27 February 2007


What will it take to be closer to You
Show me what stands in my way
Strip away all of the veils on my heart Lord
You know that I want just to look at Your face

What can I give as I lay at Your throne
Is there a song to be sung
Search me all over - my life is in Your hands
You know that I want to fall deeper in love with You

I’m following hard after You
Lord You’re all that I need in my life
Show me what I need to do
To bring joy to Your heart

And strip away all of the veils on my heart Lord
And know that I just want to look at Your face
O Jesus Your beautiful face

[[Jason Morant, "Veils" from Open]]

Afternoon Ramblings

I finally switched over to the new version of Blogger after finally having the time to read the latest Blogger/Google TOS agreement and discover that what had been told to me about my intellectual property rights (that Google owned whatever I posted) was false. I feel comfortable with this decision, though I still argue that Google is taking over the world and I don't appreciate it.

Anyway, I'm currently in the middle of entering information about prospective families for kids who are waiting to be adopted. I never before knew the scale or scope of adoptive needs within our state or our nation. It's incredible! There are so many kids who are waiting to be adopted, who have all sorts of issues because 1) they were abandoned, neglected or abused to begin with and because 2) they desire a family and the system takes so long that they lose faith in their prospects of finding a family.

When did we become a society that abandons its children? When did we become selfish enough that we thought our pleasure in abusing our own children took preference over their well-being? Who in the world beats, sexually or verbally assaults, or neglects their own children? Who are we as a nation when we can't even take our eyes off of ourselves long enough to see our own children and their needs?

This is one reason why I can't work this job forever: I get too emotional when I think of all the kids and prospective families and the average time for adoptions to go through and all of the different types of therapy they are undergoing in the meantime (and possibly for the rest of their lives). The people who do this day-in and day-out have my sincerest admiration - they have more emotional gumption than I think I will ever be in possession of.

We were talking the other night at the Student Voice meeting about how sin should make us sick - how we should weep and grieve over it. In the past few weeks, I have moved toward knowing that more acutely than I ever did before, with both my own sin and seeing what the sins of one generation can mean for the next.

In our culture, we have developed a widening dichotomy for this generation. On the one hand, as news outlets are reporting today, this generation of college students is more narcissitic than any other that has come before - they are self-aware and self-righteous and think they are untouchable. On the other hand, we have a generation that has grown up being neglected and abused, drenched in mental health therapy and struggling to develop some sort of positive image of themselves.

Somewhere along the line, our culture began seeing a person's worth as something that is acquired - not as something that is intrinsic. Our culture says that we have worth when we're physically beautiful, healthy and capable of some form of success (whether fame or monitary).

We have lost the fact that we have intrinsic, in-born worth simply because we are made in God's image.

We are made in God's own image! Why doesn't that blow our minds? Why do we not see the child with Down Syndrome or Epilepsy (as a recent New York Times article read) as something to allow out into the open, not as something in which to find shame or ambarrassment? As something of worth, even to society, as a teacher and reminder of what is important, of what is simple enough to actually enjoy?

There is good in store when we place our hope and trust in the Lord. Good. Surely, it may not always appear that way at first - when our hearts are breaking over some guy or girl, or when a family member dies, or when you can't (for the life of you) find a job - but God has good in store for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.


What a strange thought that I have been trying to digest over the past few days - many of our distresses in life are caused by the fact that we do not trust God to bring us good out of situations we automatically label as dire and nigh impossible to live through.

We must trust that He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son that He loves, and that that action has purchased God's favor toward us - that we are being refined and made perfect and more like His beloved Son, Jesus Christ. We must trust that!

No father, when his child asks for a fish, will give his child a scorpion - so why do we expect that God, who is a perfect father, would ever give us anything less? Everything He allows to be sent our way is for our good and, more important, for His glory.

So, I wonder, can we strive to take what we're given and return to God His glory with it? I pray that it would be our sincerest desire and at the forefront of our every thought.

Hosanna Filio David
Hosanna in altisimis

Mood: Discombobulated Listening to: downhere, iPod shuffle
Reading: Warren Wiersbe, Be Heroic

18 February 2007

The Remedy?

I keep jumping online at random times and attempting to start writing some sort of coherent thoughts down, but I'm afraid I come up empty every time.

The past few weeks have been different, to say the least. For the last week and a half, I have been commuting to Denver to work a temporary position in hopes of paying for rent this month without dipping more into my savings. The extra time spent driving every day (at least three hours) plus the lack of full nights' sleep have become disastrous on a few occasions, simply because I don't have enough time when I am at home in the Fort and I'm exhausted so often that it results in tensions and misunderstandings and all sorts of strange stuff.

And, to be honest, I've just had a hard time with all of it. It's hard to be away from Christopher - who I am coming to see more and more as my family; I miss my "family" - I haven't been able to keep up meetings during the week with the beautiful women that do so much to encourage and challenge me; and I miss working at the Weekly - the one thing that I loved so far in this strange, crazy season.

The strangest thing, though, I think, has just been a spiritual exhaustion - it comes from knowing that I have been trusting in my own ability to keep myself on track and knowing that I need to lean more on the God who loves me and controls my every moment and desires to give good things to His children...

But I'm having the hardest time in trusting Him for a job. Despite how wonderful it would be, Chris and I can't live on love - and if it is God's design (for now) that we let Him provide for us by my working, I have a hard time accepting the fact that I can't seem to find something that I want to actually do, much less a permanent position that will let me do so.

God is still forever faithful, though - and so good! I've heard so many incredible messages lately, and I've been reminded of how much I love digging into Scripture and the original languages and listening to worship music (I can't seem to get enough of Jason Morant's Open). I feel as though I keep failing and He just keeps blessing me with the time and energy that I need to get things done. If only I knew better how to find my rest in Him...

Lately, I've tried to rediscover my passion for reading and it's been such a wonderful thing, though I wish I had more time to do it. I just finished the first of many books I checked out from the library, an expanded version of Madeleine L'Engle's journals which made me think from the first page to the last (she is so well-read and insightful, though her religious views often seem somewhat skewed, though I cannot judge). And this other book that I've been digesting is one that I can only read during daylight hours (and those are severely limited), but it makes me so grateful for my salvation and so heart-broken over how so many people are led so far astray into corrupt and abusive religious systems.

Still in the future lie German, L'Engle - Round Two, a fat book on Christianity and the rest of Krakauer. Before then, however, I'm afraid I must whisk myself away to my room in order to rest myself before my freakishly long day tomorrow. I just pray that God will provide all the energy that I need to finish everything that I must. How wonderful to know that He is faithful!

Ah, goodnight! 'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus - oh, for the grace to trust Him more! (I do suppose that is the "remedy.")

Mood: Sleepy Listening to: My parents talking
Reading: Madeleine L'Engle, A Circle of Quiet

01 February 2007

The world is weird

I know. Big shocker...

But, seriously. when you spend two and a half hours of your day looking at headlines and trying to determine what is important enough to be placed in next week's issue, you see a lot of strange stuff.

Like, check this out:
A woman with a 93-pound ovarian cyst.
A 14.5-pound baby in Mexico.
An elderly woman who kept 11 fully grown swans in her 270-sq-ft apartment since 2001.
A lawmaker in Texas who is pushing for a bill that will make parents missing scheduled parent-teacher conferences a misdemeanor and assess a fine for doing so.

I laugh every time I sit down to read the news. Not to mention all the celebrity gossip. Who cares if someone is really ready to have kids? Do we only care because they're willing to sacrifice their amazing figures to do so?

Goodness gracious me. What a strange world.

And it's supposed to snow again. And it's freezing outside. And I have to walk to my car.

Oh well... God is still faithful and still has purpose for me. I'm so grateful that someone does.

Mood: Sleepy Reading: Jon Krakauer, Under the Banner of Heaven
Listening to: Whatever is playing off of Greg's computer