Growing Pains

Does anyone else still struggle to figure out what life is supposed to look like?

I personally have no clue. Factor in the fact that, somehow, in some way, Christ is meant to be at the center of it all, and I find myself floundering even when it comes down to deciding what to do with my life. Should I be an organizational communication consultant? A musician? A mother and homemaker? A professional gift wrapper (still holding out for this one to be remotely possible)? A writer? An artist? A seamstress? All of the above (laugh all you want, but I do try to make it all work in my head sometimes)?

By now, I do know that I can't have it all. On my best days, two of the above seem improbable, if not impossible. Perhaps I have too many interests or perhaps I think I do just so that I can avoid making a decision as to what to do with my time and energy and talents. Perhaps I'm just scared that what I have to offer the world isn't good enough. Really scared.

But there's the crux of the whole issue right there, isn't it? I'm not good enough.

I've spent a lifetime trying to skirt by on my own virtues and successes, in spite of the fact that it is God's supreme sovereignty and grace that has gifted me with everything that I have and am.

Currently, I'm finding my way through Water into Wine: Hope for the Miraculous in the Struggle of the Mundane by Kelly Minter. She is quickly becoming one of my favorite authors, for many reasons, but this particular book concerns the miracle of Jesus turning water into wine at the wedding in Cana (from John 2).

One of the most indelible things she has hit thus far has been the perspective of the servants. Her point is that they likely served guests and their masters day after day, year after year, with little variation in the routine - until Jesus showed up and asked them to draw water, which they drew and, somehow in the transfer, it became the best of wines.

But I love what Minter has to say:

What is it all for? Another day of work, another day of showing up, another concert, another wedding, another stone jar of water, another order from yet another person: "Fill the jars with water... Take them to the master of the banquet." The servants had probably been doing this for years. Feast after feast, they served people who were wealthier and higher in status. It was the same rote activity with no shadow of turning.

"Would you care for another hors d'oeuvre?"
"May I recommend the salmon puffs?"
"May I take your plate?"
"Can I get you a refill?"

Day after day. Water in... water out. Routine. Predictable. Monotonous. Mundane. Regimented.
What in the world is it all for?

I don't think I'm stretching things by suggesting that this may have been the servants' dilemma, because it seems to me that this is everyone's dilemma: We all go 'round and 'round, attempting to make life work just so we can get up the next day to make it work again. Whether we act on Broadway or deliver newspapers for a living, life doesn't seem to make much sense or have much value without the conviction that God is divinely involved, able and eager to reach down at any moment and turn the everyday stuff of life into something divine, something that counts for eternity, something that is beyond ourselves.

Beyond myself. I so rarely think in those terms. It's either "I can do this" or "I can't." There doesn't seem to be a fuzzy gray area in between where I discover that "I can't, but God can." I'm not bringing Him my water jars "filled to the brim" and expecting Him to do something bewilderingly amazing with them - such as turning them into wine.

I find every excuse not to fill my water jars. At all. I complain about the water being the wrong temperature, requiring a filter, or splashing all over what I'm wearing - I don't simply obey in offering all that I am and all that God made me to be (which is the same thing, really) for Him to use.

Not every day will be extraordinary. The servants at Cana likely waited a really long time before that one incredible day that Jesus was there. But I need to expect that God both can and will provide in miraculous ways for my life here and there. I need to expect that He can and will divinely speak into my life about what it should look like, where I should work, how I should serve those that I love (and some that I struggle to), and when to simply rest.

So this is what being grown-up feels like, huh? Still working to fork over to God the things that are already rightfully His... and praying that I might occasionally, by His grace, be able to do so.

Excerpt from Water into Wine: Hope for the Miraculous in the Struggle of the Mundane by Kelly Minter. Minter also wrote No Other Gods: Confronting our Modern Day Idols, which I read earlier this year and which was an instrument God used to reveal idolatry that had/has made a home in my own heart; and The Fitting Room: Putting on the Character of Christ, which just came out in April and which I will be starting as soon as I finish Water into Wine.

Like I said, one of my newest favorite authors. See kellyminter.com for more.

Take This (Simple)

In 2006, I wrote a song and recorded it in the span of about 24 hours - it was my first experience with such a fast-paced process. Over the years, I've gone back to it time and again, grateful for the heart with which it was composed and a little bashful over the production value.

Tonight, the themes of the song still resonate deeply with me. Perhaps it is just that God has led me back into a similar season or that I still have not grown out of my abiding desire to hold perfection and control within my own grasp.

I wish this were simple -

This falling down and getting up again.

It would be easier if I wasn't so frustrated by bruised shins.

I get so frustrated. Not many people see that side of me. It's not that I get frustrated with life all that often (although that hasn't necessarily been the case in the last few months - an anomaly, I assure you), I get frustrated with how I react to life. My depressive, defeatist side comes easily out of the woodwork when things are brewing around me. Things like bruised shins hurt, but they heal if given the time. Unfortunately, I don't like how allowing time for such things to heal creates delays in "the plan."

But every fall is dangerous,

I've made an idol of control and, in doing so, lost it all.

It amazes me how the bruises of life and our desire to keep ourselves from them at any cost results in a continued effort to fix things on our own. Each trip and injury I sustain is dangerous because my pride makes me think I can fix anything that comes my way. And when I can't, I'm miserable, frustrated, and I've lost the most important hope that I have - that of Christ reigning over me.

Supposedly, it's simple - 

This getting up and falling down again.

It would be easier if I weren't so daunted by the distance.

Have you noticed that almost everything we desire seems to be so far off? When I originally penned the lyrics for this song, Chris and I were dating and eagerly waiting to be engaged - at which point we would still be waiting, then just eagerly waiting to be married. 

Waiting! I feel like so much of my life is filled with just longing and waiting to be somewhere else, someone else, and doing something else. 

I find it difficult to trust God for the things that I've always considered "far off." Music is a great example. There have been seasons where God has opened my heart and my time to pour into creating music that I'm still proud of and desire to share with others, but those times have been few and far between. Granted, He has had many things for me in the "rests," the musical pauses between measures, but I've always been daunted by the scale of what I've desired to do with music. It's terrifying in so many ways to me, especially now that I am married and looking to a future in the workforce and eventually (hopefully) having a family - how does music begin to fit into that framework?

But every rise is dangerous - 

I've made a mess of success, taking glory that is not mine.

And, yet, I wonder - am I still not in a position where I can fully give God back the glory that I so easily stole from Him in high school and in college and, heck, recently in thinking that I could do all of this myself? I so easily steal His glory and fail to realize that I have none whatsoever on my own.

How foolish our rises in pride are! How dangerous! I do not understand what I do - Lord God, have mercy on my soul!

I get into the perfect place for Satan to make me utterly useless - that place where I fear doing anything for fear of rising or falling too far from where God desires me to be. That place where I fail to surrender anything at all at the feet of the only One who can fashion all I bring into things of use for the kingdom. So much more often than it is, my prayer needs to (honestly and earnestly) be:

Take this away from me - 

Take this fear of failing, this urge to hold all that's holding me;

Take this need for normalcy, these attempts to grab and keep.

Take this like of being liked, this view that I am holding everything;

Take this mind that believes perfection is right within its reach.

Take this from me.

Are you ever at peace within yourself? I think there have been times that I was, but they (as so many other things) are few and far between. I never know the meaning of "enough" - even if the sufficiency comes from Christ - and that is a problem. I am:

Never satisfied -

Always not quite right;

Never pleased with stumbles;

Afraid of every fumble.

But You're right here and You never steer me wrong.

It is to You that I belong.

I cannot even begin to understand the root concept that I belong to Christ and only Christ. It certainly is not reflected in my daily life as I waddle around in the mire I've created trying to serve too many masters. I too easily forget I can cling to the wonderful and mysterious beauty of the Word made flesh and made an atonement for my every sin. 

That is the Hope of Easter. It is what my soul desperately needs every moment.

[["Take This (Simple)," ©2006 Alyssa Kate Grinstead; All rights reserved.]]

Burdens & Chaos

If you have been keeping up with our renovation blog (http://mercuryreno.blogspot.com), you will know that our lives have been slightly chaotic for a long time. As the school year comes to end, we find ourselves in an accumulated pile of burdens and chaos that seems to have snowballed over the last few months.

Perhaps the biggest thing is simply that this spring was not anything like Chris or I ever thought it would be. I planned to work toward finishing my thesis. Chris planned to take a long-term sub position and continue to hope for a full time job next year.

We had no intentions of buying/renovating a house.

We had no thoughts of Chris hurting himself in the midst of that process.

We had no concept of what it would look like to have Chris try to work both his own job and the long-term sub job while recovering (twice) from knee things (the initial injury and then surgery eight weeks later).

We had no idea that it would be so hard for me to finish a semester where I haven't made any progress on my thesis whatsoever, can barely keep up with the one seminar I'm taking and the one lab section I'm responsible for.

And yet, as much as I tend toward disappointment and frustration in all of our stalled and delayed and unfulfilled plans for the last few months, I find that I am still attempting to carry this burden all by myself. Didn't Jesus say:

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs on your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. [[Matthew 10:29-31]]

I fail to see worth in myself unless I am fulfilling my self-ordained plans. It is simple to feel the failure when I have not really accomplished what I set out to do with the last few months. It has been a struggle even to see small projects (like the blanket below) get finished when their original purpose is no longer existent or has no use at the current time.

I've struggled with idols in my heart and misconceptions about God and who He is and how He views me like I have never before in the twelve years I've walked with Christ. There have been so many times where I have looked at my life these past few months and wondered if there was any blessing in it.

Don't get me wrong - I know that there is blessing in it and blessing written all over every inch, even if I still don't see all of it. But there are things that I have held so tightly to that they have accumulated upon my back and weighed me down. My relationship with God has been strained as I have struggled to understand what "blessing" and "common grace" and "love" all mean.

And yet, there is one thing that is always the last thing to come to mind - when I need it most of all:

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. [[Matthew 11:28-30]]

 I need rest for my soul. Pray that I find it in the only place it can be found.

Latest Project: The Mercury Renovation

So... Chris and I just closed on our first home. The thing is, it needs a lot of everything - cleaning, painting, new this, new that... all sorts of things!

While we're fixing the place up, I've started a blog to keep track of our progress. Check out daily updates at http://mercuryreno.blogspot.com!

How He loves us...

Life since November has been a whirlwind of emotions and personal detours that has left me in a state of spiritual disarray. For a while, I found myself at the foot of the cross daily, glorying in the simple fact that my Father loved me.

Not only does He love me, but He loved me enough to send His most valued thing - His Son - to die on my behalf. That is no ordinary love.

“How He Loves” has become one of my favorite songs, and as I prayed tonight, struggling to grasp hold of some flotation device as I sank into my own misery, the words flowed into my mind and their meaning fought to take root in my heart.

He is jealous for me /

I am finding more and more that I have mistaken common grace for the immense and incredible love of the Father. It is certain that He bestows gifts of grace to all mankind - men and women see with eyes, eat tasty foods, experience success, and hold newborns regardless of faith in God. Christopher was quick to remind me the other night that God grants common grace to reveal aspects of Himself to the world and to draw men unto Him.

But He is jealous for me. That is no ordinary love. The love of the Father is a love that protects, never fades, and that fights for me when the covenant that I cannot keep on my own is threatened. My Savior will fight for my heart when other things threaten to take it from Him.

And, perhaps if I am fully honest with myself, He has had good reason to fight for my heart recently. There are too many distractions, no matter how hard I try to ward them off - only one taking root in my heart is too many.

Loves like a hurricane //
I am a tree / Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy //

‘Hurricane’ is an appropriate word. Life seems to be throwing all sorts of things at us from every angle and we can’t seem to make our way to the eye, where peace reigns in the middle of the storm. And we are certainly bending beneath every bit of its weight.

And, yet, I can almost see the love of God in each wind, if I let myself. God’s love abounds in Christopher’s skiing mishap, as He continues to show Himself faithful with the slow restoration of movement to Christopher’s foot and the fact that it could have been much, much worse. God’s love resides in our housing situation, waiting to close on a house that seemed impossible from the beginning and has been one victorious and humbling hurdle after the next. God’s love is evident in the girls’ retreat last weekend and the prayers that were answered for unity and love among them. God’s love brings mercy in the form of my little brother - who was fully available and gave up a few of his days to come help me get home things straightened out on a short deadline. God’s love is with others, as His protection and desire for His glory to be made great are revealed in circumstances beyond anyone’s control.

And God’s love is perfect, seeking to refine me to make me more like His Son.

When all of a sudden, I am unaware / Of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory /

Oh, how I wish I could understand what He is doing! I am so vastly unaware of the workings behind the scenes, of how these afflictions are to be eclipsed by glory because of the victory of the cross!

And I realize just how beautiful You are
and how great Your affections are for me //

It is too easy to look at the presence of common grace and pitch a fit over not being granted one or two pieces of it. Why do I care so much when I have something so much greater - when the God of the Universe loves me with no ordinary love?

I so desperately need to understand, but not what I think I must - I do not need to understand which pieces of common grace God has for my life, but the very important truth that He loves us. How He loves us so.

[["How He Loves," lyrics by John Mark McMillan]]