I'm not quite sure how I got to this point, but I'm getting married in what is now less than a week. This thing that has been so far off for the past year and a half is finally going to happen. I get so overwhelmed by emotion sometimes.
But it's been such an encouragement to see where I've been growing in the past few months. There are changes that I'm finally seeing in myself that I never thought would be possible, but that I prayed for anyway.
For one, I am becoming more bold. There's something that happens when you have to take ownership over your life. There's a process of growing up that takes away some of the "bashfulness," as Rick Whitney put it at the Rock Friday night. There's such a freedom when you begin to come to the realization that God is the source of everything you have and is your only true authority.
But it's more than being bold. I truly believe that being bold is rooted firmly in self-worth and confidence, based on who I am in relation to Christ. Ironically, boldness and confidence are found in humility. It was so strange to stand on stage last night at the Rock and lead worship with a brother and a sister, and feel fully at ease, yet fully in the presence of God. I didn't shake nervously during soundcheck or during the first few songs. The only time I began shaking was when I realized I wasn't!
I am such a long way from where I was four or five years ago, where I would shake out of nervousness, but truly only out of pride - not out of fear or reverence for the One who has given me talents to use for His glory. How gracious our God is!
I do not spend time with the Father in the same ways that I used to. I am sorely lacking in discipline these days, partially due to the long list I am constantly whittling away at for the wedding, partially due to exhaustion, and partially due to laziness. But tonight, I am off to calm my racing mind at my Savior's feet, where the whole of my being so longs to fall. Perhaps I'll even write something.
There is so much to be said for discipline, for showing up every day ready to work for the kingdom. I am so often unprepared. Tomorrow will be different.
Mood: Simply Tired Listening to: Last Summer's Demos
Reading: Not Nearly Enough
"Those that cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs." [[Jonah 2:8]]
17 June 2007
24 May 2007
One Month
It's amazing to me how time just seems to fly right past and that, once it picks up, it doesn't let you back down. The past six months have been a whirlwind of planning and preparation, searching and staying. I've become engaged, graduated, moved out, commuted to work, gone to work for a church, been sick countless times, slept little, loved a lot of people, spent a lot of time with my parents, and begun to realize what it's like to not only be post-high school, but post-college as well.
Sometimes, it's incredibly hard. For instance, there are times when I talk to my brother on the phone and I just wish we were still in high school and living in both the same house and the same state. There are times when I get so frustrated because my mom doesn't grasp the fact that my life exists apart from her and not everything can get done within her timeframe. There are times when I'd love to just curl up on the couch and listen to my dad as he plays and writes music.
But it's so incredibly rewarding and worthwhile. Certainly, I have cried my share of tears, but so many of them have been tears of overwhelming joy.
I've gotten to know the beautiful woman that my brother loves. I've seen the girls on our team open and flourish and grow so much in their faith in the Lord. I've re-opened a relationship with a friend from middle school. I've known the freedom and excitement of worshipping with a band behind me. I've healed. I've become a little more confident. I've seen a front-page byline at a newspaper with my name on it.
And, in one month, I get to marry my best friend - perhaps the cause of the most joy and excitement.
In the midst of all of this, however, I have found it hard to write. There are times when I find it difficult to process my circumstances without writing. Perhaps this season has even been one of those times. I simply felt incapable of writing, of trying to put down all that has been going on both within me and outside of me.
Last weekend, I watched two of our closest friends marry each other. They were so excited that they fidgeted through the ceremony and cried during their vows. That swept me into overjoy - I fear there is no other word for it! I cried for joy the three days prior to the wedding, almost the entire day of the wedding, and have been crying sporadically ever since.
How incredible it is that God grants us such a gift as to spend the rest of our lives with our best friend!
The reality is beginning to sink in for me. One month.
One month to finish preparing for a lifetime of preparation, of kingdom building. One month to move as much as possible north to the Fort, even though I can't come home often and gas prices are ridiculously high. One month to figure out insurance policies and whether or not we'll actually have someplace to live. One month to organize two persons' lives into one as much as possible.
One more month with my last name. One more month of sleeping and living alone. And one more month of saying "good night" and having it mean "goodbye."
How did we come down to merely one month? Wasn't it yesterday that it was November and December and we were just putting shape to our plans? How do we now have rings and vows and RSVPs and gifts arriving?
It is so surreal, yet so real all at the same time.
Christopher started packing in the last few days, and I just get so excited to think that I get to live with and serve with my best friend for as long as God wills us both to live. We get to celebrate with friends and family, and we get to set off on our own to make our own lives and decisions, and to seek God's will for our "family."
Which is such a strange word, but one that I am so grateful for its many meanings.
I have a family that I was born into. Mom, Dad, little brother, dogs, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...
But I also have families that I've gained: multiple church families, a high school family, a camp family, a college family...
And I'm about to gain Christopher's family as well.
It's so incredible to think that representatives from each of these family branches will be celebrating under the same roof with us in only a month. I used to get so excited for heaven simply because it meant they would all be together - how wonderful a foretaste this will be!
I don't know how I wound up 22, or getting married, or with a journalism degree, or stronger in my faith, or anything. I just know that I let go and God has swept me along to where He desires me to be in this moment.
It has not been and may not always be easy, but I don't think that ease truly plays any good role in life. It simply results in stagnant people. Change happens. We grow. We learn what it means to look a little more like Christ.
Being married apparently refines you. I look forward to that.
One month.
Sometimes, it's incredibly hard. For instance, there are times when I talk to my brother on the phone and I just wish we were still in high school and living in both the same house and the same state. There are times when I get so frustrated because my mom doesn't grasp the fact that my life exists apart from her and not everything can get done within her timeframe. There are times when I'd love to just curl up on the couch and listen to my dad as he plays and writes music.
But it's so incredibly rewarding and worthwhile. Certainly, I have cried my share of tears, but so many of them have been tears of overwhelming joy.
I've gotten to know the beautiful woman that my brother loves. I've seen the girls on our team open and flourish and grow so much in their faith in the Lord. I've re-opened a relationship with a friend from middle school. I've known the freedom and excitement of worshipping with a band behind me. I've healed. I've become a little more confident. I've seen a front-page byline at a newspaper with my name on it.
And, in one month, I get to marry my best friend - perhaps the cause of the most joy and excitement.
In the midst of all of this, however, I have found it hard to write. There are times when I find it difficult to process my circumstances without writing. Perhaps this season has even been one of those times. I simply felt incapable of writing, of trying to put down all that has been going on both within me and outside of me.
Last weekend, I watched two of our closest friends marry each other. They were so excited that they fidgeted through the ceremony and cried during their vows. That swept me into overjoy - I fear there is no other word for it! I cried for joy the three days prior to the wedding, almost the entire day of the wedding, and have been crying sporadically ever since.
How incredible it is that God grants us such a gift as to spend the rest of our lives with our best friend!
The reality is beginning to sink in for me. One month.
One month to finish preparing for a lifetime of preparation, of kingdom building. One month to move as much as possible north to the Fort, even though I can't come home often and gas prices are ridiculously high. One month to figure out insurance policies and whether or not we'll actually have someplace to live. One month to organize two persons' lives into one as much as possible.
One more month with my last name. One more month of sleeping and living alone. And one more month of saying "good night" and having it mean "goodbye."
How did we come down to merely one month? Wasn't it yesterday that it was November and December and we were just putting shape to our plans? How do we now have rings and vows and RSVPs and gifts arriving?
It is so surreal, yet so real all at the same time.
Christopher started packing in the last few days, and I just get so excited to think that I get to live with and serve with my best friend for as long as God wills us both to live. We get to celebrate with friends and family, and we get to set off on our own to make our own lives and decisions, and to seek God's will for our "family."
Which is such a strange word, but one that I am so grateful for its many meanings.
I have a family that I was born into. Mom, Dad, little brother, dogs, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...
But I also have families that I've gained: multiple church families, a high school family, a camp family, a college family...
And I'm about to gain Christopher's family as well.
It's so incredible to think that representatives from each of these family branches will be celebrating under the same roof with us in only a month. I used to get so excited for heaven simply because it meant they would all be together - how wonderful a foretaste this will be!
I don't know how I wound up 22, or getting married, or with a journalism degree, or stronger in my faith, or anything. I just know that I let go and God has swept me along to where He desires me to be in this moment.
It has not been and may not always be easy, but I don't think that ease truly plays any good role in life. It simply results in stagnant people. Change happens. We grow. We learn what it means to look a little more like Christ.
Being married apparently refines you. I look forward to that.
One month.
08 March 2007
There's only One...
I keep listening to "There's Only One (Holy One)" by Caedmon's Call. It is full of the simple truths that I so easily forget every day. I could try and describe the effect that this song has on me every time I hear it, but it wouldn't do it justice.
(Side note: Caedmon's is in the studio again... I think it's the follow-up to Share the Well, which is the album that this song comes from [which is one of the best albums of the past few years - honest])
Thus, here you go:
Left his seamless robe behind
Woke up in a stable crying
Lived and died and rose again
Savior for a guilty land
It's a story like a children's tune
And it's grown familiar as the moon
So now I ride my camel high
And I'm aiming for the needle's eye
I chased the wind, but I chased in vain
I chased the earth, but it would not sustain
There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
When all around my soul gives way
He is all my hope and stay
There's only one, only one Holy One
Lord, You are my Prince of Peace
But this war brings me to my knees
See there's a table You've prepared
And all my enemies are there
But where my Shepherd leads
Where else can I go
Who else fills my cup till it overflows
There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
When all around my soul gives way
He is all my hope and stay
There's only one, only one Holy One
There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
To the Solid Rock I fly
Though He bids me come and die
There's only one, only one Holy One
(Side note: Caedmon's is in the studio again... I think it's the follow-up to Share the Well, which is the album that this song comes from [which is one of the best albums of the past few years - honest])
Thus, here you go:
Left his seamless robe behind
Woke up in a stable crying
Lived and died and rose again
Savior for a guilty land
It's a story like a children's tune
And it's grown familiar as the moon
So now I ride my camel high
And I'm aiming for the needle's eye
I chased the wind, but I chased in vain
I chased the earth, but it would not sustain
There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
When all around my soul gives way
He is all my hope and stay
There's only one, only one Holy One
Lord, You are my Prince of Peace
But this war brings me to my knees
See there's a table You've prepared
And all my enemies are there
But where my Shepherd leads
Where else can I go
Who else fills my cup till it overflows
There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
When all around my soul gives way
He is all my hope and stay
There's only one, only one Holy One
There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
To the Solid Rock I fly
Though He bids me come and die
There's only one, only one Holy One
02 March 2007
On the ignorance of "breaking" news...
I have a new respect for the Associated Press.
Even ignoring Paris Hilton makes news
Ah... the sweetness of someone confirming what you knew all along. No one misses unimportant news when it isn't covered.
Oh, and I'm headed back to the Weekly next week, which is completely awesome. Seems like Greg has been irritating some people again - it just means working again will be all-the-more entertaining.
I get to sleep in my bed six out of seven nights a week again, work two days at the Weekly, work two days in Denver, have a day off, and *drum roll, please* not only keep my regular meetings but actually have time to spend with people that I love.
God is good. Now, let's just hope that all of this experience leads to a job that I actually want to do that actually pays... Oh, well. That belongs to God, too. :)
Mood: Pretty stinkin' excited Listening to: iPod on shuffle
Reading: Jon Krakauer, Under the Banner of Heaven
Even ignoring Paris Hilton makes news
Ah... the sweetness of someone confirming what you knew all along. No one misses unimportant news when it isn't covered.
Oh, and I'm headed back to the Weekly next week, which is completely awesome. Seems like Greg has been irritating some people again - it just means working again will be all-the-more entertaining.
I get to sleep in my bed six out of seven nights a week again, work two days at the Weekly, work two days in Denver, have a day off, and *drum roll, please* not only keep my regular meetings but actually have time to spend with people that I love.
God is good. Now, let's just hope that all of this experience leads to a job that I actually want to do that actually pays... Oh, well. That belongs to God, too. :)
Mood: Pretty stinkin' excited Listening to: iPod on shuffle
Reading: Jon Krakauer, Under the Banner of Heaven
27 February 2007
Veils
What will it take to be closer to You
Show me what stands in my way
Strip away all of the veils on my heart Lord
You know that I want just to look at Your face
What can I give as I lay at Your throne
Is there a song to be sung
Search me all over - my life is in Your hands
You know that I want to fall deeper in love with You
I’m following hard after You
Lord You’re all that I need in my life
Show me what I need to do
To bring joy to Your heart
And strip away all of the veils on my heart Lord
And know that I just want to look at Your face
O Jesus Your beautiful face
[[Jason Morant, "Veils" from Open]]
Show me what stands in my way
Strip away all of the veils on my heart Lord
You know that I want just to look at Your face
What can I give as I lay at Your throne
Is there a song to be sung
Search me all over - my life is in Your hands
You know that I want to fall deeper in love with You
I’m following hard after You
Lord You’re all that I need in my life
Show me what I need to do
To bring joy to Your heart
And strip away all of the veils on my heart Lord
And know that I just want to look at Your face
O Jesus Your beautiful face
[[Jason Morant, "Veils" from Open]]
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