On Understanding the Spirit's Grief

There is no possible reason that I should still be awake. I'm here, in the middle of Montana (Belgrade, to be exact, which is just outside of Bozeman), in the middle of the night, when we will be getting up and packing up in about six hours, and I'm wide awake.

Maybe it's the five episodes of Scrubs... maybe not.

So I'm listening to my dear husband snore as he sleeps soundly after a day of skiing and tension, and I can't even begin to describe how blessed I am to be here, as difficult as it at times.

It's my first "time off" since we got married. Granted, that may not mean a lot to most people. Many people have nights and weekends to kick back and relax and process.

I feel like I haven't processed in months.

Every time I "get" to sit down, there is something else to think about, something else that grabs my attention or fuels my worries. The thank you notes from our wedding are still not done and, due to our packing mess, have gone MIA. We're moving the day after we get back from this trip to Montana (a day that I still have to work). We're never home on the weekends. I have band practice. I desire to meet more with the women on our team, but fail to have the time to show them how much they are loved.

Plus, there's the whole "being married" thing, which takes work and time - and is perhaps God's biggest blessing for my human existence outside of His grace covering my sin and His giving me life in the first place.

There is never enough time. I feel like a horrid wife, daughter, sister, friend, employee. I hate short conversations on the phone that really should last hours but end up being awkward because there are only a few minutes to spare, so I avoid them whenever possible. The people I love deserve so much more than that.

But instead, they get nothing.

I don't exercise. We rarely eat at home anymore. I haven't played guitar or piano (excluding band stuff) for months.

I am finally processing what God has been teaching me through this whole semester: the Spirit grieves.

Perhaps this seems most random to you - it would seem so to me if it came from any other source. But in the midst of learning that there is truth and there are lies, something has changed deep within me.

In the midst of my unfaithfulness in everyday life, God is still gracious, but the Spirit is grieved. I fail to image forth Christ in this. Even the very purpose for which I was created I cannot do as I ought.

But I am so very grateful that there is a God who is, who always has been, and who always will be completely and fully sovereign.

I am so very grateful that I do not have free will. I am overjoyed that I am under authority, that I am under a standard, that I am not my own - for all that I am has been crucified with Christ, that I might live anew in Him!

We saw "The Golden Compass" today. On movie criteria alone, it wasn't really good. It was a little convoluted and I had difficulty understanding how one scene went to the next (it went so fast!), and some things were never really made clear.

I wouldn't recommend it, and our children will never see it. If someone gives us a copy, I will burn it. Seriously.

But that isn't really the point. And I'm going to try to not rant as much as I really want to.

The point is that, as the Truth Project points out, we are in the midst of a battle of worldviews, and what the world tells us will be diametrically opposed to what Christ tells us.

The film, sadly, is not rooted in truth, but rather in what the world tells us. It begins on the premise that before anything known ever existed, there was "dust" - which also causes chaos and instability in people as they grow.

In the dimension of our world that we are shown in the story, people walk around with their souls, named "daemons" outside of their bodies. One of the main plots is that the institutional Majesterium is trying to find a way to separate people from their souls. And a battle of free will versus sovereignty begins.

There are several things that added up for me as I sat and viewed this "fantastical masterpiece": One underlying message is that "from dust we came" and "to dust we return." Another is that there is no sovereign being who should be able to control us - we should let our wild "daemons" run free in defiance of the institution. And yet a third is that we cannot know truth in and of ourselves - we need an outside force to tell us what is "true."

And the Spirit inside of me grieved.

We are made in the image of God. We are not dust, and men do not merely become dust when they die. They face judgement. Real judgement with a real authority who set a holy standard that we have failed to keep because we fell.

God is not responsible for our sin. And we deserve nothing. Absolutely nothing. He is not a tyrant who chooses some to go to hell and others to join Him in heaven. His desire is that none would perish - not a single one.

We violated His standard and yet, out of love, He has let us live and has provided a way of reconciliation to Him by the cross borne by Jesus Christ. This isn't a monarchy where peasants pay tribute in exchange for just treatment - we have nothing to even offer, and yet He has given us everything in Jesus Christ. Everything!

Without God, there exists no purpose - there is no reason for living! If it is dust that we come from, then we truly have no free will. All we are doing is simply the bidding of the universe - we are just part of a clockwork. (I'd explain this more, but it is one o'clock in the morning, after all). Why do we run from the thought that there is a sovereign Lord who keeps watch over us? Why do we fear not having our "independence"?

I am so grateful that I do not need to worry over myself. And there is no such thing as "free will" as we think we understand it. I don't think any of us would really like it that much if we really saw what that looked like.

For in possessing "freedom of the will" we suspect we will know true "freedom". I have known what it is like to live by "my own rules" and it's awful. I have known what it is to live by legalism and it's awful.

And I know what it is to live under grace, to live in responsibility over my own sin and understand the mercy that covers me in any good thing that comes forth from my being - and it is only there, in God's hands, that I have known true "liberty."

How sad it is that the third thing I realized is actually true, though strangely warped in this particular film.

We cannot know truth in and of ourselves. But neither can the "dust" be an honest agent of truth.

But the Spirit of Truth dwells in us. He testifies to the truth. When the truth is not spoken, He grieves.

Which is why I am not offended by the movie. Surprising, no?

But that's where the semester-long lesson comes in. I am not offended for the cross of Christ, but I am grieved at its slander.

Several times in the last few months, I have been afraid of sharing truth with women on my team and with others. Choosing to speak truth instead of trying to brush over things with "easy" answers has been a long and painful process that has resulted in many tears, but never offense. After the first few encounters, I began asking why I was not personally offended when fellow believers would get angry at me or rail on for an hour about their opinion on something or about how they were being treated.

And the answer came simply: it was not me that was offending. It was truth.

I can always stand on truth. Always.

It makes me bolder, something I have struggled with for years, and I can barely explain it except that there is a God, He is fully sovereign, and He came that the "truth might set us free."

How many times I have seen chains lifted this semester! How many times I have sung praise to God for what He is doing in so many lives by exposing them to truth!

We buy so many lies as a culture, myself included. It is easy to "just try to fit in" and go with the flow.

But we are called to so much more than that! We are called to stand firm on the truth and fight for it - not for ourselves or because God "needs" our help (never!), but because we are bearing the image of God and for that reason, we must reflect His truthful nature.

I am not ashamed to serve a sovereign God. He is good, and I would have it no other way.

There were certainly more thoughts about the film that I won't share. I've ranted enough for one evening (or morning).

If I haven't spoken to you recently, know that I love you and wish you a "Merry Christmas!" with the greatest enthusiasm. Perhaps I'll write more about the politics of Christmas (especially in Fort Collins) some other time. Until then, think on the depths of what it means that we celebrate Christmas-

God has given us a Savior! Oh, let us praise the Lord of Hosts! He is ever faithful and good.

I do suppose the time has come for me to now go to bed. And, so, I bid you 'Good night!'

Completion

I finished my prayer journal tonight, which I have been working through for more than two years. I felt compelled to post what I wrote as my finishing words.

***

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God.
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored.

When You call I won't refuse
Each new day again I'll choose.

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You're sovereign still.
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will.

When You call I won't delay
This my song for all my days.

There is no one else for me,
None but Jesus.
Crucified to set me free,
Now I live to bring Him praise.

All my delight is in You, Lord -
All of my hope, all of my strength.
All my delight is in You, Lord -
Forevermore.

[[Hillsong, "None But Jesus"]]


My Precious Savior,

As I have sought to wrap my mind around the events of the past few days, I can't help but have this song run through my mind.

In chaos of circumstance, You are so supremely sovereign. I find that the attribute I fell in love with when I began college continues to deepen as I tread further into it.

In my moments of weakness, You provide such wonderful graces for me. I find I am ever less deserving of the mercy with which You cover me.

All of my delight is to be in You, the all-sovereign, merciful God of all - who took our punishment in order to justly fulfill His own law.

There should be no greater joy and no greater light in my eyes than when it is of You I am speaking.

How fitting that this volume should both begin and end with a death. It is amazing to me that I mark life with deaths around me.

Lord, I praise You for the life and legacy of Grandpa Harry. I praise You for His daily faith that defined His life and was so contagious.

And, Lord, I praise You for the life and faith of Grandpa Fred. Although he wasted many years in irritation, I praise You for the changes made in him that helped show me how powerfully You transform lives.

Most of all, Lord, I praise You for where they are both at this moment - in Your presence and finally understanding each other as the brothers they were created to be.

Soli Deo Gloria.

***

There is no greater loss, my friends. Nothing even comes close.

When there is no safe place to begin...

...You just have to start.

So, I got married. I had a wonderful time with family and friends celebrating under one roof with Christopher and me. We dropped off of the face of the state for a week and went to Tahoe while it was burning, where we had a lot of fun.

[[Just so you know, I love being married, and think that it is one of the most incredible things God has given us while we are here on this earth. Marriage is such an instructor in how our relationship to God should really look, and I fall so grievously short. The best part of the whole thing is that I am married to Christopher, who is my best friend. I am so graciously blessed. But I digress...]]

Then, we came back to Colorado, moved into our apartment, went back to work, and have been working ever since - though things have recently gotten more interesting.

The Rock is changing. Not a bad thing at all. It causes us all to lean more fully on Christ and to apply the buzzphrase in our circles these days - "fresh faith".

But the Rock split into two parts: the on-campus teams and the off-campus, working singles. Teams got reorganized. Teams merged before multiplying. Some teams split between on- and off-campus. Complete confusion ensued until things got sorted out.

In the clearing fog, however, Chris and I have taken over our beloved team of brothers and sisters, who are now few but still strong (if not stronger) after the summer paths that God took them each down. We returned sober-minded but ready to go.

We hit the dorms hard the first few weeks and tried to be encouraged with the small batch of fruit that emerged (which we truly have been encouraged by recently). Unfortunately, this is the hardest year I've ever experienced in the dorms, merely looking at people's willingness to go out and do something fun - much less something 'religious' or 'spiritual'.

Each week, we feel like we're just learning as we go, looking to coaches and our team members for encouragement. There seem to be so many things that I have learned in the last week alone, yet I feel as though I have failed to have time to process them. God is so good. God is so faithful.

And in every little thing.

I have been working on an amazingly long post about things that I learned this summer, but I am not sure when (if ever) it will be finished, so I figured I should just write something else in the meantime.

Last night, we listened to Pat Sokoll's message entitled, "Discipleship" at our leadership training time. Having never heard it before but having heard a lot about it, I was eager to listen. There are so many things that stood out, but here are the main two:

1) I have no rights. I own nothing. I am not entitled to any thing.

2) We multiply after our own kind, both the good and the bad.

The second has been such an eye-opener over the past week anyway. We cannot reproduce that which we are not. If I want the women I disciple to read their Bibles daily and seek out God and dive deep into the richness of His Word, than I must do (and exhibit) the same. If I want them to serve others or share the Gospel boldly, then I must do the same.

And, honestly, I've been taking some serious stock of the traits that I do not want to multiply into these women. I don't want them to catch my laziness or my desire to go home and take a nap. I don't want them to learn how to be apathetic from me. I don't want them to learn how to withdraw from a group and decide they don't 'need' the fellowship.

Obviously, not everything can be changed overnight. I am still a work in progress.

But unless I show these women that I am changing, that I am being molded into Christ's likeness, then how am I to expect that they will go forth and do so? I must be working on the board in my own eye (Luke 6) so that I can assist my sisters with the specks in their own. I cannot expect them to grow if I am not putting forth the effort to do so myself.

Please understand that I am not saying that my salvation rests upon my efforts to make myself more Christ-like. I have no more ability to do that than I do of counting the stars in the skies that remind us of the promises God made to Abraham.

We are still called to action, however. We are still called to obedience. I am not called to be stagnant. I am not called to be lazy. I am not called to live outside of fellowship. I am not called to be apathetic.

I am called to serve. I am not my own.

Mood: Scattered Listening to: People yelling in the street outside
Reading: Madeleine L'Engle, Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art

The sneaking of days...

I'm not quite sure how I got to this point, but I'm getting married in what is now less than a week. This thing that has been so far off for the past year and a half is finally going to happen. I get so overwhelmed by emotion sometimes.

But it's been such an encouragement to see where I've been growing in the past few months. There are changes that I'm finally seeing in myself that I never thought would be possible, but that I prayed for anyway.

For one, I am becoming more bold. There's something that happens when you have to take ownership over your life. There's a process of growing up that takes away some of the "bashfulness," as Rick Whitney put it at the Rock Friday night. There's such a freedom when you begin to come to the realization that God is the source of everything you have and is your only true authority.

But it's more than being bold. I truly believe that being bold is rooted firmly in self-worth and confidence, based on who I am in relation to Christ. Ironically, boldness and confidence are found in humility. It was so strange to stand on stage last night at the Rock and lead worship with a brother and a sister, and feel fully at ease, yet fully in the presence of God. I didn't shake nervously during soundcheck or during the first few songs. The only time I began shaking was when I realized I wasn't!

I am such a long way from where I was four or five years ago, where I would shake out of nervousness, but truly only out of pride - not out of fear or reverence for the One who has given me talents to use for His glory. How gracious our God is!

I do not spend time with the Father in the same ways that I used to. I am sorely lacking in discipline these days, partially due to the long list I am constantly whittling away at for the wedding, partially due to exhaustion, and partially due to laziness. But tonight, I am off to calm my racing mind at my Savior's feet, where the whole of my being so longs to fall. Perhaps I'll even write something.

There is so much to be said for discipline, for showing up every day ready to work for the kingdom. I am so often unprepared. Tomorrow will be different.

Mood: Simply Tired Listening to: Last Summer's Demos
Reading: Not Nearly Enough

One Month

It's amazing to me how time just seems to fly right past and that, once it picks up, it doesn't let you back down. The past six months have been a whirlwind of planning and preparation, searching and staying. I've become engaged, graduated, moved out, commuted to work, gone to work for a church, been sick countless times, slept little, loved a lot of people, spent a lot of time with my parents, and begun to realize what it's like to not only be post-high school, but post-college as well.

Sometimes, it's incredibly hard. For instance, there are times when I talk to my brother on the phone and I just wish we were still in high school and living in both the same house and the same state. There are times when I get so frustrated because my mom doesn't grasp the fact that my life exists apart from her and not everything can get done within her timeframe. There are times when I'd love to just curl up on the couch and listen to my dad as he plays and writes music.

But it's so incredibly rewarding and worthwhile. Certainly, I have cried my share of tears, but so many of them have been tears of overwhelming joy.

I've gotten to know the beautiful woman that my brother loves. I've seen the girls on our team open and flourish and grow so much in their faith in the Lord. I've re-opened a relationship with a friend from middle school. I've known the freedom and excitement of worshipping with a band behind me. I've healed. I've become a little more confident. I've seen a front-page byline at a newspaper with my name on it.

And, in one month, I get to marry my best friend - perhaps the cause of the most joy and excitement.

In the midst of all of this, however, I have found it hard to write. There are times when I find it difficult to process my circumstances without writing. Perhaps this season has even been one of those times. I simply felt incapable of writing, of trying to put down all that has been going on both within me and outside of me.

Last weekend, I watched two of our closest friends marry each other. They were so excited that they fidgeted through the ceremony and cried during their vows. That swept me into overjoy - I fear there is no other word for it! I cried for joy the three days prior to the wedding, almost the entire day of the wedding, and have been crying sporadically ever since.

How incredible it is that God grants us such a gift as to spend the rest of our lives with our best friend!

The reality is beginning to sink in for me. One month.

One month to finish preparing for a lifetime of preparation, of kingdom building. One month to move as much as possible north to the Fort, even though I can't come home often and gas prices are ridiculously high. One month to figure out insurance policies and whether or not we'll actually have someplace to live. One month to organize two persons' lives into one as much as possible.

One more month with my last name. One more month of sleeping and living alone. And one more month of saying "good night" and having it mean "goodbye."

How did we come down to merely one month? Wasn't it yesterday that it was November and December and we were just putting shape to our plans? How do we now have rings and vows and RSVPs and gifts arriving?

It is so surreal, yet so real all at the same time.

Christopher started packing in the last few days, and I just get so excited to think that I get to live with and serve with my best friend for as long as God wills us both to live. We get to celebrate with friends and family, and we get to set off on our own to make our own lives and decisions, and to seek God's will for our "family."

Which is such a strange word, but one that I am so grateful for its many meanings.

I have a family that I was born into. Mom, Dad, little brother, dogs, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...

But I also have families that I've gained: multiple church families, a high school family, a camp family, a college family...

And I'm about to gain Christopher's family as well.

It's so incredible to think that representatives from each of these family branches will be celebrating under the same roof with us in only a month. I used to get so excited for heaven simply because it meant they would all be together - how wonderful a foretaste this will be!

I don't know how I wound up 22, or getting married, or with a journalism degree, or stronger in my faith, or anything. I just know that I let go and God has swept me along to where He desires me to be in this moment.

It has not been and may not always be easy, but I don't think that ease truly plays any good role in life. It simply results in stagnant people. Change happens. We grow. We learn what it means to look a little more like Christ.

Being married apparently refines you. I look forward to that.

One month.

There's only One...

I keep listening to "There's Only One (Holy One)" by Caedmon's Call. It is full of the simple truths that I so easily forget every day. I could try and describe the effect that this song has on me every time I hear it, but it wouldn't do it justice.

(Side note: Caedmon's is in the studio again... I think it's the follow-up to Share the Well, which is the album that this song comes from [which is one of the best albums of the past few years - honest])

Thus, here you go:

Left his seamless robe behind
Woke up in a stable crying
Lived and died and rose again
Savior for a guilty land

It's a story like a children's tune
And it's grown familiar as the moon
So now I ride my camel high
And I'm aiming for the needle's eye

I chased the wind, but I chased in vain
I chased the earth, but it would not sustain

There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
When all around my soul gives way
He is all my hope and stay
There's only one, only one Holy One

Lord, You are my Prince of Peace
But this war brings me to my knees
See there's a table You've prepared
And all my enemies are there
But where my Shepherd leads
Where else can I go
Who else fills my cup till it overflows

There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
When all around my soul gives way
He is all my hope and stay
There's only one, only one Holy One

There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
To the Solid Rock I fly
Though He bids me come and die
There's only one, only one Holy One

On the ignorance of "breaking" news...

I have a new respect for the Associated Press.

Even ignoring Paris Hilton makes news

Ah... the sweetness of someone confirming what you knew all along. No one misses unimportant news when it isn't covered.

Oh, and I'm headed back to the Weekly next week, which is completely awesome. Seems like Greg has been irritating some people again - it just means working again will be all-the-more entertaining.

I get to sleep in my bed six out of seven nights a week again, work two days at the Weekly, work two days in Denver, have a day off, and *drum roll, please* not only keep my regular meetings but actually have time to spend with people that I love.

God is good. Now, let's just hope that all of this experience leads to a job that I actually want to do that actually pays... Oh, well. That belongs to God, too. :)

Mood: Pretty stinkin' excited Listening to: iPod on shuffle
Reading: Jon Krakauer, Under the Banner of Heaven

Veils

What will it take to be closer to You
Show me what stands in my way
Strip away all of the veils on my heart Lord
You know that I want just to look at Your face

What can I give as I lay at Your throne
Is there a song to be sung
Search me all over - my life is in Your hands
You know that I want to fall deeper in love with You

I’m following hard after You
Lord You’re all that I need in my life
Show me what I need to do
To bring joy to Your heart

And strip away all of the veils on my heart Lord
And know that I just want to look at Your face
O Jesus Your beautiful face

[[Jason Morant, "Veils" from Open]]

Afternoon Ramblings

I finally switched over to the new version of Blogger after finally having the time to read the latest Blogger/Google TOS agreement and discover that what had been told to me about my intellectual property rights (that Google owned whatever I posted) was false. I feel comfortable with this decision, though I still argue that Google is taking over the world and I don't appreciate it.

Anyway, I'm currently in the middle of entering information about prospective families for kids who are waiting to be adopted. I never before knew the scale or scope of adoptive needs within our state or our nation. It's incredible! There are so many kids who are waiting to be adopted, who have all sorts of issues because 1) they were abandoned, neglected or abused to begin with and because 2) they desire a family and the system takes so long that they lose faith in their prospects of finding a family.

When did we become a society that abandons its children? When did we become selfish enough that we thought our pleasure in abusing our own children took preference over their well-being? Who in the world beats, sexually or verbally assaults, or neglects their own children? Who are we as a nation when we can't even take our eyes off of ourselves long enough to see our own children and their needs?

This is one reason why I can't work this job forever: I get too emotional when I think of all the kids and prospective families and the average time for adoptions to go through and all of the different types of therapy they are undergoing in the meantime (and possibly for the rest of their lives). The people who do this day-in and day-out have my sincerest admiration - they have more emotional gumption than I think I will ever be in possession of.

We were talking the other night at the Student Voice meeting about how sin should make us sick - how we should weep and grieve over it. In the past few weeks, I have moved toward knowing that more acutely than I ever did before, with both my own sin and seeing what the sins of one generation can mean for the next.

In our culture, we have developed a widening dichotomy for this generation. On the one hand, as news outlets are reporting today, this generation of college students is more narcissitic than any other that has come before - they are self-aware and self-righteous and think they are untouchable. On the other hand, we have a generation that has grown up being neglected and abused, drenched in mental health therapy and struggling to develop some sort of positive image of themselves.

Somewhere along the line, our culture began seeing a person's worth as something that is acquired - not as something that is intrinsic. Our culture says that we have worth when we're physically beautiful, healthy and capable of some form of success (whether fame or monitary).

We have lost the fact that we have intrinsic, in-born worth simply because we are made in God's image.

We are made in God's own image! Why doesn't that blow our minds? Why do we not see the child with Down Syndrome or Epilepsy (as a recent New York Times article read) as something to allow out into the open, not as something in which to find shame or ambarrassment? As something of worth, even to society, as a teacher and reminder of what is important, of what is simple enough to actually enjoy?

There is good in store when we place our hope and trust in the Lord. Good. Surely, it may not always appear that way at first - when our hearts are breaking over some guy or girl, or when a family member dies, or when you can't (for the life of you) find a job - but God has good in store for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.

Good.

What a strange thought that I have been trying to digest over the past few days - many of our distresses in life are caused by the fact that we do not trust God to bring us good out of situations we automatically label as dire and nigh impossible to live through.

We must trust that He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son that He loves, and that that action has purchased God's favor toward us - that we are being refined and made perfect and more like His beloved Son, Jesus Christ. We must trust that!

No father, when his child asks for a fish, will give his child a scorpion - so why do we expect that God, who is a perfect father, would ever give us anything less? Everything He allows to be sent our way is for our good and, more important, for His glory.

So, I wonder, can we strive to take what we're given and return to God His glory with it? I pray that it would be our sincerest desire and at the forefront of our every thought.

Hosanna Filio David
Hosanna in altisimis

Mood: Discombobulated Listening to: downhere, iPod shuffle
Reading: Warren Wiersbe, Be Heroic

The Remedy?

I keep jumping online at random times and attempting to start writing some sort of coherent thoughts down, but I'm afraid I come up empty every time.

The past few weeks have been different, to say the least. For the last week and a half, I have been commuting to Denver to work a temporary position in hopes of paying for rent this month without dipping more into my savings. The extra time spent driving every day (at least three hours) plus the lack of full nights' sleep have become disastrous on a few occasions, simply because I don't have enough time when I am at home in the Fort and I'm exhausted so often that it results in tensions and misunderstandings and all sorts of strange stuff.

And, to be honest, I've just had a hard time with all of it. It's hard to be away from Christopher - who I am coming to see more and more as my family; I miss my "family" - I haven't been able to keep up meetings during the week with the beautiful women that do so much to encourage and challenge me; and I miss working at the Weekly - the one thing that I loved so far in this strange, crazy season.

The strangest thing, though, I think, has just been a spiritual exhaustion - it comes from knowing that I have been trusting in my own ability to keep myself on track and knowing that I need to lean more on the God who loves me and controls my every moment and desires to give good things to His children...

But I'm having the hardest time in trusting Him for a job. Despite how wonderful it would be, Chris and I can't live on love - and if it is God's design (for now) that we let Him provide for us by my working, I have a hard time accepting the fact that I can't seem to find something that I want to actually do, much less a permanent position that will let me do so.

God is still forever faithful, though - and so good! I've heard so many incredible messages lately, and I've been reminded of how much I love digging into Scripture and the original languages and listening to worship music (I can't seem to get enough of Jason Morant's Open). I feel as though I keep failing and He just keeps blessing me with the time and energy that I need to get things done. If only I knew better how to find my rest in Him...

Lately, I've tried to rediscover my passion for reading and it's been such a wonderful thing, though I wish I had more time to do it. I just finished the first of many books I checked out from the library, an expanded version of Madeleine L'Engle's journals which made me think from the first page to the last (she is so well-read and insightful, though her religious views often seem somewhat skewed, though I cannot judge). And this other book that I've been digesting is one that I can only read during daylight hours (and those are severely limited), but it makes me so grateful for my salvation and so heart-broken over how so many people are led so far astray into corrupt and abusive religious systems.

Still in the future lie German, L'Engle - Round Two, a fat book on Christianity and the rest of Krakauer. Before then, however, I'm afraid I must whisk myself away to my room in order to rest myself before my freakishly long day tomorrow. I just pray that God will provide all the energy that I need to finish everything that I must. How wonderful to know that He is faithful!

Ah, goodnight! 'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus - oh, for the grace to trust Him more! (I do suppose that is the "remedy.")

Mood: Sleepy Listening to: My parents talking
Reading: Madeleine L'Engle, A Circle of Quiet

The world is weird

I know. Big shocker...

But, seriously. when you spend two and a half hours of your day looking at headlines and trying to determine what is important enough to be placed in next week's issue, you see a lot of strange stuff.

Like, check this out:
A woman with a 93-pound ovarian cyst.
A 14.5-pound baby in Mexico.
An elderly woman who kept 11 fully grown swans in her 270-sq-ft apartment since 2001.
A lawmaker in Texas who is pushing for a bill that will make parents missing scheduled parent-teacher conferences a misdemeanor and assess a fine for doing so.

I laugh every time I sit down to read the news. Not to mention all the celebrity gossip. Who cares if someone is really ready to have kids? Do we only care because they're willing to sacrifice their amazing figures to do so?

Goodness gracious me. What a strange world.

And it's supposed to snow again. And it's freezing outside. And I have to walk to my car.

Oh well... God is still faithful and still has purpose for me. I'm so grateful that someone does.

Mood: Sleepy Reading: Jon Krakauer, Under the Banner of Heaven
Listening to: Whatever is playing off of Greg's computer

I now have all the time in the world...

...but it's still not enough.

No, I'm not dead. I just don't have an Internet connection unless I leave my house and venture to one of this city's libraries. And the usual long list of things to do when online usually keeps me from having time to write here on my ol' blog.

I'm doing well. Fort Collins is a great city and I love living here. I just wish I could find a job (still looking, no luck so far with paying positions). Currently, I'm interning at the Fort Collins Weekly 6-7 hours each week, which is wonderfully fun but, unfortunately, doesn't pay me in anything other than experience. Experience is good though.

It is still strange to not be taking classes. I'm on campus a few times a week (to use the library's Internet, of course) and I find myself completely mind-boggled at the fact I don't actually go to school here anymore. So very strange.

Wedding stuff is coming along. Christopher and I got a lot of stuff done over break and I'm supposed to be working on the rest of it, but I can't find the motivation to do so. The fact that the big event is still 4.5+ months away isn't good enough motivation. I want time to go by faster. I want a job. Something else to do besides miniscule planning. Oh well. God knows best. I just need to focus on getting some of this stuff done.

Life is good, though. I'm enjoying being independent for the first time in my life. My room is small (10x7.5ft), but just big enough to be cozy. I'm enjoying my roommates and the cat (who has managed to figure out that if he hurls himself at my door enough times, he can get into my room). I'm enjoying the Weekly and my bus trips to campus to use the Internet. I'm enjoying eating my own food and spending time with the guys at their house. It is somewhat strange, though, as everything is merely a transition and, come June, everything will change again (albeit permanently). I'm looking forward to June, which is why I think I'm not fully enjoying this stage of life - simply because it is a transition and I so desire the transition to be over and done with.

But, again, God knows what He's doing and I can rest in that. Now, I must respond to some e-mails and then catch the bus with Christopher. All the time in the world...

Mood: Contemplative Reading: Jon Krakauer, Under the Banner of Heaven
Listening to: Switchfoot, Oh! Gravity.