from on my knees

I met You like a little child
Wide-eyed and mystified
That You could love even me
So I'm here to testify
That it's been an amazing ride with You
And I have never walked alone
Wanna give You every moment, every minute
It's takes a lifetime to know You, to know You

And the more You show me, the more You grow me
The more Your glory becomes all there is
And the more I know You, the more I need You
The more I love You, the more You become to me

Fast-forward to the golden years
A smaller pride and a bigger fear
But still, no way are we done yet
I pray that You would keep me mystified,
In every way that I will still abide in You
Till You come to take me home
Wanna give You every moment, every minute
And take a lifetime to know You, to know You

Wanna give You every moment, every minute
I'’ll take a lifetime to know You
Hold me Lord, keep me
Draw me closer every moment of my life

©2006 Marc Martel and Jason Germain, "The More"
[[from downhere's Wide-eyed and Mystified, releasing in May]]

* * *

Things have been changing around here for a while now. I think there comes a time in everyone's lives where they feel that everything they have ever known has simply been stripped from them including, but not limited to, a sense of home, of purpose and of belonging.

In so many ways, I feel as though the proverbial rug has been pulled out from under my feet and I've been struggling to gain my bearings ever since.

But when bearings are no longer in the same places, it's hard to regain a sense of balance.

* * *

H O M E

Perhaps the most prominent thing to go this year has been my sense of home.

I don't know how to reconcile certain changes in my life with my parents or with their expectations of me. I don't know how to sit around any more and just enjoy being at home - I feel I have to work or I fear that I won't fully be welcomed. I don't know what is expected of me anymore, so I just tend to try to do everything, which is exhausting - which is not what I was created to do. I don't know how to mesh together what I feel God requires of me and living a life of comfort or of ease.

"Home" is such a versatile concept in college anyway - you never can say it's anywhere because you're always in transition, being disconnected. While I was home alone, however, it was definitely not "home" in the sense that I had come to always trust it would be, even with its changing connotations.

To be completely honest, I will never understand a true concept of "home" until I leave this earth and, until then, I can search and try to replace my bearings, but I will never fully succeed.

But what am I doing until I get there? How am I utilizing and wasting my time? What will I have to show when my Lord returns as a thief in the night?

* * *

P U R P O S E

For years, I have avoided this altogether in the hopes that I could delay its implications for my life:

I was created to bring glory and honor to God in every single thing I do, however mundane or trite.

And, yet, so seldom do I even consciouslyly try.

It amazes me how often I take God's grace for granted, how often I choose comfort over His glory - how often I seek my own way when I know no better path than the one He has laid before me.

As the end of my college days grows ever closer, I feel so completely lost when I consider my options.

The easiest would be, of course, to graduate, get a job and proceed with my life, meeting everyone else's expectations along the way and seeking to please God without any form of abandon, discomfort or inconvenience whatsoever.

The hardest (but safest) would be to leave my nets and follow Him, not worrying if there are only five loaves and two fish to get me through the rest of my life, but knowing that He will provide all that I need when I am in His will.

For in His will, there is no riskier or safer place.

But outside of His will, there is only danger.

How, then, are we to discover God's will for our lives? How much can we trust the wisdom and advice of others before thtugginggs on our hearts become insistent to the point where we are miserable and we no longer place the responsibility of the decision upon those who have authority over us?

When do we finally stop trying to keep up with others and with their expectations and fall into step with the Spirit?

* * *

B E L O N G I N G

The most obvious change has been in my relationships over the past few months.

What once was solidly in place is now shaky in some areas. What once was unsure is now steadily more stable.

When I fail to meet the expectations of others, I no longer feel as though I belong. I feel that I have abandoned them somewhat, not out of a desire to do so, but out of a disconnect, a loss of standing in their eyes.

But the only thing I need know is that I belong to God, that I am bought at a price and that the God I serve is fully sovereign over my relationships with others. We are commanded to be part of the body of Christ and that command does not allow us to remove ourselves because of discomfort.

Being at home completely alone, I felt so disjointed - I didn't "belong" anywhere because I wasn't able to fully be anywhere. I was out of step not only with my friends and family members, but with myself.

If you fail to be fully candid with people, you fail to be honest with yourself. I have not really had anyone keeping track of my life through accountability this semester, which is different and very difficult.

The most difficult part is that I can more easily avoid my own heart condition and, right now, my heart is tired.

My heart breaks for my friends who don't feel they belong, who have fallen away in their faith, who are reaping the consequences of specific sins and my heart breaks when I let myself think about all that I push to the sides of my mind in hopes that they will resolve themselves before I have to face them again.

But God doesn't work that way. I praise the Lord because He is God and He is sovereign over my and everyone else's situations, over our hearts, over our salvation.

I am left tonight with such a sense of not knowing, but I know that I cannot keep pushing things off to the side any longer. There are some things that just need to be dealt with for sanity's sake and, so, from on my knees, I ask that God would renew me and restore me to a right sense of home, a right sense of purpose and a right sense of belonging.

Knowing God is like an exponential curve. The more you come to know, the more there is. It never ends. May I come to the point where His glory is all there is.

How desperate is my need to be mystified by my Savior!

Mood: Worn Reading: C.S. Lewis, Letters to Malcolm
Listening to: Remedy Drive, Magnify

Finally! I can rejoice aloud!

FT released the news today that they have signed with InPop Records, which I knew was happening since the beginning of this year, but which I couldn't tell anyone about because I wasn't actually supposed to know...

But I've been rejoicing ever since and now I can rejoice with others!

I'm so excited about what God has in store for these guys... it just makes my heart leap with joy.

Dang. How interesting can one week get?

Mood: Jazzed(!) Listening to: Newsboys, Take Me to Your Leader
Reading: C.S. Lewis, Letters to Malcolm

Exhaustion

The last week or so has been exhausting in a lot of ways. I just don't feel like I ever get enough rest and when I know that I have, I still feel like I haven't. School has been somewhat brutal and now, on my break, I'm working all week.

Which isn't a bad thing at all... it's really a good thing because I can really use the money and the résumé-building, but I always sleep terribly the night before I start a job, hence my current state of exhaustion.

And making phone calls for seven hours doesn't really help either, but I can safely say that I'm well on my way to mastering the "Hello, my name is ----- and I'm from the -----. I am calling to see if -----. Are you interested?" speech. Oh, and it's nice to call people who you never have to talk to ever again. I'm working on my imposition skills, which are good for a reporter.

Too bad I don't really want to be a reporter.

I graduate in December and, to be honest, I don't know what I'm going to do. If I could be guaranteed a good job in what I'm studying, I might be up for it, but there aren't really any good jobs in what I'm studying. The news/editorial area of journalism is such a bad job field - bad hours, bad pay, a lot of work that you might not necessarily agree with.

Oh well... I'd rather do editing or publishing or technical writing or be an office assistant. Go figure.

Anyway... my parents are back from their trip to Fiji, Australia and New Zealand. They had a good time, have some great stories to tell and brought back more than they took. And they have a lot of pictures.

So, I'm going to spend time with the parts of my family that are currently here and then I'm going to read and then *drumroll please* I'm going to SLEEP!

This is what break is for... waking up earlier than I do the rest of the time.

Mood: Tired Listening to: downhere, Wide-Eyed and Mystified
Reading: C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

At home again

I've spent much of the past few hours here at the library because the Internet isn't working at home and I don't know how to fix it like I normally do.

I just submitted an article to College Avenue, which should be interesting to see how that turns out, and I emailed a professor and both of my parents, who are enjoying their vacation.

Much of my weekend is devoted to an ever-mounting to-do list that I compiled last night, including chores and homework and things like that. I never seem to have enough time.

I should go, though. I need to get back to the dogs and to my list, now that I've completed what is necessary here at the library.