! Why doesn't that blow our minds? Why do we not see the child with Down Syndrome or Epilepsy (as a recent New York Times article read) as something to allow out into the open, not as something in which to find shame or ambarrassment? As something of worth, even to society, as a teacher and reminder of what is important, of what is simple enough to actually enjoy?

There is good in store when we place our hope and trust in the Lord. Good. Surely, it may not always appear that way at first - when our hearts are breaking over some guy or girl, or when a family member dies, or when you can't (for the life of you) find a job - but God has good in store for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.

Good.

What a strange thought that I have been trying to digest over the past few days - many of our distresses in life are caused by the fact that we do not trust God to bring us good out of situations we automatically label as dire and nigh impossible to live through.

We must trust that He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son that He loves, and that that action has purchased God's favor toward us - that we are being refined and made perfect and more like His beloved Son, Jesus Christ. We must trust that!

No father, when his child asks for a fish, will give his child a scorpion - so why do we expect that God, who is a perfect father, would ever give us anything less? Everything He allows to be sent our way is for our good and, more important, for His glory.

So, I wonder, can we strive to take what we're given and return to God His glory with it? I pray that it would be our sincerest desire and at the forefront of our every thought.

Hosanna Filio David
Hosanna in altisimis

Mood: Discombobulated Listening to: downhere, iPod shuffle
Reading: Warren Wiersbe, Be Heroic

The Remedy?

2007-02-18T22:10:00.000-07:00

I keep jumping online at random times and attempting to start writing some sort of coherent thoughts down, but I'm afraid I come up empty every time.

The past few weeks have been different, to say the least. For the last week and a half, I have been commuting to Denver to work a temporary position in hopes of paying for rent this month without dipping more into my savings. The extra time spent driving every day (at least three hours) plus the lack of full nights' sleep have become disastrous on a few occasions, simply because I don't have enough time when I am at home in the Fort and I'm exhausted so often that it results in tensions and misunderstandings and all sorts of strange stuff.

And, to be honest, I've just had a hard time with all of it. It's hard to be away from Christopher - who I am coming to see more and more as my family; I miss my "family" - I haven't been able to keep up meetings during the week with the beautiful women that do so much to encourage and challenge me; and I miss working at the Weekly - the one thing that I loved so far in this strange, crazy season.

The strangest thing, though, I think, has just been a spiritual exhaustion - it comes from knowing that I have been trusting in my own ability to keep myself on track and knowing that I need to lean more on the God who loves me and controls my every moment and desires to give good things to His children...

But I'm having the hardest time in trusting Him for a job. Despite how wonderful it would be, Chris and I can't live on love - and if it is God's design (for now) that we let Him provide for us by my working, I have a hard time accepting the fact that I can't seem to find something that I want to actually do, much less a permanent position that will let me do so.

God is still forever faithful, though - and so good! I've heard so many incredible messages lately, and I've been reminded of how much I love digging into Scripture and the original languages and listening to worship music (I can't seem to get enough of Jason Morant's Open). I feel as though I keep failing and He just keeps blessing me with the time and energy that I need to get things done. If only I knew better how to find my rest in Him...

Lately, I've tried to rediscover my passion for reading and it's been such a wonderful thing, though I wish I had more time to do it. I just finished the first of many books I checked out from the library, an expanded version of Madeleine L'Engle's journals which made me think from the first page to the last (she is so well-read and insightful, though her religious views often seem somewhat skewed, though I cannot judge). And this other book that I've been digesting is one that I can only read during daylight hours (and those are severely limited), but it makes me so grateful for my salvation and so heart-broken over how so many people are led so far astray into corrupt and abusive religious systems.

Still in the future lie German, L'Engle - Round Two, a fat book on Christianity and the rest of Krakauer. Before then, however, I'm afraid I must whisk myself away to my room in order to rest myself before my freakishly long day tomorrow. I just pray that God will provide all the energy that I need to finish everything that I must. How wonderful to know that He is faithful!

Ah, goodnight! 'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus - oh, for the grace to trust Him more! (I do suppose that is the "remedy.")

Mood: Sleepy Listening to: My parents talking
Reading: Madeleine L'Engle, A Circle of Quiet

The world is weird

2007-02-01T15:45:00.000-07:00

I know. Big shocker...

But, seriously. when you spend two and a half hours of your day looking at headlines and trying to determine what is important enough to be placed in next week's issue, you see a lot of strange stuff.

Like, check this out:
A woman with a 93-pound ovarian cyst.
A 14.5-pound baby in Mexico.
An elderly woman who kept 11 fully grown swans in her 270-sq-ft apartment since 2001.
A lawmaker in Texas who is pushing for a bill that will make parents missing scheduled parent-teacher conferences a misdemeanor and assess a fine for doing so.

I laugh every time I sit down to read the news. Not to mention all the celebrity gossip. Who cares if someone is really ready to have kids? Do we only care because they're willing to sacrifice their amazing figures to do so?

Goodness gracious me. What a strange world.

And it's supposed to snow again. And it's freezing outside. And I have to walk to my car.

Oh well... God is still faithful and still has purpose for me. I'm so grateful that someone does.

Mood: Sleepy Reading: Jon Krakauer, Under the Banner of Heaven
Listening to: Whatever is playing off of Greg's computer

I now have all the time in the world...

2007-01-30T14:54:00.000-07:00

...but it's still not enough.

No, I'm not dead. I just don't have an Internet connection unless I leave my house and venture to one of this city's libraries. And the usual long list of things to do when online usually keeps me from having time to write here on my ol' blog.

I'm doing well. Fort Collins is a great city and I love living here. I just wish I could find a job (still looking, no luck so far with paying positions). Currently, I'm interning at the Fort Collins Weekly 6-7 hours each week, which is wonderfully fun but, unfortunately, doesn't pay me in anything other than experience. Experience is good though.

It is still strange to not be taking classes. I'm on campus a few times a week (to use the library's Internet, of course) and I find myself completely mind-boggled at the fact I don't actually go to school here anymore. So very strange.

Wedding stuff is coming along. Christopher and I got a lot of stuff done over break and I'm supposed to be working on the rest of it, but I can't find the motivation to do so. The fact that the big event is still 4.5+ months away isn't good enough motivation. I want time to go by faster. I want a job. Something else to do besides miniscule planning. Oh well. God knows best. I just need to focus on getting some of this stuff done.

Life is good, though. I'm enjoying being independent for the first time in my life. My room is small (10x7.5ft), but just big enough to be cozy. I'm enjoying my roommates and the cat (who has managed to figure out that if he hurls himself at my door enough times, he can get into my room). I'm enjoying the Weekly and my bus trips to campus to use the Internet. I'm enjoying eating my own food and spending time with the guys at their house. It is somewhat strange, though, as everything is merely a transition and, come June, everything will change again (albeit permanently). I'm looking forward to June, which is why I think I'm not fully enjoying this stage of life - simply because it is a transition and I so desire the transition to be over and done with.

But, again, God knows what He's doing and I can rest in that. Now, I must respond to some e-mails and then catch the bus with Christopher. All the time in the world...

Mood: Contemplative Reading: Jon Krakauer, Under the Banner of Heaven
Listening to: Switchfoot, Oh! Gravity.

The Coming

2006-12-22T00:43:00.000-07:00

The whole earth sits on its edge
Yearning and straining in chains, it sighs,
for men do not know what is coming
but the woman, she labors into the night.

And the grass stands on its tiptoes
And the clouds in the heavens hang down
The camels stand watch and the man sits awake
To see how the lost and the cursed will be found.

For the angels are dancing above
While the ground trembles below
Yet in Bethlehem not a sound,
Not a shout – for the people don’t know
That the Savior is coming,
A child, yet a king -
The Savior is coming tonight!

The kings of Babylon wait -
Wondering when the star will appear.
For as soon as it shines, they’ll leave kingdoms behind
To see the one who will be born here.

For the prophets tell of His coming
And the covenant He will fulfill,
But the woman is already so weary –
In the night, she is laboring still.

But the angels are dancing above
While the ground trembles below
And in Bethlehem not a sound,
Not a shout – for the people don’t know
That the Savior is coming,
A child, yet a king –
The Savior is coming tonight!

So, rejoice! Rejoice!
Salvation comes to the rich and the poor.
Rejoice!
He comes so sin and death are no more!
Rejoice!
His borning cry will soon sound -
Calling men to rejoice and be found!

For the angels are dancing above
While the ground trembles below
Yet in Bethlehem not a sound,
Not a shout – for the people don’t know
That the Savior is coming,
A child, yet a king -
The Savior is coming tonight!

©2006 AKG

On the Closing of College

2006-12-14T03:08:00.000-07:00

This morning, I took the last exam of my compulsory college career. Halfway through, I stopped and asked myself how I would feel if that last exam turned out to have horrific results. When I finished, I realized anew that it didn't even matter.

Nonetheless, things have been very strange. There's no longer this week-by-week sense of dread due to looming assignments and deadlines - there's just this big void with a big question: Who is going to hire you and why? (Okay, two questions.)

But things have gone so smoothly that it is difficult to really notice much of the transition. I have worked myself silly this semester between work and school and the Voice that I have barely had time to look up and notice that it's now December, which means I need to finish my Christmas shopping (I've barely made a dent), figure out wedding details and find a job.

My days as a college student are over - all I have left is to turn in a paper and a project, pick up my cap and gown, and walk at commencement on Saturday. I'm graduating in the top three for my concentration (How did that happen?) and it's possible that I might have pulled straight-As this semester (for the first time in a long time). For me, the end of things has always been a motivator to finish as strong as I began (I did the same in high school).

But it's over. I'm currently working my last late-night desk shift. I finish moving out of Newsom tomorrow and I have my last desk shift tomorrow afternoon before heading home for a travel-filled weekend of visiting people all over the state while attempting to make everyone happy and still get to the JTC reception and (not to mention) my graduation on time.

Strange thing, this growing up. I'm actually starting to feel it. Sure, I can't ever suppress my inner child fully, but my inner child is beginning to see some of the realities of living in the land of adults. Crazy.

How beautiful is God's Word, though? I mean, seriously... I finished the second half of 1st Corinthians today (for the second time this week) and I was just blown away! The way Paul addresses people, whether in error or ignorance, reverberates with love. How I wish I reacted to everyone in that way!

As for now, I'm afraid I must vacuum the office and finish the remainder of my time here (40 minutes). Then it is off to bed for the one who got four hours of sleep last night and has to get up after five tonight.

'Tis so strange to be done, but I do suppose it is yet a wonderful thing - it means I get to marry Christopher that much sooner and, I must say, I heartily approve of that plan.

Mood: Contemplative Listening to: Copeland, Eat, Sleep, Repeat
Reading: Nothing - honestly

Sat 1:09 AM

2006-12-09T01:09:00.000-07:00

As Tom Brown says, the best place to be is definitely wherever Christ's church is.

What a way to celebrate the end of the semester - there's none better in my opinion.

Honestly, what could ever top worshiping for an hour and a half with brothers and sisters, watching a beloved director of the Rock be ordained as a pastor, eating food, praying for those leaving for El Paso, cleaning, wrestling and watching people play dodgeball?

What is normally a two-hour experience at most became a five-hour extravaganza that was well-rounded out with laughter. Laughter is so very good for the soul. As are good friends. As is being silly. As is praising God.

Especially the praising God.

And, it is the end of an era in so many ways - including the end of my classes at CSU. But I know and trust that God has incredible things planned and I'll rest in the wonder of all that He is until and past the time when those things are revealed.

Praise God for His glorious grace - that He would first love fools and then make them useful!

God is so good. So very good. And I affirm that with a sure "Amen!" because I know that whole-heartedly to be true with every fiber of my being. Amen!

Mood: Blessedly exhausted Listening to: Reuben Morgan, World Through Your Eyes
Reading: The clock that's telling me to go to sleep

2006-12-05T16:50:00.000-07:00

Encouragement for the men in my life

Ecclesiastes 5:18-20

2006-12-05T01:54:00.000-07:00

Here is what I have seen: It is good and fitting for one to eat and drink, and to enjoy the good of all his labor in which he toils under the sun all the days of his life which God gives him; for it is his heritage. As for every man to whom God has given riches and wealth, and given him power to eat of it, to receive his heritage and to rejoice in his labor - this is the gift of God. For he will not dwell unduly on the days of his life, because God keeps him busy with the joy of his heart.

What stands in the way

2006-11-30T16:52:00.000-07:00

Growing more uneasy with every question asked
It seems You're jealous of my interests
and the graven things I've cast
Waking resolutions of twenty years or more
that I would disallow golden cows
my favorite anymore

Your wishes set in stone
I broke the first of ten
I cleared this temple out
Come take your place again

There is only You
There is only You

Tiptoe from an awkward scene, not fooling anyone
Am I dumb enough to kneel with my accusers or brave enough to run?
Petty daggers bounce weakly off my back
I'm leaving breathless gods and secrets in my track

Your wishes set in stone
I broke the first of ten
I cleared this temple out
Come take Your place again

There is only You
There is only You
Believe me
There is only You
There is only You

To a thousand generations of faithful men
[["There is Only You," Smalltown Poets]]

What stands in the way of my ability to get to the point where this is true in my life - that there is only Christ and Christ alone that sits upon the throne of my heart?

I get so distracted by every little thing, be it class or homework or work or crocheting a blanket or not feeling well at all, that I so easily take my eyes off of the One who should be in charge and in control of everything. How do we get to the point where the things we do lose their joy because we neglect to praise the One who gives them to us to do?

A few weeks ago at the Rock, Brandon Pullen spoke of keeping things in circles that are "just for me." Unfortunately, as a control freak, I have so many of these areas. Some, of course, are more obvious, but others are subtle, ranging from something as simple as getting ready in the morning to something as complex as finding time to get all of my work done.

How do we include Christ in those things? On the surface level, He's always aware of what we're doing, so that remains the easy part... But how do we include Him? How do we let Him in on everything we do, from the everyday and mundane to the most exciting parts of life? It's like we keep Him on the sidelines - and ignoring someone is never a good thing.

But I must admit that I readily welcome Christ into some areas of my life while ignoring His presence in others.

What honestly stands in the way? And what results from that?

Is that why I am incapable of getting things done when I should? Is that why I am incapable of finding motivation and joy in the everyday, mundane things? Is that why I am incapable to just let music be a part of my life? Is that why I find it so difficult to understand the living out of the Great Commission? Is that why I am incapable of just letting things go?

Is that why I constantly feel as though I have failed in almost every aspect of life?

Certainly, things are constantly changing, so there is always something new to surrender to Christ's lordship (and especially lately, when everything seems to be changing), but shouldn't there be a way to adapt that surrender in any situation?

Perhaps I'll fill you in on the details of why this is all so important today (of all days) later but, for now, I think I need simply to go and sit at my Savior's feet. He's waiting for me.

Mood: Defeated Listening to: Jennifer Knapp, Kansas
Reading: Ecclesiastes, Isaiah and Acts

100 things to be thankful for

2006-11-23T22:52:00.000-07:00

I am thankful for/that...
(in no particular order, with the exception of the first, and maybe more than 100)

1. My redemption through Christ's blood
2. I get to breathe regularly
3. God made the sky blue, even though it really isn't
4. My mom, who loves Scripture
5. My dad, who loves music
6. My brother, because he's awesome
7. The heritage of faith passed down from my grandparents
8. Having the chance to grow up and put down roots in one place for 14 years
9. Christopher
10. The staff of The Student Voice
11. A.W. Tozer, C.S. Lewis, John Piper and Mark Driscoll
12. Children, because they make me smile
13. SaraJane, Sangster and Danae
14. Emily putting up with me for 14 years
15. My little sister, Sammie Dearest
16. Mountaintop Retreat, its staff and campers
17. MountainView and Summitview Community churches
18. Nurse Peggy
19. Keith and Debbie
20. Having the opportunity to work
21. Having the opportunity to an education
22. Good books
23. Hymns and worship music
24. Musical instruments
25. Vocal chords that work to sing
26. Puppy dogs
27. My best friend, Laura
28. Abra Sue (my other little sister) and Brittany
29. Cristin and Missy
30. My beautiful roommates: Tina, Candace, Chelsea Anne and Liz
31. Thrift stores, for better use of my money
32. Foolish Things and their wives
33. CREW
34. Songwriters
35. Spiritual gifts
36. Things we cannot take credit for
37. D-Team Smith
38. The boys at 1300 LaPorte
39. The mountains
40. Skiing
41. Elise, because my brother loves her
42. My brother's friends, who encourage him
43. School's almost done
44. June 23 is approaching
45. The change to spend time with family
46. Cousins!
47. The Rentels
48. Reconnecting with old friends
49. Easy classes that still make me think
50. Mexican food
51. The legacy of 1SW Newsom Hall
52. Late-night shifts at the Newsom desk
53. Purpose
54. God's love for me
55. God's ability to still change me
56. The blessing of parents
57. Painting, crafts and their simplicity (crocheting, quilting, etc.)
58. Card games
59. Olathe sweet corn
60. Ramen, which often sustains me
61. Ice cream!
62. Girl dates and small group reunions
63. People who love me despite my nerdiness
64. Marla and the kitchen ladies
65. Pastor Don, Julie and the Catletts
66. New Life E-Free Church
67. Eyes
68. GCA churches
69. My Jersey cotton bedsheets
70. Faithful and reliable translations of the Bible
71. The Internet, which lets me talk to Jacqueline in China
72. People who give Chris and I gift cards
73. Crosswords, word searches and Sudoku puzzles
74. Comfortable jeans that are the right length
75. Journals - both blank and finished
76. The Pacific Ocean and Gulf of Mexico (so blue!)
77. Prehensile toes
78. Science that points to a Creator
79. I don't have to follow society - I just have to follow Christ
80. How the body of Christ works together according to its design
81. Stuffed animals
82. Pictures of friends
83. The healing only Christ's grace can bring
84. Tea - iced and warm
85. Pie!
86. Everything is temporary in perspective of the Kingdom of Heaven
87. Beautiful flowers
88. Long drives with good friends
89. Our faith is not unreasonable
90. Rest
91. Laughter
92. Joy when I'm the furthest from it
93. Foxtrot and Pearls Before Swine
94. Hopeless romanticism
95. Everything worth having is worth waiting for
96. Christopher loves me beyond my comprehension
97. Warm showers and just-from-the-dryer laundry
98. Good cheese and good beer
99. Water!
100. Aspen trees
101. Freedom to gather and worship
102. Sunrises and sunsets
103. People with integrity
104. Clouds, stars and the moon
105. Perfect nights in November
106. The hope of what's to come
107. The great cloud of witnesses that surrounds us
108. The nation of Israel and God's faithfulness to them
109. The picture set up by the sacrificial system of what was necessary to redeem us
110. Quiet, fulfilled lives
111. Co-workers
112. Snow and how it covers the land
113. Cancelled classes and days off
114. Clean teeth
115. Long walks in the park
116. Family dinners
117. Puzzles
118. Good company
119. Old quilts
120. The grace to make it through another day

Proverbs 16

2006-11-14T02:35:00.000-07:00

The preparations of the heart belong to man,
But the answer of the tongue is from the LORD.

All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes,
But the LORD weighs the spirits.

Commit your works to the LORD,
And your thoughts will be established.

The LORD has made all for Himself,
Yes, even the wicked for the day of doom.

Everyone proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD;
Though they join forces, none will go unpunished.

In mercy and truth
Atonement is provided for iniquity;
And by the fear of the LORD one departs from evil.

When a man's ways please the LORD,
He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.

Better is a little righteousness,
Than vast revenues without justice.

A man's heart plans his way,
But the LORD directs his steps.

Divination is on the lips of the king;
His mouth must not transgress in judgment.
Honest weights and scales are the LORD's;
All the weights in the bag are His work.
It is an abomination for kings to commit wickedness,
For a throne is established by righteousness.
Righteous lips are the delight of kings,
And they love him who speaks what is right.
As messengers of death is the king's wrath,
But a wise man will appease it.
In the light of the king's face is life,
And his favor is like a cloud of the latter rain.

How much better to get wisdom than gold!
And to get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver.

The highway of the upright is to depart from evil;
He who keeps his way preserves his soul.

Pride goes before destruction,
And a haughty spirit before a fall.
Better to be of a humble spirit with the lowly,
Than to divide the spoil with the proud.

He who heeds the word wisely will find good,
And whoever trusts in the LORD, happy is he.

The wise in heart will be called prudent,
And sweetness of the lips increases learning.

Understanding is a wellspring of life to him who has it.
But the correction of fools is folly.

The heart of the wise teaches his mouth,
And adds learning to his lips.

Pleasant words are like a honeycomb,
Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.

There is a way that seems right to a man,
But its end is the way of death.

The person who labors, labors for himself,
For his hungry mouth drives him on.

An ungodly man digs up evil,
And it is on his lips like a burning fire.
A perverse man sows strife,
And a whisperer separates the best of friends.
A violent man entices his neighbor,
And leads him in a way that is not good.
He winks his eye to devise perverse things;
He purses his lips and brings about evil.

The silver-haired head is a crown of glory,
If it is found in the way of righteousness.

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty,
And he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.

The lot is cast into the lap,
But its every decision is from the LORD.

Blessed beyond what I could ever need...

2006-11-07T02:09:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been somewhat fuzzy... I remember Friday night and then a lot of squealing from various women in my life, a lot of hugs, and a lot of "Congratulations!"

When I last wrote, I spoke of holding to things too tightly. For me over the last few months, one of those things has been the timing for Chris and I to get married. And, the past few months and especially last weekend at the Rock Retreat, it was finally something that I was able to let go.

In July, I prayed about my fears regarding life post-graduation. I voiced those fears in questions and speculation about things to come. I was so disheartened by waking up in the middle of the night and finding no one next to me that I could barely think about anything else. I wasted much of my time this summer in holding too tightly to what I thought should happen.

But I voiced my discontentment and prayed for grace. And, in the last few weeks especially, God has granted it, re-focusing my mind and my heart onto Scripture and people and ministry and just letting me rest in the knowledge that He has the whole thing under control.

My prayer last week was one based out of Andrew Murray's "Absolute Surrender" from his book of the same name:
How beautiful is our salvation! How much I owe to Thee that can never be repaid!
O, how I long to utterly surrender, Jesus! How I long to have that heart which says, "All I have is Thine"! But I do not, so I ask it of You that You would give me that heart.
Whom have I to fear? Death and separation have no power over me! I have been placed with Christ in the heavenlies! To die is gain!
Let me be like the cup into which the tea is poured, empty and given up to the tea, and ready to not only stand but to fight for the Gospel in boldness and upon Truth.

And, as God has continued to teach me of these things and to increase this prayer, He has also granted me one of the deepest desires of my heart.

Friday night, Christopher asked me to marry him and I said, 'Yes." (Not that many, if any, people will be surprised by that). And, to be honest, I can't even begin to describe the overwhelming emotions that come over me every time I think of the fact that this man is going to be my husband.

How good is the Lord, to allow foolish people a chance to do things right? To plan our futures and watch our every steps, working out the timing in perfect fashion? To love us who deserve nothing and yet give us the desires of our hearts?

It is still so surreal. Even now, the fact that there is now a ring on my left ring finger does nothing to dispel the inability of this to sink in. I'm going to marry Christopher Reynolds and be his wife, and that is an incredible thing!

Regardless, I still have five and a half weeks of school left, the end of which I am eagerly anticipating and dreading simultaneously. I've begun looking at jobs and will begin applying this week.

As for now, I'm working my third shift at the desk in the last 24 hours and I was up until 5:30 a.m. writing a paper for my history class last night, so I'm somewhat exhausted and ready to go to bed, especially since it is now 2:20 a.m. and I still have over an hour and a half left on my shift.

I figure I'll maybe watch some television and write a letter to the love of my life. Sounds like a plan.

And now you know what's new with me. Keep us in prayer. We'll need it.

Mood: Euphoric Listening to: The Format, Dog Problems
Reading: Andrew Murray, Absolute Surrender

You lose control when you hold too tight

2006-10-12T14:39:00.000-06:00

It's amazing how true that has held to my life lately.

Week eight is almost done and I'm still not quite sure how I got here or how I got here so quickly, but I'm here. The times when I try to hold too tight to my schedule and getting all of my work done, I lose control of everything. Sometimes, the best thing that I can do is just force myself to go to bed instead of staying up to do work. Oh well.

The retreat last weekend was sweet. I enjoyed the time with my girls, the boys enjoyed their time in the wilderness, the small group enjoyed being leadership-free for the weekend. All seems to still be rolling along quite well, however.

And, now, issue 5 of the Voice is ready to be put together, which is still so strange. It's become such an incredible, regular part of my routine. It's always such a delight to see what people are writing and then be able to put together the whole package.

I'm really ready to be done with school. I feel like it's just taking time away from other things I could be doing, and though I want to quit (honestly), I'll still finish and hopefully, finish strong. It just takes a lot of motivation sometimes.

Anyway, I'm here to drop off some more pictures from Lauren and Greg's wedding and issue 4 of the Voice, in case you're wondering what went into it. My story about women wanting to be traditional that I wrote last spring made it in, in its entirety. It's an article that I put a lot of work into, so that's exciting.

Here you go...

The reason for the occasion, Lauren and Greg. She's so pretty.

My best friend, Laura, and her husband, Andy. They got married a month after Lauren and Greg.

Chris and I at the wedding. I'm not quite sure what my face is doing, but it's weird.

Much better. You can barely see me at all. :)

And Issue #4 of The Student Voice!

Mood: Reluctant to go to class Listening to: Copeland, Eat, Sleep, Repeat
Reading: My second integration project for JT480

The Student Voice!!!

2006-10-02T13:10:00.000-06:00

Here are the first three issues of the newspaper in .pdf format.

Just in case you're wondering what has been eating my life...

If you haven't checked it out, you should check it out.

Issue #1

Issue #2

Issue #3

Picture fun...

2006-10-02T13:00:00.000-06:00

I took pictures off of Abra's camera... :) It's okay. She knew I was doing it (at least she knew I was looking for pictures for Mike's article for the SV yesterday, so... she kind of knew).

I like Abra. People always forget what happens when we're together and then they remember very quickly.

Chris and I don't take the best pictures. I have a tendency to look high, and he has a tendency to do strange things in order to try and make a better picture. This was on the way to Denver for GCLI Saturday morning. Crazy good stuff.

We were trying not to focus on the fact that Abra was taking a picture of us at IHOP a few weeks back. I'm not quite sure what's up with the crazy side view of my head, but the rest of the picture isn't that bad. Chris has shaved since then.

My time seems to be worth so much more than it used to...

2006-10-01T18:38:00.000-06:00

I used to sit around between classes and talk to people. I used to play computer games and watch television and read books. Now, if I have free time, I'm usually asleep, working, at the front desk, or working at the boys' house. I have to force myself to take time out of my day and relax sometimes. It is at those times that I realize I am six weeks into my last semester of school.

In the past week, I worked 16 hours at the desk, three for CHI, 10 hours on the newspaper, went to seven of nine classes, contracted a cold, played guitar every day except yesterday, met with three of the ladies on our team, attended a myriad of events, conducted two interviews and decided that I wanted to quit everything.

Oh, if only I hadn't signed my graduation contract a few weeks back!

All in all, however, I'm doing more than fine most of the time. It just sucks when you're exhausted and you have a cold and you have to get work done, and all you want to do is crawl up into a ball and cry yourself to sleep (that's what happens when I'm supremely exhausted).

But God is faithful. He has placed a premium on my time, to be sure. I have so few chances to be lazy anymore, and that is such a blessing.

I get a break this week from the newspaper, as it's not a layout week and I don't have a story to write. I do, however, have the retreat to finalize (music and my talk for Sunday), my first article for my capstone due Wednesday and a big honkin' history exam Friday. Some days, I think I'm just along for the ride... trying to keep up with my life.

Whelp, I have to go drop off Christopher's stuff at the house and get to the church for the Student Voice meeting. Then, life kicks into gear again. At least my room is clean again.

Mood: Um... Listening to: The Waiting, Unfazed
Reading: The latest issue of the Student Voice - on stands Oct. 3!

Falling back into step

2006-08-27T21:53:00.000-06:00

Needless to say, the last two weeks have been somewhat blurry. Between the newspaper, work, classes, orientation, and everything else, I have barely had time to breathe, it seems.

And yet, here I am, falling back into step with the school lifestyle, taking it one day at a time because the big picture is a little frightening at times. To top it off, I'm currently procrastinating on an article for the Voice and listening to clips from Adam Watts' new album (an independent release that comes out September 1st!) and I'm blown away all over again. There's just something about the way he writes and puts together music...

I finally finished unloading my room today, after having been here for over two weeks. It's nice to finally feel like I'm, at the least, in control of my living space again.

Now, however, I must press forward toward the goal of having a paper to print at the end of the week and toward passing my capstone, which includes writing cover letters so that I can begin applying for jobs this week (which is crazy, I must say).

I've been blessed in that God might have just dropped a post-graduation living arrangement in my lap that would let me stay here in Fort Collins, living off of my savings until I find a job up here. I just have to keep praying. Lots. :)

Mood: Sunburnt (!) Listening to: Adam Watts, Sleeping Fire
Reading: Andrew Beaujon, Body Piercing Saved My Life: Inside the phenomenon of Christian rock

Draw Me Nearer

2006-08-10T12:13:00.000-06:00

I am Thine, oh Lord - I have heard Your voice and it told Your love to me
But I long to rise in the arms of faith and be closer drawn to Thee

Draw me nearer to the cross where Thou hast died
Draw me nearer to Your precious bleeding side

There are great depths of love that I cannot know 'til I cross the narrow sea
And there are heights of joy that I may not reach 'til I rest in peace with Thee

Draw me nearer to the cross where Thou hast died
Draw me nearer to Your precious bleeding side

You draw me with Your mercy
You draw me with Your love
You draw me with forgiveness by Your blood
You draw me with compassion
You draw me as a bride
You draw me closer to Your precious side

Consecrate me now to Your service, Lord, by the Power of grace divine
Let my soul look up with a steadfast hope and my will be lost in Thine.

[[Caedmon's Call, In the Company of Angels II: The World Will Sing]]

Blink!

2006-08-10T11:56:00.000-06:00

You missed it, didn't you?

The whole summer is just gone.

And if that isn't crazy enough, my life is about to become chaotically beautiful.

Still not tracking, huh?

I have one semester of school left. That's four classes and some work.

I have two jobs this semester, other than being a student, because I'm both working the front desk at Newsom and keeping my current job part time.

I'm helping out with the Rock's newspaper (which I'm actually really excited about because I'm a nerd and I get to do what I enjoy - layout and editing). I might write a few pieces here and there, but I really don't know.

Small group is going to be awesome simply because it has good people, and good people serving and fellowshiping alongside one another is just a wonderful thing.

I'm living in the dorms, I'm playing and teaching at a retreat in October, and I'm graduating! I'm probably going to go crazy, but it will be beautiful. I just need to have an attitude of prayerful diligence.

I will not be lazy!

Busy, busy, busy... but I'm excited about everything. God has blessed me with opportunities that are incredible. If I have no homework to do, I can even do work for my one job at my other job. The paper will help build my resume for things that pertain to my actual degree. And I'm living in the dorms with Liz, which allows for situations in which I will have to be bold and step out in faith.

This is going to be one massive learning curve.

Mood: Boggled Listening to: Caedmon's Call, In the Company of Angels II
Reading: Christopher's blog

So...

2006-08-01T21:35:00.000-06:00

While I was bored at work today, I decided to change all of my passwords so that they now match, whereas they had been variations and other variations. The problem is now that I forget sometimes that I changed my passwords. Bummer.

Seven more days... Seven more days...

Wedding season is done for this year, and I'm very grateful. I'm excited for those that have gotten married, but the whole process is stressful for me for a lot of reasons, and I'm ready for a breather.

Chris is coming up tomorrow afternoon and I'm leaving work early, for which I am very excited. I like him and people tell me that's a good thing, so I think I'll stick with it. He's at his grandmother's cabin tonight, so... I can't exactly talk to him due to lack of cell phone service (not that we've had luck with that lately anyway - if Cingular has the fewest dropped calls of any network, I don't even want to know what the other networks are like).

My study of Daniel is fast ending. I had onion rings tonight. And I plan on sleeping for a long time.

That's my update. For more information, please wait a week or two. I'll be back at school by then and that means... Well, I don't really know what that means but my life will once more be slightly more exciting.

Mood: Sleepy Listening to: The Rockies/Brewers game on TV
Reading: Daniel 10

Checking the Time

2006-07-21T23:10:00.000-06:00

Every once in a while, I will be reminded of how history is hurtling toward a close. It's amazing how many times I will check the clock during the course of a day at work, but it is equally - if not more so - amazing how often I neglect what is coming.

We're still sowing in the finite fields/ We're so content to live under a curse/
We're still fabricating paradise/ With the thorns, with the flies and dirt

How content I am to live under the curse - to toil all day long for earthly things and not know satisfaction!

How desperately I need to break myself of the fear that comes at the thought of casting everything aside for what is infinite and eternal!

This is just the flesh, it's just the blood/ It's really not, it's not that tough/
The bruised, the fragile, cut up, scratched and scarred/
It's the feeble - just the feeble stuff

What a sense of entitlement I have even to my own body, to find rest, to know life.

Tonight, Chris was telling me about how he doesn't want us to lead mediocre Christian lives and, while I agree whole-heartedly with him, the whole concept terrifies me and it always has.

But if we never fully cede ourselves to the things that are not of this earth, we will never know safety. We will always live in fear and be chained to things that we were never meant to serve. Nothing but the blood of Christ satisfies the price for our sin and nothing else gives us life - how can we not fall at Christ's feet? How can we not serve the eternal, the sovereign, the holy God who loves us and sent His only Son to die for us?

Salvation - safety in every sense possible - is only found in one Name.

And it shall come to pass in the last days, says God,
That I will pour out My Spirit on all flesh;
Your sons and your daughters shall prophesy,
Your young men shall see visions,
Your old me shall dream dreams.
[[Acts 2:17]]

What God has planned that we know so little of! An outpouring of the Holy Spirit, prophesy, visions, dreams...

And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in all the world as a witness to all the nations, and then the end will come.
[[Matthew 24:14]]

Even if we live in suburban America or post-Christian Europe, the gospel of Christ is still to be preached in all the world before the end is to come. Are we preaching? Are we even trying? Or are we living mediocre lives of contentment rooted in things that are finite and feeble?

In so many ways, I know I'm not even trying. Sure, I hope that my life is marked by something other than myself but, if those around me are seeing me instead of Christ, there should be more than that! This world may be crippled by its absorption by sin and self (see 2 Timothy 3:1-5), but it not only expresses it as sin - it also expresses itself in what we call "ethics" and "morality".

"Good" people are everywhere, but that is no indication of a saved life to a dying world. It's a mark of success, not a Savior.

So the question becomes this: When people see my life, do they see a difference that goes beyond morality, that is unexplainable by any finite thing?

If not, then I have work to do. Then, my actions are not being a witness to the Gospel - they are just being witness to worldly standards that anyone can have. Am I marked by the Gospel? Do others see Christ's blood covering me?

This world is increasingly darker, but filled with false light - those who don't know will never know unless they see real light for themselves.

It's dark outside but truth is beautiful/ Its warmth in the night/
The curse is healed when the day breaks colorful/ What a sight

The faded sky is tearing away/ These fires are not for light/
The feeble eyes are waiting for day/ The sky's alive tonight

The days of darkness are ending. In time, Bourbon Street in New Orleans will shut down for more than just an evening - lightning will split the sky and all that is not covered by grace will not stand. And our King will reign.

Are you checking the time? Can anyone tell?

Don't make yourself at home.

[["Upgrade" and "The Sky's Alive" - lyrics by Remedy Drive, 2006]]

Mood: Um... Listening to: Remedy Drive, Rip Open the Skies
Reading: Daniel 9

The best laughs in life

2006-07-19T11:01:00.000-06:00

Include Slavo singing "Can't Touch This" and talking about baggy pants in the next cube over. Highlight of the day, for sure.

Still laughing... :)

Project du Jour

2006-07-19T10:37:00.000-06:00

Quilting!

Yes, it's true, and I have brought my quilt to work with me. I just spent 20 minutes cutting squares so I can start on the next two rows, which, dependent upon how much work I don't have to do today, I might finish in the next seven hours.

And I have no cavities, which is good. The dentist told me so this morning.

Is it bad that I just want to sleep until someone gives me work to do? 'Cause that's really what I want to do right now. Well, there's other things I'd like to do right now, but I'm not allowed to do those either. Bummer, dude.

So, back to quilting it is!

Mood: Sleepy Listening to: KT Tunstall, Eye to the Telescope
Reading: The time [10:35am], which means it's not time to sleep

Crocheting on the Clock

2006-07-17T11:05:00.000-06:00

So, I once more have nothing to do (surprise!).

Because of this, I just finished crocheting myself a cover for my Bible. It turned out all right for the little amount of work I actually put into it and, since I haven't had work to do, it's like I was paid to crochet a cover for my Bible, so it's really not that bad of a gig.

I'm going to turn to reading now and finish The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe for about the zillionth time. Then I might color and start my way toward finishing another book. And, who knows, I might actually get some work at some point during the day.

Tomorrow, I'm bringing quilting stuff. I figure, as long as I'm here, I might as well stop whining about how work is not what it should be and stop playing computer games and do stuff that I've been putting off forever that are on my to-do list for the summer. A little crocheting? Quilting? Cross-stich? Much better than Solitaire, which makes you go crazy.

That's all, I do believe. I'm being broken pretty heavily right now but, to be honest, I'm nine weeks into my summer and it's about time. God has blessed me so much by keeping my mind at bay for this long, which was previously thought seemingly impossible.

It's all proof that I'm growing and that God is still in the process of refining my mind. Praise be to God!

Mood: Content, surprisingly Listening to: A quiet office
Reading: C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe,
Ed Decker & Dave Hunt, The God Makers

Water-logged

2006-07-14T23:06:00.000-06:00

So, between this time last night and this evening when I left work, I listened to and watched seven sermons.

Yes, I put up with Mark Driscoll for that long and it was awesome.

Granted, I now have seven sermons' worth of points swimming around in my head and my brain is somewhat mushy. And it's not just sermon points from short sermons, either. These are Mark Driscoll sermons, so we're talking about an hour apiece and jam-packed with good stuff.

Sermons definitely worth listening to:
"The Weaker Christian" - Excellent. And humorous.
"Paying Your Pastors" - Wonderful presentation of a very sensitive issue.
"Resisting Idolatry Like Jesus" - One of the most thought-provoking messages I've heard in a long time. Still processing...
"Women and Femininity" - Super intense. This was like listening to myself rant, but with actual proof.
"Women as Wives" - Definitely a more serious sermon, but important things for women to remember as wives.

All can be found at www.marshillchurch.org under their Downloads\Sermons\ section. The ones about women are under Practical Topics\Women and the others are under Books of the Bible\1st Corinthians.

I also listened to "Women as Homebuilders" and "The Lord's Supper," which were good, too but, as you can tell, I already have trouble narrowing it down to the five of seven that stood out. I'm a nerd, LOL.

Good stuff. Also good is "Missional Ministry," about contextualizing the Gospel. Time for Kate to sleep!

Mood: Sleepy Listening to: Remedy Drive, Rip Open the Skies
Reading: C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

2006-07-13T17:54:00.000-06:00

Yeah, you can definitely say that Christopher wins. Hands down.

1,204

2006-07-13T17:31:00.000-06:00

That's how many minutes I used last month, which is more than the three other members of my family combined.

Turns out I'm a girl after all.

I haven't broken it down yet, but I'm pretty sure Christopher wins. I'll let you know.

Buyer Beware

2006-07-08T22:44:00.000-06:00

We try to get [joy] through entertainment. We pay someone to make jokes, tell stories, perform dramatic actions, sing songs. We buy the vitality of another's imagination to divert and enliven our own poor lives. The enormous entertainment industry in America is a sign of the depletion of joy in our culture. Society is a bored, gluttonous king employing a court jester to divert it after an overindulgent meal. But that kind of joy never penetrates our lives, never changes our basic constitution. The effects are extremely temporary - a few minutes, a few hours, a few days at most. When we run out of money, the joy trickles away.
[[Eugene Peterson]]

#250

2006-07-06T13:40:00.000-06:00

In honor of my 250th post, I will proceed to post something completely worthless and inane. Humor me, please. I've done very little today.

50 Questions!

1) Name? Alyssa Kate Grinstead
2) What time is it? 1:01pm
3) Birthday? May 16, 1985
4) Pets? 2 dogs (Singer and Dancer)
5) Favorite animal? Dogs and teddy bears
6) Do you have any tattoos or piercings? Only one hole in each ear
7) Favorite vacation spot? Europe (I especially like Austria and Germany)
8) Have you ever stolen a traffic sign? No
9) Croutons or Bacon Bits? Both?
10) Have you ever been in a car crash? Unfortunately, yes
11) Do you drive a 2 Door, or 4 Door car? Four doors
12) Do you drink coffee? Why would I?
13) What is your favorite salad dressing? Italian, Ranch
14) What is your favorite color? Blue
15) What is the last movie you saw? “Eight Below”
16) What is your favorite number? 16
17) What is your favorite holiday? Thanksgiving
18) What is your favorite food? Chinese, Italian, Mexican (I like food)
19) What is your favorite song of the moment? “Look After You” by the Fray
20) What is your favorite TV show? Gilmore Girls
21) What is the last book you finished? “Has God Finished with Israel?” by Rob Richards and "The Devil Wears Prada" by Lauren Weisberger
22) Do you wear perfume? What kind? Occasionally – “Pure” (that’s all I know… sorry)
23) Who is your favorite Beatle? Um… the one with the hair
24) What is your favorite scent? Just-clean-from-the-shower smell
25) When was your last hospital visit? When I went to get a shot a few weeks ago
26) Favorite non-alcoholic/alcoholic drink? Good Colorado water/ Haven’t had enough to tell you, but it’s definitely not champagne
27) Where do you see yourself in ten years? Hopefully married
28) What time is it now? 1:06pm
29) What is your favorite quote? Can I just give you my book instead?
30) How tall are you? Five feet, three and one-half inches
31) What color are your eyes? Bluish-green
32) What is your favorite fictional female character? Anne of “Anne of Green Gables” by L.M. Montgomery
33) What is your favorite fictional male character? Father Tim of the Mitford series by Jan Karon
34) New York or LA? New York
35) Person you’d most like to have a conversation with right now? Christopher
36) Best year You’ve ever had? This past one, but life gets better all the time, so…
37) Do you have an arch-enemy? Only the lion who seeks to devour my soul
38) Person you would most like to run into walking down the street today? Christopher. What can I say? I kind of like him!
39) What would make you happy to hear your boss say? “I’m giving you a raise”
40) Whats your favorite book of all time? Aside from the Bible, “Anne of Green Gables” and “Till We Have Faces” by C.S. Lewis
41) Favorite cookie? Peanut butter, but butterscotch brownies are better
42) Favorite Sesame Street Character? Elmo
43) Favorite Fast Food Joint? Wendy’s or Burger King, depends on the day
44) In what store would you choose to max out your credit card? Unique Thrift
45) What word or phrase do you overuse? “Incredible”
46) Situation in which you earned karmic points? Don’t need ‘em, so it doesn’t matter
47) Situation in which you lost karmic points? Don’t need ‘em, so it doesn’t matter
48) What song can you not get out of your head? “Lift Jesus Higher” from camp
49) Say something random. “I want a ChopWizard.”
50) What time is it now? 1:16pm

20hr:30min:13sec

2006-07-06T12:22:00.000-06:00

I promise I'm not psychotic... I'm just excited and really, really bored.

Still no work. Please, somebody - give me something to do!

Back to The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

It's a good thing I at least brought a book with me today.

Once again, ladies and gentlemen…

2006-07-06T10:11:00.000-06:00

I have nothing to do. I’ve already wasted about an hour checking e-mail and other people’s blogs (which never get updated – ahem!) and I read two chapters in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, which I will probably continue with as soon as I sign off of Blogger.

Only six more hours… and then I’m leaving. I don’t really care if that’s only at 4pm or that I’m only putting in slightly over 20 hours for the week. I’m just sick of sitting here with nothing to do and my mind is definitely not here with the wedding and Chris getting in tomorrow and the fact that the song I’m performing Sunday (that was originally just fine, but needed some work) is now racing around in my head in shambles and nowhere near where it needs to be.

I had a strange dream last night, but I no longer remember what it was about. It was one of those that you know was good because you wanted to just stay asleep as long as possible and hold onto its last threads. But it was weird – that’s just a default these days.

Sprite Zero: No Sugar. No Carbs. Low Sodium. I have to curb my two-soda-a-day habit at work. That’s what happens when there are free sodas. One in the morning and one with lunch. I’m eating the rest of my Chipotle burrito from yesterday for lunch today so I can “work” through lunch and go home at four o’clock.

Last night was fun. We went to Red Robin for dinner with Emily and one of Laura’s friends and enjoyed some good food (wings – yum!). Then, Laura and I went to the mall where I proceeded to make her wear the veil I made Tuesday until she left my presence and went home. She was a little bitter, but that’s okay – I can live with that.

Sammie has come up with what is perhaps the best idea ever. She is sending me an e-mail every day with a picture of herself (or two, or three). That way, I can see her every day! Since she is at camp this week, she sent me my week’s worth on Monday morning and I have been enjoying them ever since. What can I say? I’m easily entertained.

I finished week five in my Daniel study. The fifth chapter is so insane. Belshazzar gathers together a thousand nobles for a feast and a hand appears to write on the wall:

Mene, Mene, Tekel, Upharsin

Mene: (“A Shekel”) God numbered the days of the kingdom and put an end to it.

Tekel: (“Shekels”) God weighed Belshazzar on the scales of men with authority and Belshazzar was found wanting and deficient.

Peres: (“A Half-Shekel,” Upharsin is the plural) God had already divided the kingdom between the Medes and Persians (play on words, too: Peres).

And, then, Belshazzar was killed that very night. Why?

Because he failed to follow Nebuchadnezzar’s lead in humbling himself, even though he knew that it was required of him.

God told Belshazzar the same thing three times, in three different ways, and he still failed to turn from his sin and pride.

We humans are such stubborn, prideful creatures. God have mercy on us.

On the more random side of things, I should find a countdown mechanism and employ it for myself… At least it would move and I could watch it count down when I have nothing to do today.

‘Cause it looks like it’s going to be that kind of day. Bummer.

Mood: Bored Listening to: Co-workers freaking out
Reading: C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

Nothing to do...

2006-07-05T14:34:00.000-06:00

So, I'm at work and I have stalled in my quest for consuming my time with what I'm actually being paid to be here for: work. I keep waiting to hear from others about what I might be able to do (my boss, a few other co-workers).

The thing is that I really don't want to be here. I have enough to do tonight and then from Friday through Monday that I just want to get on with it. And I'd like to sit and relax a little bit, too, if I get the chance.

Last week was incredible. To be at camp when I thought that I wasn't going to be able to go out this year was so beyond what I ever imagined. The teens we worked with were some of the best we've ever had and you could see the Spirit moving in so many of them. The only problems come in with those that break your heart because they are not allowing the Spirit to move in their lives and help them in overcoming all that this world has to offer them.

How wonderful to be refreshed and renewed in God's Word and in His fellowship for several days, to have anything and everything required of you 24 hours a day, to know that there is an eternal purpose in all that is being done - whether it be making sure kids don't kill each other on the waterslide or getting up to pick up another pitcher of Kool-Aid.

To be honest, there is no place on earth that I am happier or more challenged, and there is no place on earth that I would rather be than at Mountaintop. Every year, it is such a blessing to see God's handiwork in the lives of youth. Every year, it is such a blessing to find myself changed at the end of each day.

But it is also a source of heartbreak. The past few days, I've been weeping over past campers and staff members who have chosen paths other than those the Lord has provided for them. They have taken on Babylon's motto: "I am, and there is none besides me".

And it radically alters their lives.

Yet there are success stories as well, which bring such abundant joy. It is so evident that some of my campers have let Christ remain victorious in their daily living, even at such a young age.

And the salvation that is won! God is certainly gracious!

That doesn't even begin to describe camp, though. To do that, I would require thousands of pages - there are just too many memories and instances of God's grace and glory. Praise be to God Most High!

But now, I am home (even though I am at work), and I am finding it hard to sit still. When they re-imaged my machine prior to my departure for camp, they failed to re-install Solitaire and Minesweeper on my computer, so my time-consuming fallbacks are no longer in position. Instead, I have been known to twiddle my thumbs.

Maybe I'll work on the camp manual that I told Deb I'd work on this fall. Hmm...

Anyway, tonight the wedding chaos ensues. The ladies are headed out for Laura's bachelorette party this evening. Friday, Chris gets in from New Orleans and Laura, Katie and I are getting our nails done. Saturday, decorating, rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner will occupy my time and then, Sunday, the wedding will take up pretty much the whole day because I'm sure I'll spend some time calming Laura down in regards to anything that might be wrong. But I'm sure everything will be more than fine. The details are all set... it just now needs to all come together and work. No problem.

I'm contemplating leaving at 4pm. There's just nothing for me to do and I'm already anticipating fewer hours anyway because I didn't work yesterday (July 4) and I'm not planning on working Friday, so it doesn't really matter - I'll probably end up with the same amount anyway because they won't take out so much for taxes. And I'm not working Monday either. I keep praying that God helps me not freak out about it - I have more than enough, so I should have no worries about finances whatsoever.

If only I wasn't so preoccupied by saving money so I don't fall on my face when I finish college... it's only six months away!

How does time fly so fast? Only God knows.

Mood: Slightly incoherent Listening to: Some weird vibrating noise
Reading: Contemplating The Chronicles of Narnia again

Strange...

2006-06-24T00:07:00.000-06:00

Do you know how long it's been since I was last up and awake at midnight?

A really, really long time.

How strange... I repeat: one day, I will be a very happy morning person.

Creepy. Good and kind of cool, but creepy.

That's all. 'Night.

Mood: Ready for bed Listening to: Bethany Dillon, Imagination
Reading: My brother's blog

Catching my breath

2006-06-22T12:16:00.000-06:00

The past few days have been kind of nuts here at work. It's like they just realized that they need all of this stuff done before things go live at the end of next week and, so, I am winding up being the beneficiary - I have been running around like a madwoman throwing documents together when I don't even know what is really needed.

It's kind of intense.

But it's kept me busy, which has been wonderful. I've gone home the last few nights and just been exhausted, which is entertaining. My bedtime has shifted considerably since leaving college only six weeks ago. Last night, I was in bed around ten after I played piano for a while and read my Bible and some other stuff.

I must apologize, though, to anyone who calls me when I am halfway asleep - it's not intentional, it just happens. I'm not exactly coherent and I'm not exactly entertaining when I sound like I'm drugged (I'm not, don't worry).

Tonight, I'm going to Laura's to help out with some wedding stuff and figure out scheduling and stuff since I'm not going to be here next week and the wedding is the week after. There's so much to do and not enough time to get it all done!

But things have finally died down a little here at work, although I do think it will pick back up after lunch. It sounds like I have a lot of work to try and get done as fast as humanly possible, which for me means by tomorrow.

So... this could get interesting. In a lot of ways, my mind is already heading out to camp, which isn't the best scenario, but one that is definitely a reality. It's too tempting to just start packing things up and that kind of thing - all I can really let myself do is keep praying and wait for tomorrow night to roll around.

Things have been a lot better lately. God has given me a desire to be in His Word again, which has been such a blessing - how much we are renewed by a daily washing in Scripture! Beth Moore's study on Daniel has been good at pointing out and connecting things that I know to be true.

But, still, pray for me - if only because I will be with what could be 40-60 teenage girls next week and a young staff (which will be strange because that never happens). Spiritual warfare is always running rampant at Mountaintop and every year is different, so we need as much prayer as we can get.

Pastor Don and his wife have already been up on the hillside praying for weeks. They come earlier every year, each one more fervent to see those that walk in the camp gates come to know a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, their Savior.

Well, I'm going to see if my boss is around now. Perhaps she'll have something that's not documentation-related for me to do. That might be nice for a change.

Mood: Sluggish Listening to: A rare quiet in the office
Reading: Rob Richards, Has God Finished with Israel?

Brain Food

2006-06-20T22:14:00.000-06:00

"Only in the reflecting pool of the poured-out life can man finally see who he is."
[[Beth Moore]]

I like Beth Moore. And I like the fact that I get to go sleep very soon.

Mood: Good and tired Listening to: Nothing, actually
Reading: Rob Richards, Has God Finished with Israel?

There's only so much you can do...

2006-06-19T15:56:00.000-06:00

...when you don't permanently work somewhere.

I am currently awaiting further instruction and information regarding a few projects that I have been commissioned to work on. Amazingly, I have had about three hours' worth of work to do today, which is up from the 20-30 minutes I did some days last week. Good news for me, especially when I didn't get a full 40 hours in last week and I won't be around next week.

Why not? You might ask. I'm going to camp (yay!).

I'm going out to help out for the week and then I'm coming back for the week leading up to Laura's wedding, which includes several exciting but not-yet-planned activites. There is so much to do when it comes to weddings.

Honestly, I just want to hand most of it over to someone else and have them deal with the details. Sure, I want to have a say in things, but I don't really want to put in the legwork. We'll see how that works when I do get married - I might care more than I think I will. I hope not, but we'll see.

Tonight, I'm going out with Laura and Emily for a girls' night. Andy is going to be our driver (which I'm sure he is just thrilled about).

Other than that, life is pretty bland. I finally finished my quilt, sang with the worship team yesterday, and continue to try and catch a live version of Chris every few days instead of his voicemail while he's in New Orleans.

Funny boy. I sent a package to him this morning. It's contents? A copy of the USA-Italy World Cup game from last Saturday. He wanted it; I sent it.

What can I say? I'm just a sucker, I guess. That happens when you miss someone that you love. Oh well. I don't care. I'll be happier for it in the long run, so it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks.

I've been learning a lot lately, for sure. I started Beth Moore's study on Daniel and have almost finished the second week. The different things that she ties in are so appropriate for where I am right now and it has been such a blessing.

And I finished "Whatever Happened to Worship" by A.W. Tozer, of which the last two chapters are pretty mentally challenging. Good stuff, though. Good stuff.

Today, I have laminated a project that I have been working on for a while now. I also managed to "find" time to organize some stuff into binders and send out a bunch of emails. My boss is gone through Wednesday, so there's even less to do than normal. I had to solicit various people in the department to see if anyone had anything for me to do.

Gotta go deliver the laminated deliverables now. What a life I lead!

Mood: Not sure, but good Listening to: People talk over cubicles
Reading: Old e-mails, old accountability stuff

Disk space

2006-06-13T19:17:00.000-06:00

So... my dad just bought four 40GB hard drives so we can start recording.

That's the best news I've heard in a while, though now comes the actual grunt work.

Oh well... recording is hard, but it's a beautiful thing.

That's it. I need some sleep because my body needs to stop waking me up before my alarm goes off... stupid morning adjustment thing.

I'm starting to resign myself to the fact that I will be a morning person someday, and a very happy one at that.

But it still weirds me out.

Mood: Tired Listening to: The doorbell that just rang
Reading: My list of crazy dreams - my subconscious needs help

The disadvantages of being home-bound...

2006-06-12T21:32:00.000-06:00

I feel like I'm just existing, which is crazy, but almost completely true. It's too much effort to try and fit myself into the lives of others simply because my life isn't here. I just don't have the energy.

Over the past few weeks, it has been confirmed that I am meant to be here - I have a job, for crying out loud! A full-time, be-here-until-you-go-back-to-school job that keeps me busy and distracted and is allowing me to save up money while I live under my parents' roof and enjoy the rain every evening as I go to bed earlier than I have in over a year so I can get up and see hours I have rarely seen in the past year and do it all over again.

It's great... it's just always the same.

Except my dreams. They keep changing, for sure. I've had so many bizarre dreams recently that I'm starting to write them down in order to speculate crazily about whether or not there's any pattern to the madness. There's not even really anyone to tell anything to, either.

And, after tomorrow, pretty much all of my friends are in Louisiana or some other distant place that is unreachable by an hour and a half or less in the car. I know I'll be fine... but right now I just want to do what I've been doing a lot of the time over the past few days - I just want to curl up in my bed and let myself cry.

This is to be such a time of stretching, I know... but I already feel as though I've reached my limit and it's barely begun. The next seven weeks are going to chew me up and spit me back out in ways I never dreamed of (no matter how bizarre my dreams get).

I'll be stronger in the end. God will bless me for remaining where I am to be.

It's just that I ask the same question as C.S. Lewis: How painful will "the best" turn out to be?

Only time will tell.

Until then, pray for me.

Mood: Depressed Listening to: My ceiling fan
Reading: Nothing - I finished The Devil Wears Prada last night

Working "hard"

2006-06-06T10:12:00.000-06:00

I'm currently at my job and I have nothing to do. And my boss is in a meeting until (supposedly) 12:30... at which point I will have done nothing for approximately three hours. But I have a job, which is really good because it's full-time for the rest of the summer.

John comes home Friday. Chris leaves Tuesday. Lauren and Greg are moving to Texas as soon as they get back from their honeymoon. Too much moving about.

Well... I'm going to find something to do now.

Mood: Bored Listening to: Cubicle noises
Reading: About a baby in China with three arms

All I have for tonight

2006-05-29T00:08:00.000-06:00

I just got back from spending the day with Chris' family in the Springs and it was a good day. I played with kids and got to spend some time with Chris, as well as some time with his brother and sister-in-law (who are moving this week across the country). So it was good.

But now I'm tired, so that's all I can say.

Except for the fact that downhere's Wide-eyed and Mystified is incredible. "Little is Much," "The Real Jesus," and "Remember Me" are especially incredible lyrically, but I'm in love with the whole thing. You should check it out. 'Night.

Mood: Very sleepy Listening to: downhere, Wide-eyed and Mystified
Reading: Nothing tonight - the brain is too fuzzy

And the alphabet goes like this:

2006-05-26T18:45:00.000-06:00

"ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ"

Or at least I think it does. Right now it does. Earlier it didn't. All week it hasn't.

That's the thing about filing papers for eight hours a day. You don't always know where something goes because you don't remember the correct order of all the letters.

Oh well. It was work and work is good for me.

Too bad I'm too tired to do much of anything else.

The weekend's here, which is nice. I can sleep tomorrow and Sunday I'm going down to Colorado Springs to spend time with Chris and his family (and when I say "family," I'm pretty sure I mean just about the whole thing, but I'm not sure - that needs to be clarified). And then I need to focus on finding work for next week and the week after... that would be good.

I need to stop eating popcorn now.

Mood: Sleepy Listening to: Sara Groves (all of her albums on shuffle)
Reading: A.W. Tozer, Whatever Happened to Worship?

Suddenly Homesick

2006-05-22T23:19:00.000-06:00

Today was a good day. I went in to work, had to wait until it was verified that I was working, took a nap in the meantime (which was a major blessing), worked all day, came home, spent time with the parents watching movies and, most importantly, kept my mind off of what I need work to help me keep my mind of off.

But as soon as I went up to my room and listened to the recording on someone's voicemail, I felt so incredibly homesick.

So, I focused my attention to reading, reading Ezekiel 26 and finishing "The Dangerous Duty of Delight" by John Piper.

I must say I still don't know what to take away from this little book. I understand the concepts - his explication of Christian Hedonism is incredibly well-done, but I just don't know what it looks like practically for me in this time and place.

Perhaps I'm just overthinking all of this. Maybe it's a heck of a lot simpler than I'd like to think it is... I just can't get my brain to that point.

There are so many things that I desire, believing that they are good desires, but can I truly set them aside for the joy set before me? Can I set them aside in joy and not as a sacrifice? Where there is "sacrifice," there is some level of self-pity, so how do I separate out what has been so thoroughly mixed?

It is so beautiful when it storms. I remember watching the thunderheads roll in and the lightning jump between clouds when I was younger - I anticipated it every summer.

A storm is beginning inside of me, but I cannot enjoy it as I do the seasonal thunderstorms.

Perhaps that is where my greatest lesson is to be found.

Mood: Contemplative Listening to: The stillness after the storm
Reading: John Piper, The Dangerous Duty of Delight

Something's different...

2006-05-20T21:08:00.000-06:00

If you haven't figured it out yet, I changed the template for my blog. You do 235 posts with one layout and it kind of gets old after a while.

I am currently sitting in my room enjoying the fact that I am neither too warm nor too cold and it is a Saturday night after a good Saturday. I'm tired, but it would be stupid to take a nap given that 1) it's 9:07pm and 2) I already took one today. So, no nap. I might try to go to bed early, but we'll see how that turns out.

Yesterday, I worked for eight hours filing annual performance reviews for a national company. And there's still plenty to do, but I don't know if I have work next week or not (contrary to my original assignment - there's a lot of confusion on whether or not the company's supposed to have a temp next week or not). So... still waiting on that. It would be nice to be able to work because 1) it gives me something to do, even if meticulous and 2) it pays well and my whole plan for the summer is to work so that I can earn some money, give to the Lord what is His, and save the rest. In other news, I'm still waiting to know if I'll have a job for the rest of the summer, but I'm trusting the Lord to figure that one out. Hopefully, I'll know soon.

Lauren's bridal shower was today, so I spent a lot of my time at her future sister-in-law's house catching up with my old small group leader and a few of the girls from CREW. It was fun but being social to that extent saps my energy (or maybe my energy was sapped to begin with because I woke up with a headache - I don't really know).

Either way you play it, I came home and slept until 4:30, when I got up because we met the cousins for dinner at 5pm. Dinner was good, even though I'm not sure I was all there... my post-nap drowsiness hadn't worn off. My cousin's pregnant, though, so that's fun news to report. It's good to have extended family with who you share more than just genes.

And then I came home and changed my blog because I was bored, like I am now. I think I'm going to read and maybe work on some Spanish before I head to bed. Mom and Dad are watching TV (I think), so I might join them for a little bit. I'm headed to the Fort in the morning, so I'm really excited about that, but that's still a ways away, so... I might as well find something to do.

Which I'm going to do. Now. :)

Mood: Good Reading: John Piper, The Dangerous Duty of Delight
Listening to: James Taylor, Greatest Hits

It's only 11pm...

2006-05-17T23:09:00.000-06:00

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm going crazy already and I've only been home for five days. I've already gone through all of my old standbys for wasting empty days, but all they are is empty, so I'm glad I've gotten that (mostly) out of my system.

I just miss people, I guess. And it's harder talking to people who are interacting with other people. I just feel cut off. I have a lot to do and I desire to get things done, but I just don't. The likely scenario is that I'll go to bed now and try and tackle things again in the morning. There's just not much else that I can do tonight.

Last night, I did sleep, which was nice and, today, I was blessed with work from this Friday until next Friday, so that's good. I'm just tired and going crazy from being in the house all on my own (for the most part) since I got home last week - it just doesn't work for me anymore. My mind starts going and nothing gets done except it slowly driving me crazy.

Stretching, stretching, stretching... I'd say that's definitely accurate.

Mood: Tired Reading: John Piper, The Dangerous Duty of Delight
Listening to: Acceptance, Phantoms (in my head - kind of sad, I know)

Funny little thing called 'sleep'...

2006-05-16T02:21:00.000-06:00

I don't sleep well at home. It's too weird to not have someone breathing in the same room as me.

And, for whatever reason, I just can't manage to turn my brain off.

I miss people. I'm always thinking of what else I have to do. The pile of stuff on my floor overwhelms me. There always seems to be pressure to work and, when I can't find work, to keep looking.

It's just that job-hunting is one of my most-despised things to do. I always feel I'm being rude or out-of-line when I walk into a store and ask if they're hiring. But I do it anyway. And, still, no work.

I just have to keep praying that this summer will be different - that I'll manage to find enough work to keep me busy and to keep my mind off of my habitual thought patterns.

For so many people, summer means freedom but, for me, it so often just seems like a waste of my time.

I've got to figure that one out.

A few things did get checked off of my list today, though, so I'm grateful for that. Tomorrow, I hope to accomplish more (including a job interview and some errands for my parents). There's too much to do and too much time to do it in (from my current point of view) - that just isn't enough motivation for me.

Right now, I'm looking at this insanely long list and my only response is that I can get started on it but, from now, I still have three months to get everything done - that's not purposeful or productive at all.

And I can hardly say that it glorifies God at all to have that attitude.

Which I'm working on, see... I need to glorify God in everything, even when it's not what I would have chosen for myself, because He has chosen this time for a specific purpose whether I understand it or not.

I can trust in that sovereignty, though I so often fail in doing so.

Just hit my head on the wall accidentally, so I guess it's time for me to try and sleep. If this keeps up for another week and a half, Insomniac Summer No. 2 will have struck. Please pray that doesn't happen.

Mood: Worn Listening to: Nothing, to be honest
Reading: The clock - it says "Tue 2:28 AM" [[why can I not sleep?]]

Stretching

2006-05-14T23:07:00.000-06:00

There are some things that never get easier. To be honest, I'm beginning to wonder if they just become harder.

In so many ways, I wish this season could be different, but I know it is as it is for a reason and, so, I look forward to it and battle it all at the same time.

But I can't live like this!

I can't just turn off my emotions, either. They taint everything, changing my perspective, causing it to loom about one specific area of my life.

Maybe it just needs to be dealt with, though. Maybe I just need to get it out of my system.

I wish I knew, but I don't.

Right now, I'm feeling completely severed from everything - how can I change that?

How can I be connected and yet removed, and content yet purposeful?

I feel as though I could spend all of my energy on attempts to be content, but there is so much more for me than that! But, in my attempts to be purposeful, will I be able to be content?

I like doing one thing at a time and this is definitely not that season.

If you think about it, pray for me. Pray I get a job so that I can take my mind off of other things for at least 8 hours a day. That would be nice.

Mood: Exhausted, broken LIstening to: My blind hitting my windowsill
Reading: Ezekiel 12

2006-05-14T04:09:00.000-06:00

Why in the world is it seemingly impossible for me to sleep at home?

At a loss for words...

2006-05-12T22:48:00.000-06:00

Where to begin?

I am officially done with another school year and I have one semester left.

12 credits stand between me and the end of my formal education, between me and the "real world," and between me and all that I do not know.

It's incredible how much has changed in the past year - it's incredible how God blesses us even in situations that we don't see as blessings.

But they make us lean harder upon the grace that saves us and they make us learn to rest in God's sovereignty.

In the end, we know not how to be angry with God - it seems impossible to do so.

We just don't understand and battle the not-understanding, knowing that there should be peace when we can't find it, blaming ourselves when we can't get quite to where we know we need to be.

But perhaps there is a beauty in that, as well.

God has us placed where we are for reasons that we may never know; He has prepared things for us to do and seasons for us to live through for the sole purpose of teaching us how to glorify Him in all circumstances.

This summer is one of those times. I don't understand why things have lined up as they have, but I'm here, I have to return to school in the fall (instead of being done now, which was the original plan), and there is a peace and a safety in that - and I never expected to find peace or safety in these circumstances.

Laura's half-living in the basement. Mom's really excited that I'm home and she has plans for us to do that she hasn't told me about yet, which are supposed to be crazy for her, but I'm excited about that. Dad's watching hard drives on eBay so that we can dedicate not only time but storage space to a recording project. John's coming home in about a month.

And I turn 21 on Tuesday, which has me feeling rather old.

That and the fact that I took what might be my last scantron exam Wednesday. I wrote a long term paper, wrote a short paper on the ethics of MySpace, and wrote an article that I'm actually satisfied with (because I had more than enough information - that's never happened before).

This is going to be a strange summer, for certain, but God will bless it. Perhaps especially because of that.

How strange to have all of my stuff in one place again!

But another year has ended and, now, it is time to look for a job. Again. 'Night.

Mood: Exhausted, missing people Listening to: MercyMe, Spoken For
Reading: David Sedaris, Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim

And again, growth...

2006-04-30T00:59:00.000-06:00

Today was a very long day, but it was worthwhile - at least in God's greater plan.

It was fun in places, irritating in others, and simply painful for large chunks of time (like the last four and a half hours), but God is still God at its end and He is still good.

I'm having difficulty deciphering my mental state right now, to be honest... so much has happened that I do not know where to begin.

And I won't tonight anyway because I am desperately in need of sleep.

In the end, peace oftens comes hand-in-hand with exhaustion. Amazing how God breaks us down to reveal to us our deepest needs.

Praise be to the Lord who reigns on high and sifts through my babbling and incoherent nature, understands me and loves me in spite of myself - all because He sees Christ's blood covering me rather than my own nature.

One issue down, one more to go... but that will work itself out, as well. I'm in good hands.

Mood: Beaten and exhausted, but peaceful Listening to: House sounds
Reading: Old letters

An Apology

2006-04-21T02:13:00.000-06:00

Some of you might have seen my opinion piece that has been posted here this past week, entitled, “Opting Out,” regarding my perspective on a topic I researched for an online package I put together for one of my classes.

In the context of that package, my opinion makes more sense; without it, my opinion comes across as unnecessarily harsh.

I wrote the package for one class and the column for another, linking them together when I could not put the column on my Web site along with my articles, but wanting readers who desired to know my own opinion on the matter to be able to read it.

My object was not to offend, but I fear that my article has done so, especially when it was originally without a disclaimer and especially because it was purposefully harsh and critical of the way our society functions in regards to feminism and roles.

I chose the one end of the spectrum and focused upon it, limiting the other points of view – such as permitted in a column. By my own definition, this is propaganda. Without a disclaimer, I violated my own ethical standards in posting it.

There is a middle territory on this issue, which I did not cover at all because I was going for the extremes to make a point. We have the right to choose what we want to do with our lives whether it is working or mothering or both or neither.

Also misleading is my focus upon secular research and sources in my piece. Again, it was for a class, so I limited it to those sources. There is more to my reasoning that is the basis for what I believe, as I would like to explain below.

I would like to start out with the fact that my mother works and works very hard. She has chosen that and I greatly respect her for it – it is an example that I can do anything I set my mind to and that God blesses her in that.

Personally, I enjoy working – I enjoy the challenge of finishing some arduous task and being able to go home at the end of the day feeling as though I accomplished something that I set out to do. I’m a very task-oriented person who likes to keep busy and the workplace is an environment that I enjoy.

When I talk of desiring to be a stay-at-home mother, it is not because I think women who choose to have a career or children and a career are doing anything wrong. I’m saying that I desire to focus upon that – that is where my passion lies. I want to focus on providing for my family in ways that don’t necessarily bring in money.

“She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.” [[Proverbs 31:15]]

It’s a different kind of work – and it is also a kind of work that I love doing.

My issue is not with women who work outside of the home; my issue is with the women in our culture who look down on those that choose to do so voluntarily – women who feel that they cannot be sufficiently challenged unless they are in a workplace doing the same work as men.

God created us differently – “Male and female He created them”!

I have a hard time understanding why some women do not appreciate that fact! We are created beautifully, in God’s image – why should we feel that we are of less worth simply because we are women rather than men?

In all of my writings, I like asking questions because it makes me think about the implications of our world existing as such. I don’t know the answers to the questions I ask, though it might be suggested that I do through my wording – I am working through the answers just the same as anyone else.

What matters most to me is that I fear the Lord in everything that I do.

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” [[Proverbs 31:30]]

And, in the end, what others may think of this issue is not what matters most to me – and I fear that it is in this that I have wronged you as readers.

“Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels.” [[2 Timothy 2:23]]

What I wrote was not Biblically based and was bound to lead to a “foolish and stupid” argument, no matter what my intention. I failed to recognize that and for that I apologize and ask your forgiveness. What profit was there in that piece being posted? None.

It has done nothing to edify my brothers and sisters or to demonstrate the love of Christ toward those who are not of His household.

As for now, the column is part of a project that is being graded and will remain up for that purpose, with a disclaimer attached. After there is no longer an academic need for its placement, it will be removed from this site and not reposted.

Thank you for your patience with a woman who is still being perfected.

In Christ,
Kate