Desire Defined

For much of the past months, I have battled with myself, struggling to put a finger on what it is that I am wanting in my daily relationship with Christ, but never willing to sit down and work through it - and so I continue in my old way of communion, and (while learning some) risk stagnancy because I dislike the thought of the change I so desperately yearn for.

But perhaps that battle is nearing its end as I have finally laid down my desires, my 'mission statement' (as I have my women do). The bigger battle is now at hand - striving to sit daily at Christ's feet in so many things.

I want to study more deeply what I believe, taking what has been beat into my brain with my three trips through The Truth Project, and delving to greater depths to look more closely at how I, a believer in Jesus Christ, am to view the world.

I want to be faithful in seeking to center my marriage with Christopher more closely around Christ and what it means to seek the kingdom of God with fervor and diligence as a married couple. This means that I must seek to understand what it means both to find my significance in Christ and to learn how to fully love, respect, and serve my husband.

I want to lead better, with greater love, conviction, and confidence.

I want simply to take a running start and dive into the Word of God.

I want to be better and more readily equipped to speak with those who are of different beliefs, not out of pride or any other fleshly aspect, but out of the compassion that comes as a response in seeing the lies to which so many are held captive.

I want to worship God in reverence, awe, joy, and fear - musically, but especially in prayer.

I want to cultivate an unquenchable habit of turning to God in prayer and of desiring simply to sit at my Father's feet.

I want to more regularly record what I am reading, learning, rejoicing in, etc., so that God's handiwork might become memorial stones.

I want to learn about and re-discover attributes of God's character and seek to see how different aspects of God's character affect either my response to Him or the reflection of His image that I am to demonstrate.

I want to listen to messages by other teachers so that I might garner wisdom from men to whom God has blessed with wisdom.

I want to daily seek to serve my husband, both in ways physical and through prayer - reminding myself that my spiritual health is now linked to his.

There are a few others that I recorded, though some are redundant and some are not quite related to this topic. Perhaps the list will continue to grow, perhaps not.

The battle rages. Pray that I might make it daily to the feet of Christ.

On Understanding the Spirit's Grief

There is no possible reason that I should still be awake. I'm here, in the middle of Montana (Belgrade, to be exact, which is just outside of Bozeman), in the middle of the night, when we will be getting up and packing up in about six hours, and I'm wide awake.

Maybe it's the five episodes of Scrubs... maybe not.

So I'm listening to my dear husband snore as he sleeps soundly after a day of skiing and tension, and I can't even begin to describe how blessed I am to be here, as difficult as it at times.

It's my first "time off" since we got married. Granted, that may not mean a lot to most people. Many people have nights and weekends to kick back and relax and process.

I feel like I haven't processed in months.

Every time I "get" to sit down, there is something else to think about, something else that grabs my attention or fuels my worries. The thank you notes from our wedding are still not done and, due to our packing mess, have gone MIA. We're moving the day after we get back from this trip to Montana (a day that I still have to work). We're never home on the weekends. I have band practice. I desire to meet more with the women on our team, but fail to have the time to show them how much they are loved.

Plus, there's the whole "being married" thing, which takes work and time - and is perhaps God's biggest blessing for my human existence outside of His grace covering my sin and His giving me life in the first place.

There is never enough time. I feel like a horrid wife, daughter, sister, friend, employee. I hate short conversations on the phone that really should last hours but end up being awkward because there are only a few minutes to spare, so I avoid them whenever possible. The people I love deserve so much more than that.

But instead, they get nothing.

I don't exercise. We rarely eat at home anymore. I haven't played guitar or piano (excluding band stuff) for months.

I am finally processing what God has been teaching me through this whole semester: the Spirit grieves.

Perhaps this seems most random to you - it would seem so to me if it came from any other source. But in the midst of learning that there is truth and there are lies, something has changed deep within me.

In the midst of my unfaithfulness in everyday life, God is still gracious, but the Spirit is grieved. I fail to image forth Christ in this. Even the very purpose for which I was created I cannot do as I ought.

But I am so very grateful that there is a God who is, who always has been, and who always will be completely and fully sovereign.

I am so very grateful that I do not have free will. I am overjoyed that I am under authority, that I am under a standard, that I am not my own - for all that I am has been crucified with Christ, that I might live anew in Him!

We saw "The Golden Compass" today. On movie criteria alone, it wasn't really good. It was a little convoluted and I had difficulty understanding how one scene went to the next (it went so fast!), and some things were never really made clear.

I wouldn't recommend it, and our children will never see it. If someone gives us a copy, I will burn it. Seriously.

But that isn't really the point. And I'm going to try to not rant as much as I really want to.

The point is that, as the Truth Project points out, we are in the midst of a battle of worldviews, and what the world tells us will be diametrically opposed to what Christ tells us.

The film, sadly, is not rooted in truth, but rather in what the world tells us. It begins on the premise that before anything known ever existed, there was "dust" - which also causes chaos and instability in people as they grow.

In the dimension of our world that we are shown in the story, people walk around with their souls, named "daemons" outside of their bodies. One of the main plots is that the institutional Majesterium is trying to find a way to separate people from their souls. And a battle of free will versus sovereignty begins.

There are several things that added up for me as I sat and viewed this "fantastical masterpiece": One underlying message is that "from dust we came" and "to dust we return." Another is that there is no sovereign being who should be able to control us - we should let our wild "daemons" run free in defiance of the institution. And yet a third is that we cannot know truth in and of ourselves - we need an outside force to tell us what is "true."

And the Spirit inside of me grieved.

We are made in the image of God. We are not dust, and men do not merely become dust when they die. They face judgement. Real judgement with a real authority who set a holy standard that we have failed to keep because we fell.

God is not responsible for our sin. And we deserve nothing. Absolutely nothing. He is not a tyrant who chooses some to go to hell and others to join Him in heaven. His desire is that none would perish - not a single one.

We violated His standard and yet, out of love, He has let us live and has provided a way of reconciliation to Him by the cross borne by Jesus Christ. This isn't a monarchy where peasants pay tribute in exchange for just treatment - we have nothing to even offer, and yet He has given us everything in Jesus Christ. Everything!

Without God, there exists no purpose - there is no reason for living! If it is dust that we come from, then we truly have no free will. All we are doing is simply the bidding of the universe - we are just part of a clockwork. (I'd explain this more, but it is one o'clock in the morning, after all). Why do we run from the thought that there is a sovereign Lord who keeps watch over us? Why do we fear not having our "independence"?

I am so grateful that I do not need to worry over myself. And there is no such thing as "free will" as we think we understand it. I don't think any of us would really like it that much if we really saw what that looked like.

For in possessing "freedom of the will" we suspect we will know true "freedom". I have known what it is like to live by "my own rules" and it's awful. I have known what it is to live by legalism and it's awful.

And I know what it is to live under grace, to live in responsibility over my own sin and understand the mercy that covers me in any good thing that comes forth from my being - and it is only there, in God's hands, that I have known true "liberty."

How sad it is that the third thing I realized is actually true, though strangely warped in this particular film.

We cannot know truth in and of ourselves. But neither can the "dust" be an honest agent of truth.

But the Spirit of Truth dwells in us. He testifies to the truth. When the truth is not spoken, He grieves.

Which is why I am not offended by the movie. Surprising, no?

But that's where the semester-long lesson comes in. I am not offended for the cross of Christ, but I am grieved at its slander.

Several times in the last few months, I have been afraid of sharing truth with women on my team and with others. Choosing to speak truth instead of trying to brush over things with "easy" answers has been a long and painful process that has resulted in many tears, but never offense. After the first few encounters, I began asking why I was not personally offended when fellow believers would get angry at me or rail on for an hour about their opinion on something or about how they were being treated.

And the answer came simply: it was not me that was offending. It was truth.

I can always stand on truth. Always.

It makes me bolder, something I have struggled with for years, and I can barely explain it except that there is a God, He is fully sovereign, and He came that the "truth might set us free."

How many times I have seen chains lifted this semester! How many times I have sung praise to God for what He is doing in so many lives by exposing them to truth!

We buy so many lies as a culture, myself included. It is easy to "just try to fit in" and go with the flow.

But we are called to so much more than that! We are called to stand firm on the truth and fight for it - not for ourselves or because God "needs" our help (never!), but because we are bearing the image of God and for that reason, we must reflect His truthful nature.

I am not ashamed to serve a sovereign God. He is good, and I would have it no other way.

There were certainly more thoughts about the film that I won't share. I've ranted enough for one evening (or morning).

If I haven't spoken to you recently, know that I love you and wish you a "Merry Christmas!" with the greatest enthusiasm. Perhaps I'll write more about the politics of Christmas (especially in Fort Collins) some other time. Until then, think on the depths of what it means that we celebrate Christmas-

God has given us a Savior! Oh, let us praise the Lord of Hosts! He is ever faithful and good.

I do suppose the time has come for me to now go to bed. And, so, I bid you 'Good night!'

Completion

I finished my prayer journal tonight, which I have been working through for more than two years. I felt compelled to post what I wrote as my finishing words.

***

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God.
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored.

When You call I won't refuse
Each new day again I'll choose.

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You're sovereign still.
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will.

When You call I won't delay
This my song for all my days.

There is no one else for me,
None but Jesus.
Crucified to set me free,
Now I live to bring Him praise.

All my delight is in You, Lord -
All of my hope, all of my strength.
All my delight is in You, Lord -
Forevermore.

[[Hillsong, "None But Jesus"]]


My Precious Savior,

As I have sought to wrap my mind around the events of the past few days, I can't help but have this song run through my mind.

In chaos of circumstance, You are so supremely sovereign. I find that the attribute I fell in love with when I began college continues to deepen as I tread further into it.

In my moments of weakness, You provide such wonderful graces for me. I find I am ever less deserving of the mercy with which You cover me.

All of my delight is to be in You, the all-sovereign, merciful God of all - who took our punishment in order to justly fulfill His own law.

There should be no greater joy and no greater light in my eyes than when it is of You I am speaking.

How fitting that this volume should both begin and end with a death. It is amazing to me that I mark life with deaths around me.

Lord, I praise You for the life and legacy of Grandpa Harry. I praise You for His daily faith that defined His life and was so contagious.

And, Lord, I praise You for the life and faith of Grandpa Fred. Although he wasted many years in irritation, I praise You for the changes made in him that helped show me how powerfully You transform lives.

Most of all, Lord, I praise You for where they are both at this moment - in Your presence and finally understanding each other as the brothers they were created to be.

Soli Deo Gloria.

***

There is no greater loss, my friends. Nothing even comes close.

When there is no safe place to begin...

...You just have to start.

So, I got married. I had a wonderful time with family and friends celebrating under one roof with Christopher and me. We dropped off of the face of the state for a week and went to Tahoe while it was burning, where we had a lot of fun.

[[Just so you know, I love being married, and think that it is one of the most incredible things God has given us while we are here on this earth. Marriage is such an instructor in how our relationship to God should really look, and I fall so grievously short. The best part of the whole thing is that I am married to Christopher, who is my best friend. I am so graciously blessed. But I digress...]]

Then, we came back to Colorado, moved into our apartment, went back to work, and have been working ever since - though things have recently gotten more interesting.

The Rock is changing. Not a bad thing at all. It causes us all to lean more fully on Christ and to apply the buzzphrase in our circles these days - "fresh faith".

But the Rock split into two parts: the on-campus teams and the off-campus, working singles. Teams got reorganized. Teams merged before multiplying. Some teams split between on- and off-campus. Complete confusion ensued until things got sorted out.

In the clearing fog, however, Chris and I have taken over our beloved team of brothers and sisters, who are now few but still strong (if not stronger) after the summer paths that God took them each down. We returned sober-minded but ready to go.

We hit the dorms hard the first few weeks and tried to be encouraged with the small batch of fruit that emerged (which we truly have been encouraged by recently). Unfortunately, this is the hardest year I've ever experienced in the dorms, merely looking at people's willingness to go out and do something fun - much less something 'religious' or 'spiritual'.

Each week, we feel like we're just learning as we go, looking to coaches and our team members for encouragement. There seem to be so many things that I have learned in the last week alone, yet I feel as though I have failed to have time to process them. God is so good. God is so faithful.

And in every little thing.

I have been working on an amazingly long post about things that I learned this summer, but I am not sure when (if ever) it will be finished, so I figured I should just write something else in the meantime.

Last night, we listened to Pat Sokoll's message entitled, "Discipleship" at our leadership training time. Having never heard it before but having heard a lot about it, I was eager to listen. There are so many things that stood out, but here are the main two:

1) I have no rights. I own nothing. I am not entitled to any thing.

2) We multiply after our own kind, both the good and the bad.

The second has been such an eye-opener over the past week anyway. We cannot reproduce that which we are not. If I want the women I disciple to read their Bibles daily and seek out God and dive deep into the richness of His Word, than I must do (and exhibit) the same. If I want them to serve others or share the Gospel boldly, then I must do the same.

And, honestly, I've been taking some serious stock of the traits that I do not want to multiply into these women. I don't want them to catch my laziness or my desire to go home and take a nap. I don't want them to learn how to be apathetic from me. I don't want them to learn how to withdraw from a group and decide they don't 'need' the fellowship.

Obviously, not everything can be changed overnight. I am still a work in progress.

But unless I show these women that I am changing, that I am being molded into Christ's likeness, then how am I to expect that they will go forth and do so? I must be working on the board in my own eye (Luke 6) so that I can assist my sisters with the specks in their own. I cannot expect them to grow if I am not putting forth the effort to do so myself.

Please understand that I am not saying that my salvation rests upon my efforts to make myself more Christ-like. I have no more ability to do that than I do of counting the stars in the skies that remind us of the promises God made to Abraham.

We are still called to action, however. We are still called to obedience. I am not called to be stagnant. I am not called to be lazy. I am not called to live outside of fellowship. I am not called to be apathetic.

I am called to serve. I am not my own.

Mood: Scattered Listening to: People yelling in the street outside
Reading: Madeleine L'Engle, Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art

The sneaking of days...

I'm not quite sure how I got to this point, but I'm getting married in what is now less than a week. This thing that has been so far off for the past year and a half is finally going to happen. I get so overwhelmed by emotion sometimes.

But it's been such an encouragement to see where I've been growing in the past few months. There are changes that I'm finally seeing in myself that I never thought would be possible, but that I prayed for anyway.

For one, I am becoming more bold. There's something that happens when you have to take ownership over your life. There's a process of growing up that takes away some of the "bashfulness," as Rick Whitney put it at the Rock Friday night. There's such a freedom when you begin to come to the realization that God is the source of everything you have and is your only true authority.

But it's more than being bold. I truly believe that being bold is rooted firmly in self-worth and confidence, based on who I am in relation to Christ. Ironically, boldness and confidence are found in humility. It was so strange to stand on stage last night at the Rock and lead worship with a brother and a sister, and feel fully at ease, yet fully in the presence of God. I didn't shake nervously during soundcheck or during the first few songs. The only time I began shaking was when I realized I wasn't!

I am such a long way from where I was four or five years ago, where I would shake out of nervousness, but truly only out of pride - not out of fear or reverence for the One who has given me talents to use for His glory. How gracious our God is!

I do not spend time with the Father in the same ways that I used to. I am sorely lacking in discipline these days, partially due to the long list I am constantly whittling away at for the wedding, partially due to exhaustion, and partially due to laziness. But tonight, I am off to calm my racing mind at my Savior's feet, where the whole of my being so longs to fall. Perhaps I'll even write something.

There is so much to be said for discipline, for showing up every day ready to work for the kingdom. I am so often unprepared. Tomorrow will be different.

Mood: Simply Tired Listening to: Last Summer's Demos
Reading: Not Nearly Enough