Treasure on a Tuesday-Wednesday: Sara Groves and My Favorite 15 Sara Groves Songs

In honor of Easter, I wanted to share some of the songs that reflect my understanding of the cross and the price at which my life was purchased so many years ago. As I started looking, however, I realized that so many of my favorites were by one artist: Sara Groves.

Over the last 12 years, Groves has released 10 albums. There are few artists who compare in their abilities to write creatively, challenge the integrity of my heart, and bring me face-to-face with the real person of Jesus Christ. Her songs challenge me to be a better follower of Jesus and, as a musician, she challenges me to be a better songwriter.

She's hard to forget. I once saw her play live and she went up on stage, popped out her gum and placed it on the keyboard next to her before starting her set. She's a normal person with regular struggles in faith, life, and love, but she's one that I admire greatly in many ways. The result is that it's hard to pick favorites because her music is just favorite. But I picked favorites.

And by "favorites," I mean 15. There was no way around it, people. It would have been, like 50 if I hadn't curbed myself to 15. I'll keep these short and sweet.

If you haven't ever listened to Sara Groves' music, I suggest you start with these:

Conversations (2001)

• (1) "The Word" - This was one of the first songs I ever heard by Groves. A timeless, catchy, beautiful song about Christ as the Word of God, rooted in Hebrews 13:8.
• (2) "Generations" - One of the most influential songs for my heart while I was finishing high school, as it reminded me of the fact that what I sowed in my life, generations would reap after me. Every high school kid needs to know he or she doesn't exist in a vacuum - we are part of a great story, and our choices have consequences.

All Right Here (2002)

• (3) "Tornado" - A little different from most of her songs musically, this one's a little more country and a little less piano ballad. Groves walks through experiences with people who cause chaos and who require forgiveness in this fun and heartfelt analogy-driven song.
• (4) "You Cannot Lose My Love" - A simple song about the constant nature of God's love. We cannot lose it. Ever!

The Other Side of Something (2005)

• (5) "What I Thought I Wanted" - This first song began to resonate deeply in my heart when my heart was finally for the man that I eventually married. It's a testament to God's grace and sovereignty, even in the things we think might be too small for Him to notice.
  Thoughts on the Song: "Reflections" (from 9/13/2005)

Add to the Beauty (2005)

• (6) "Kingdom Comes" - After Chris and I started dating, this was (I think) the first album by Groves that he heard. It flipped his thoughts about female singer/songwriters. This song, about laying aside comfort and personal desires for the sake of the kingdom, has been the basis of our hearts toward ministry and in our marriage. Bit by bit, the kingdom is certainly coming.
  Thoughts on the Song: "Christmas" (from 12/25/2005)
• (7) "To The Moon" - A sweet and short bit of witticism on the state of the church today, which seems more than ready to head for the moon because no one understands us here. A call to remain exists in its well-conceived words, to fight the good fight and trust that God can take care of the details. We are meant to be set apart. Let us embrace and rejoice in what marks us!
• (8) "Why It Matters" -  This stirring piano-driven song is about remembering why it matters that Christ came and died and rose again on behalf of our sins. Christ is the Light in the darkness, shining out hope and refuge in the darkest places. In Him we have "small ramparts for the soul," and that is beautiful and meaningful.

Tell Me What You Know (2007)

• (9) "When the Saints" - Perhaps my all-time favorite (I know, right? I did just say that), and for good reason. Every time I hear this song, the hairs on my arms stand on end. A play on the song, "When the Saints Go Marching In," Groves turns the song into a testament of God's faithfulness to the saints through the years, from Paul and those in the Hall of Faith (Hebrews 11) to those still sold into slavery today. We are part of an incredibly big picture that God is weaving together, of faith and life, and the mercy that is offered to us that makes us stand up and know, "I want to be one of them."
• (10) "It Might Be Hope" - Simple things catch my attention in captivating ways. They herald the provision and great goodness of Christ. This is a song about that, about finding hope in the littlest of places when life is hard.

O Holy Night (2008)

• (11) "It's True (feat. Toby Groves)" -  I am not ashamed to say that I listen to this Christmas song all year long. It's beautiful and chilling all at the same time. The first several times I listened to it, I broke down in tears. It's all true! God came down to save us! Hallelujah! (And it features Groves' oldest son, Toby, which mostly just makes me cry more - so amazing.)

Fireflies & Songs (2009)

• (12) "Different Kinds of Happy" - This song keenly expressed the end game of my last battle with depression, when I finally let my dear husband walk with me through its conclusion. It is an incredible image of having everything out in the open with someone you trust to love you, regardless of what he might find in your depths. Good and life-giving reminders for my heart.
  Thoughts on the Song: "A different kind of happy" (from 12/1/2010)
• (13) "Joy is in Our Hearts" - This song strikes such a good balance between understanding sorrow and understanding the promises of joy and peace that we have in Christ. A great reminder that Christ Himself is our joy and strength.

Invisible Empires (2011)

• (14) "Open My Eyes" - My recent favorite, I listen to this a lot because it is relevant to where I've found myself in life of late. God's goodness and common grace are everywhere, and our circumstances do not negate that. I believe that He is who He says He is.
  Thoughts on the Song: "Thursday Thoughts - Rain is No Measure" (from 1/26/2012)
• (15) "Precious Again" - One of the sweetest things I have known in the past few years is how God returns my heart to Him in simple ways. When life seems dry and I have no desire to seek Him, He makes it "precious again" to my heart, and I love this song for its expression of that promise I've found in Him.

Thursday Thoughts: The Heart of Peter

Today was one of those days where (since I usually have most of my "quiet time" with God at day's end, when I function best) I forget by the end of the day that I spent quite a bit of time at His feet in the morning... Days like that are few and far between, more than they should be. I remembered this morning both why I should get up before the sun breaks and why I don't. Graciously, God's strength carries me through, but that's not entirely normal - especially when I'm dead tired and sitting in a Starbucks at 6:30 a.m.

Regardless, recent days when I've been able to get up and function, I have been greatly blessed with rest for my soul and by an in-depth study of Peter's letters (I & II Peter). Chris encouraged me months ago to sift through these epistles, and I put them off as I read Psalms and did other things. Just before going to Phoenix, I had the opportunity to start I Peter, and worked my way through most of it while sitting in Eddie and Jen's living room in fellowship while we all read and sought God on our own - together, with some questions and debates thrown in (as only the four of us can). Then, as I sat alone last Saturday while the rest of the family went skiing, I worked my way through II Peter.

I'd like to share some of what I gleaned from these eight beautiful chapters and the heart of Peter. I feel II Peter 3:1-2a sum things up quite nicely (though you might not think so at first glance):

This is now the second letter that I am writing to you, beloved. In both of them I am stirring up your sincere mind by way of reminder, that you should remember...

Peter goes on to list several things, but as I read this first piece of the final chapter, I was struck by how Peter entreats these people that he loves so dearly to remember, to remind themselves. So the natural question, especially after he references both of his letters, is: "What is he trying to remind them of?"

In reviewing notes from both letters, I came away with five key items:

1) Grace is costly. Jesus Christ was really God, humbled in human form for the sake of our redemption. He really died on a cross, nailed there, with a crown of thorns. And there were witnesses still alive in the generation reading this letter for the first time who saw Jesus Christ walk again alive on this earth after His death. This is the turning point of salvation - any other Gospel than costly grace is a false gospel.

2) Because a great price was paid for our redemption, we respond by living uprightly in the freedom we now have from the corrupting power of sin. This upright living does not justify us before the throne of Almighty God - it is merely our response to correctly understanding the complete purchase and power of the blood of Christ at Calvary.

3) This understanding leads to compassion and subsequently to unity within the Church, the body of Christ. Because we understand that we have been forgiven much, we are able to forgive much and love much. We find unity with those whom we would otherwise have no reason to be in the same room with, much less to love and unite with in a common purpose for life. This unity protects us from false teachers and creates a shelter for us from the challenges of living in earthly kingdoms.

4) Because Christ's rescue and redemption is beautiful and complete, we can also entrust judgement to Him. Life will be hard. Circumstances will arise in which we have no earthly response available to us other than to continue on in faith, trusting that He will ultimately make things right as He has in our salvation, and that He will judge those who have gone against His kingdom and His children. We need not fear what man can do to us - we only need concern ourselves with continuing onward in His promises.

5) Faith in Christ's victory over our sin and its death means salvation is ours! He has overcome the grave and the corruption of sin that so easily entangles our souls. We can trust that salvation is ours because of the other four pieces. It is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Since last Friday, I have been listening to Bethany Dillon's "Satisfy" off of her To Those Who Wait EP (which was released last Friday). I had enough money to buy one song, and that was the one I chose. I can't stop listening to it. I need the reminders. I need to know every day that what bought my freedom was costly and glorious and beautiful and satisfying in every way.

The human soul can be filled with regret;
   we never forget where we've gone wrong.

Almighty God stands ready to forgive
   all of our offense in a crimson flood.   

With my first breath, I drew in depravity -
   Needing Your mercy even in my first hour.
I'm proof the cross is as able today
   as when the Lamb was slain on the Altar of God.

It is so beautiful; so beautiful!
   I feast my eyes at how You satisfy my soul.

I keep coming back to this. As many times as I've heard these words this last week, I continue to hear them and weep wildly and openly. Unashamed, I cried for a while this morning at Starbucks - tears of joy and wonder at the incredible mercy of Almighty God.

I need the reminders of the price at which I was bought. The promise of Easter is costly. Don't let it just be another holiday. Seek to prepare your heart early. Carry an understanding of Peter's heart with you every day: Remember.

Thursday Thoughts: Rain is No Measure

[[Because this post will reference several seasons of life, I've decided to add links to some older posts concerning things referenced in the past (where applicable) for those who may not be as familiar with my life and growth in Christ over the past 13 years.]]

It is rare that enough is swirling around in my head late at night that it causes me to lie restless, compelled to write and compelled to seek the depths of my heart - these days, at least.

I have struggled to find a normal routine in recent years (see "A Night Owl's Growing Convictions on the Importance of Daylight"), migrating from night owl to functioning daylight person, and I have yet to strike a proper balance. I'm still often too exhausted in daylight hours to function well, perhaps reinforcing my theory from college that I actually sleep best when I start in the early hours of the morning rather than the later hours of the evening... but I digress.

As I laid in bed this evening attempting (or maybe not attempting so much) to find the sleep my body so desperately craves, several things swirled in my head as I mulled over things that have accumulated over the past few months of our lives. I apologize in advance that this might come across as an incredible and random mixture of thoughts, and put forth that they do coalesce.

The first is perhaps that this last week has seemed a lifetime. Chris shared a verse tonight with the youth kids from James: "So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin" (4:17).

And that might be where my self-evaluation is driven from tonight, casting my own actions and reactions in a fresh glow of saving light.

I know that I can trust God to have the best for me, and I know that it is good to do so - that I should do so. But I fail to, and that is sinful.

As I've mentioned before, my first listens of Sara Groves' albums seem to be ordained for the moments and seasons I need their truths the most (see "Christmas" and "Peace, Peace"). Her latest, "Invisible Empires" is no exception. A few weeks ago, I learned that she had a new album (that I somehow missed) and I purchased it with an iTunes card (a Christmas gift from my parents) the next day. I somehow wound up driving around town for a while trying to find a friend's apartment, which was probably a good thing because I was in tears by the end of the second song.

In the little more than a year since my grandmother died and I woke from my second major bout with depression since being married (see "A different kind of happy"), our lives have certainly been incredible messes. We have seen everything from freak accidents and rehabilitation to friends moving away and substantial delays in what we thought life would be. We have also seen incredible blessings (see "God is not a cashier at a fast food restaurant") and have been shown that God is still gracious toward us in every way.

But in the midst of all of the chaos (that continues), I'm beginning to realize that I have replaced some of my depression with a strong desire to control my life - and I'm finally realizing, more than a year later, that I truly hold no control over anything that I desire to hold firmly in the palm of my hand.

I cannot force someone to hire me. I cannot keep the sins of others from breaking my heart. I cannot control hurtful words others might say. I cannot prevent others from growing up and moving forward in their lives in ways that I feel incapable of doing. I cannot control whether or not we ever have children. I cannot keep others from moving away or falling away.

But I am finding that the things I do have quite a bit of say in are possibly the things that actually matter, which is a strangely liberating thing for me tonight. For the first time in more than a year, I feel I can take God at His word that He is not only good but has good planned for our lives - even if it doesn't turn out as we may have wanted it.

And this is where Sara Groves song, "Open My Hands," comes into the picture and is so incredibly poignant as it pierces my soul at its deepest points:

I believe in a blessing I don't understand -

I've seen rain fall on the wicked and the just.

Rain is no measure of His faithfulness -

He withholds no good thing from us.

I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain - 

The broken find healing in love.

Pain is no measure of His faithfulness - 

He withholds no good thing from us.

I will open my hands, will open my heart.

I am nodding my head, an emphatic "yes,"

for all that You have for me.

Certainly, this idea of common and special grace has been settling in my head for almost a year now (see "How He loves us..."). One of the most deep-reaching areas of struggle for me has been our desire to have children, with this month marking more than a year and a half since we began this painful adventure. It is something that we have held close and not heavily publicized.

And, no, I am still not pregnant. But God is still good, and I believe that more and more whole-heartedly the longer this waiting continues. The crazy thing is that I'm finally beginning to let go of the need to do all of this in my own timing. My desire is still there, and it sits with me daily, but some of the urgency is receding a bit as I realize it is good to trust the plan God has - and perhaps, for the first time, that to do otherwise is sinful.

Perhaps it is the unfortunate events of the past few weeks that have finally placed everything in the proper perspective, as I haven't had the opportunity to grieve as I typically do. It's amazing how, month after month, one can still have the slightest sliver of hope that things might finally be different than every month that has come before.

I may not be able to control my life, but I can be useful. I can do the good I have been entrusted with (Ephesians 2:10). I can enjoy my dear husband, whom I love and admire more than I did the day I walked to meet him in a church in Aurora, Colorado. I can enjoy the blessing of his friendship, his desire to know my heart, his desire to continue to lead us in the direction of the Kingdom - remaining faithful to the vows we took unto God and unto each other (see "Four Years and It is Lovelier (Still)").

I can choose joy. I can choose to continue my pursuit of the Kingdom. I can choose to be healthy. There is no sin in the pursuit of these things.

It has been interesting since the beginning of the year, when I resolved I was going to finally take control of my body and lose the 20 pounds that make me overweight. To that point, I had hoped they would just be taken over if I were to become pregnant, and had used that as an excuse to avoid being healthy as I ought to be. The strangest piece is that, as I've lost little by little and seen myself become a little smaller, I'm finding that there's life in that.

God has blessed this past year with an incredible and building desperation for Him in my heart. In my weakness and in my emerging into the light of sanity, He has been faithful to restore my awe of the love and grace He has given to me.

I have never longed for heaven more and have fallen in love with the promise of Revelation 21:5 - "And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.' Also he said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'"

All things new! Do we even dare to begin to think we know the implications of that thought? The world is broken, but the God I serve - the God who sent His only Son to redeem this wretch - is not broken, and is the same today as He has always been and always will be. How glorious!

And so I find myself desiring to embrace all that God has for me tonight, for the first time in a long time. The rain of the past year is no measure of His faithfulness or His love for me. He is good, and I want to open my heart to that truth daily - to see His infinite graces toward me in every star placed in the sky, every time of laughter with Christopher, every impatient pawing from a pup who just wants to be loved, every melody and lyric that resonates deep within, and every opportunity of sweet friendship, fellowship and worship. I am blessed in each and every moment, where there is at the least a hint of grace. 

Common grace, specifically for me.

Listening to: Invisible Empires, Sara Groves
Reading: Emily's Quest, L.M. Montgomery

Take This (Simple)

In 2006, I wrote a song and recorded it in the span of about 24 hours - it was my first experience with such a fast-paced process. Over the years, I've gone back to it time and again, grateful for the heart with which it was composed and a little bashful over the production value.

Tonight, the themes of the song still resonate deeply with me. Perhaps it is just that God has led me back into a similar season or that I still have not grown out of my abiding desire to hold perfection and control within my own grasp.

I wish this were simple -

This falling down and getting up again.

It would be easier if I wasn't so frustrated by bruised shins.

I get so frustrated. Not many people see that side of me. It's not that I get frustrated with life all that often (although that hasn't necessarily been the case in the last few months - an anomaly, I assure you), I get frustrated with how I react to life. My depressive, defeatist side comes easily out of the woodwork when things are brewing around me. Things like bruised shins hurt, but they heal if given the time. Unfortunately, I don't like how allowing time for such things to heal creates delays in "the plan."

But every fall is dangerous,

I've made an idol of control and, in doing so, lost it all.

It amazes me how the bruises of life and our desire to keep ourselves from them at any cost results in a continued effort to fix things on our own. Each trip and injury I sustain is dangerous because my pride makes me think I can fix anything that comes my way. And when I can't, I'm miserable, frustrated, and I've lost the most important hope that I have - that of Christ reigning over me.

Supposedly, it's simple - 

This getting up and falling down again.

It would be easier if I weren't so daunted by the distance.

Have you noticed that almost everything we desire seems to be so far off? When I originally penned the lyrics for this song, Chris and I were dating and eagerly waiting to be engaged - at which point we would still be waiting, then just eagerly waiting to be married. 

Waiting! I feel like so much of my life is filled with just longing and waiting to be somewhere else, someone else, and doing something else. 

I find it difficult to trust God for the things that I've always considered "far off." Music is a great example. There have been seasons where God has opened my heart and my time to pour into creating music that I'm still proud of and desire to share with others, but those times have been few and far between. Granted, He has had many things for me in the "rests," the musical pauses between measures, but I've always been daunted by the scale of what I've desired to do with music. It's terrifying in so many ways to me, especially now that I am married and looking to a future in the workforce and eventually (hopefully) having a family - how does music begin to fit into that framework?

But every rise is dangerous - 

I've made a mess of success, taking glory that is not mine.

And, yet, I wonder - am I still not in a position where I can fully give God back the glory that I so easily stole from Him in high school and in college and, heck, recently in thinking that I could do all of this myself? I so easily steal His glory and fail to realize that I have none whatsoever on my own.

How foolish our rises in pride are! How dangerous! I do not understand what I do - Lord God, have mercy on my soul!

I get into the perfect place for Satan to make me utterly useless - that place where I fear doing anything for fear of rising or falling too far from where God desires me to be. That place where I fail to surrender anything at all at the feet of the only One who can fashion all I bring into things of use for the kingdom. So much more often than it is, my prayer needs to (honestly and earnestly) be:

Take this away from me - 

Take this fear of failing, this urge to hold all that's holding me;

Take this need for normalcy, these attempts to grab and keep.

Take this like of being liked, this view that I am holding everything;

Take this mind that believes perfection is right within its reach.

Take this from me.

Are you ever at peace within yourself? I think there have been times that I was, but they (as so many other things) are few and far between. I never know the meaning of "enough" - even if the sufficiency comes from Christ - and that is a problem. I am:

Never satisfied -

Always not quite right;

Never pleased with stumbles;

Afraid of every fumble.

But You're right here and You never steer me wrong.

It is to You that I belong.

I cannot even begin to understand the root concept that I belong to Christ and only Christ. It certainly is not reflected in my daily life as I waddle around in the mire I've created trying to serve too many masters. I too easily forget I can cling to the wonderful and mysterious beauty of the Word made flesh and made an atonement for my every sin. 

That is the Hope of Easter. It is what my soul desperately needs every moment.

[["Take This (Simple)," ©2006 Alyssa Kate Grinstead; All rights reserved.]]

How He loves us...

Life since November has been a whirlwind of emotions and personal detours that has left me in a state of spiritual disarray. For a while, I found myself at the foot of the cross daily, glorying in the simple fact that my Father loved me.

Not only does He love me, but He loved me enough to send His most valued thing - His Son - to die on my behalf. That is no ordinary love.

“How He Loves” has become one of my favorite songs, and as I prayed tonight, struggling to grasp hold of some flotation device as I sank into my own misery, the words flowed into my mind and their meaning fought to take root in my heart.

He is jealous for me /

I am finding more and more that I have mistaken common grace for the immense and incredible love of the Father. It is certain that He bestows gifts of grace to all mankind - men and women see with eyes, eat tasty foods, experience success, and hold newborns regardless of faith in God. Christopher was quick to remind me the other night that God grants common grace to reveal aspects of Himself to the world and to draw men unto Him.

But He is jealous for me. That is no ordinary love. The love of the Father is a love that protects, never fades, and that fights for me when the covenant that I cannot keep on my own is threatened. My Savior will fight for my heart when other things threaten to take it from Him.

And, perhaps if I am fully honest with myself, He has had good reason to fight for my heart recently. There are too many distractions, no matter how hard I try to ward them off - only one taking root in my heart is too many.

Loves like a hurricane //
I am a tree / Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy //

‘Hurricane’ is an appropriate word. Life seems to be throwing all sorts of things at us from every angle and we can’t seem to make our way to the eye, where peace reigns in the middle of the storm. And we are certainly bending beneath every bit of its weight.

And, yet, I can almost see the love of God in each wind, if I let myself. God’s love abounds in Christopher’s skiing mishap, as He continues to show Himself faithful with the slow restoration of movement to Christopher’s foot and the fact that it could have been much, much worse. God’s love resides in our housing situation, waiting to close on a house that seemed impossible from the beginning and has been one victorious and humbling hurdle after the next. God’s love is evident in the girls’ retreat last weekend and the prayers that were answered for unity and love among them. God’s love brings mercy in the form of my little brother - who was fully available and gave up a few of his days to come help me get home things straightened out on a short deadline. God’s love is with others, as His protection and desire for His glory to be made great are revealed in circumstances beyond anyone’s control.

And God’s love is perfect, seeking to refine me to make me more like His Son.

When all of a sudden, I am unaware / Of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory /

Oh, how I wish I could understand what He is doing! I am so vastly unaware of the workings behind the scenes, of how these afflictions are to be eclipsed by glory because of the victory of the cross!

And I realize just how beautiful You are
and how great Your affections are for me //

It is too easy to look at the presence of common grace and pitch a fit over not being granted one or two pieces of it. Why do I care so much when I have something so much greater - when the God of the Universe loves me with no ordinary love?

I so desperately need to understand, but not what I think I must - I do not need to understand which pieces of common grace God has for my life, but the very important truth that He loves us. How He loves us so.

[["How He Loves," lyrics by John Mark McMillan]]

Peace, Peace

Can I just say how much I appreciate Sara Groves and her ability to continually put forth album after album of music that is so incredibly good for my soul? This year, after having "It's True" on my everyday playlist for more than a year, Christopher and I went ahead and purchased the rest of her Christmas Album, "O Holy Night." All through December, I listened over and over to amazing words of songs that have been around for years - and felt as though I heard them for the first time, as Groves shaped the music around them in a different way.

One of my favorites is a song called "Peace, Peace", which includes a line from "O Little Town of Bethlehem" - "All your hopes and fears are met in Him tonight." What a beautiful line! And one that I have listened to countless times without actually understanding the profound nature of those words!

Peace, peace - it's hard to find;
Trouble comes like a wrecking ball to your peace of mind,

and all that worry you can't leave behind -
All your hopes and fears are met in Him tonight.

I usually love Christmas (and wrapping presents, which I could gush about for a while), but there was something so incredible about this Christmas. Early on, I began praying that my heart would be softened - that I would experience anew the incredible joy of our Savior's advent.

The end of the fall was particularly rough for me in places, but so sweet in others. In the wake of my grandmother's death, I finally found a perspective of what it means to hold to Christ all of our days - to walk with Him, to trust Him until the very end.

And I think that's when it hit me that God loves me. It's not this thing where He kind of tolerates me and decided that, since He was already saving a few others, I was available to throw into the bunch. Had that been the case, there would have been no need for things to have happened as they did.

To think that, not only did God humble Himself in becoming a baby boy in all of our human limitations, but He did so with the intent of taking on our filth so that we could be with Him each day of our lives on this earth - as well as the next day after we leave it.

I think I cried every day of the first two weeks of my winter break. Sometimes tears of sadness when I was overwhelmed by the still-new grief of my parents over their mothers' deaths, but mostly tears of gratitude and joy - something I haven't experienced in so much time I'm ashamed to admit to my lack of feeling.

God was faithful in answering my prayers that my heart be tender and softened for the season - all of my hopes and fears were met in Him.

Peace, peace - it's hard to find;
Doubt comes like a tiny voice that's so unkind,
and all your fears they conspire to unwind you.
All your hopes and fears are met in Him.

And, yet, it is difficult to return home. My hopes and fears here seem so very different than what they were when we were with our parents or at Faithwalkers and surrounded by our church family. I'm struggling to breathe the free air that I so easily experienced elsewhere. In my battle with apathy, I feel the ever-consuming urge to control what I doubt God can do. I've become laden with anxiety, my sleep has become erratic at best, and yet, still - All of my hopes and fears are met in Him tonight.

How splendid that my doubts and apathy have no effect on the goodness and glory of God - that even when I fail, He is still meeting all of my hopes and fears! My God is still in control over this mess that I continually make for myself. My God still rules the very air I breathe.

With that knowledge alone, I ought to (and can) have peace.

Peace, peace.

[[lyrics from "Peace, Peace" by Sara Groves, Ben Gowell and Aaron Fabbrini]]

A different kind of happy

Go on and ask me anything - What do you need to know?
I'm not holding on to anything I'm not willing to let go of to be free.

I feel as though I'm emerging to new life in a very profound way. About a month ago, I was approached to share my testimony with the group of teenage girls and their moms, who I hang out with a few times a week. Since that time, I've been processing through what my story looks like, which is something that I haven't taken the time to do in a few years - at least not in any great depth.

Perhaps the greatest surprise has been a fixation on my battle with depression over the past 13 years. As some are aware, I have been in the midst of a major depressive episode since last August. It has been my third major battle with the disease. In my reflection, I've noticed patterns and triggers, and I've discovered a general sense of finally being able to understand what has happened off and on for more than a decade.

I've had several amazing conversations with my husband, who has been gracious and seeking to understand - perhaps all the more, as I have been more open than I have been in the past (as I begin to understand it more myself). I had the realization while eating lunch with one of my best friends today that I had never been candid about this particular area of my past with her - not necessarily because it wasn't important, but because I didn't feel it was necessary as it encompasses so much of my everyday life that I often can't separate it out.

And, in the midst of all of the processing I've been doing, I've realized that depression isn't highly addressed in Christian circles.

In looking back, I realize that I felt strange being a kid from a believing household and being constantly both down and lacking in joy. It never seemed right to talk about it. Until I was well into college, I didn't know that my mom had struggled with depression herself.

It just isn't talked about, which is why I've felt that it's been laid on my heart to focus on when I share Friday night. The society that we live in steals our joy - and we must fight for it.

I've got to ask you something - But please don't be afraid.
There's a promise here that's heavier
than your answer might weigh: It's me.

There's a beauty in resting in Christ's assurance of forgiveness and love, even when dealing with the heavy things. As believers, we should never be afraid of condemnation.

And, yet, as believers, we can so easily condemn others for what they share.

The result is that we each hide ourselves away and keep ourselves from true fellowship. The isolation we feel simply compounds until we feel entirely alone and without hope.

As humans, we fail every day. But we must be faithful to those of the household of God (and of those who are not!) - to love and forgive, because that is what has been offered to us.

It's a sweet, sweet thing -
Standing here with you and nothing to hide:
Light shining down to our very insides, sharing our secrets,
bearing our souls, helping each other come clean.

Secrets and cyphers - There's no good way to hide.
There's redemption in confession and freedom in the light.
I'm not afraid.

How sweet it is to belong to the household of faith. How beautiful to be able to stand before my husband and know that there is nothing between us that is hidden, no matter how much it may hurt to have it out in the open. There's a wonderful freedom in having those things that reside in darkness being brought into the light of the grace and forgiveness and love of the Gospel of Christ.

I feel as though I might be discovering that freedom for the first time - hence, this odd little emergence I've been experiencing.

There's a "different kind of happy" that I'm learning to embrace. I don't have to dwell on what has come before, nor on what I've lost.

God has been faithful to me and, for the first time, I think I'm realizing that the God I am coming to know here will always be the God that has claimed my heart and life - nothing can change that or take that away from me.

When death comes, I want to be like my grandmother, who crossed that threshold and was not surprised at Who she found on the other side.

He is always mine. That means now and that means then.

And that means before the beginning of the world, I was His.

What a glorious thing to celebrate at this time of year - The promise of continuation when life on this round, ruddy rock has expired. Praise God!

[[words from "Different Kinds of Happy" by Sara Groves]]

Impending change and all that stays the same

Change is a funny thing. The more you experience what surprises it may hold, the less those surprises actually surprise you when they happen. In fact, there is something within us that knows change is coming - we just never know when or quite how it will take its effects. And, for that, we lie awake in the middle of the night wondering what comes next.

But I don't know how to deal with what comes next.

Mountains high, valleys low -
These are the things that makes us grow.
But all I want to know is if You can hear me,
and all I want to know is if You're still there.

It's easy to struggle these days. My life consists of constant busyness, and I so easily hide within it. There are a lot of changes coming into our lives very quickly, and the result is that all sorts of things that are hidden - that I still can't even name - are making their way out into the open.

My battles with trying to feel a part of the kingdom of God as an individual are nothing new. For the last few years, my few posts have largely dealt with that topic - of feeling inadequate, useless, fickle, and disconnected.

I think it all boils down to feeling burnt out when it comes to the personal Gospel of Christ. It is not difficult to believe that Christ came to die for me. I am easily a sinful, bitter, defiant child who cannot save herself. But for some reason, I have not been able to connect that to love for my Father, for my Savior, for the One who should be at the center of all - either lately or often.

It has become difficult to separate the spiritual defiance from the psychological defiance. And, please, don't get me wrong when I talk about psychology... I do believe that there are specific responses that are built into our bodies - I do not, however, believe that they excuse behavior. It is second-nature to blame my depressive tendencies on all that is happening now - and perhaps I need to start with those tendencies, unravel and attack them, before attempting to figure out why I have been feeling so defiant.

I keep using that word - defiant. Nothing else seems well-enough equipped to describe my current mindset. I am boldly resisting and challenging much of what has come my way over the last few years, as well as many of the things that I know are coming. In the sincerest sense, I hate that I do so, but I also feel powerless to quench it.

And perhaps that is where I have to remind myself that the love of God is impermeable and immutable - there is no depth I can traverse that He does not readily hear me and is not eager to be by my side. There's such a blessing to know that I am His forever, even if I don't know it.

So I can feel Your love wash over like rain;
I could feel Your joy in the midst of my pain.

Can You shine? Shine, on me.
And give me the faith I long to believe, please?

I wish I knew what my soul was longing for me to believe in! All I know is that there is a strong desire within me that is looking for some rest, some peace of heart, some reassurance - and yet I have no idea what it is, much less how to take it before the Lord.

Seasons change - Well, I change, too.
Like spring and summer, I fall to You,
and all I want to know is if You can heal me;
and all I want to know is if You're still listening, God;
and all I want to know is if You're still there, God.

The leaves have been changing outside, and in their brilliant displays of reds and yellows and oranges, I find myself marveling at how beautiful change and the cycle of death and regeneration are in life. The problem is that I feel as though my soul is failing to regenerate this time - as though I've run out steam in the dying process.

There are times when I wonder if I'll ever know the springtime understanding of freshness and new life. It's easy to crawl into a hole and hibernate, and much more difficult to crawl out and embrace a new season where everything is unfamiliar and uncertain (you never know when you'll get a snowstorm in May!).

And, yet, I am beginning to see that I am in desperate need of Spring in my soul.

So, why don't You shine? Come on, shine on me,
and give me the faith I want to believe?

I believe. I said, "I believe." No one's gonna take away that from me.

Perhaps that's where it starts - with understanding that no one can negate that Christ died and rose and conquered that death and my sin for me. Why do I not understand this daily? Why can I so seemingly move from activity to extra busyness and forget why I live in the first place?

No one can take Christ from me - not even me!

So why don't You shine? Come on, shine on me.
I know You will shine on me.
I know You're going to shine on me,
and You'll give me the faith I know to believe.

Seasons change - Well, I change, too.
Like spring and summer, I fall back to You.

I don't know how to handle what is coming.

I am perfectly certain that this next season will not be easy for me to bear. Regardless, it will be fruitful and it will be full of my stepping out in faith in new ways, hoping to see and know the One who has saved me in new ways.

Some days, I wear struggle like a piece of clothing. Today was one of those days.

And when those days are here, I pray I remember Christ is my strength - and fall back to Him.

[[words from "Mountains High Valleys Low" by Phillip LaRue]]

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes...

How fickle my heart

I cannot begin to describe how fickle my heart is. When it comes to change, to "irresolution, or instability," and to not remaining "constant or loyal in affections," I fear I have become quite adept at having a fickle heart.

I'm not quite sure I know what I want out of life. My affections change daily. One day, I am entirely enraptured by my program of study in getting my master's degree; the next, I am antsy and simply cannot wait to be done. One day, I weep at the knowledge that I am saved by the grace of a living and loving God; the next, I act as though I have no idea of who He is or the fact that He wants to spend time with me.

My heart is capricious in every form:

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?" [[Jeremiah 17:9]]

And how woozy my eyes /
I struggle to find any truth in your lies

Perhaps the biggest thing I've noticed lately is that I seem "stupidly confused" and "muddled." I don't act intelligently. It appears that I can't even decipher truth and keep myself from falling into pits of despair when lies present themselves before me.

I have forgotten who I am, and especially who God views me as - a beloved daughter, a righteous saint! Instead, I am caught up in who (and what) I'm not - perfect. I see my imperfections at every turn in my lack of desire, my selfish tendencies, and my seeming inability to be faithful.

And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know /
My weakness, I feel, I must finally show

All of this leads me, naturally to the place where I have such little faith in what I don't know. For instance, I have no idea just what God has planned for me when I finish this program - I don't even know if I'll have a job next semester! And, yet, I've stumbled so often in trying to plan around these great unknowns, rather than trusting the One who knows them all.

Therein lies my greatest weakness. I fail to trust God.

It seems as though it would come intrinsically enough for me, someone raised in a Christian home and who has seen God's provision and direction for 25 years... But I've rarely seen my own need as much as I have of late.

And the exposure to my need has revealed that I do not trust God as I ought. It is so much easier to "lean on my own understanding," as Proverbs says. It is too easy to see myself as wise and capable than it is to turn over all that I do not know to someone else.

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all /
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall

There is a blessed sweetness in fellowship. Inside of it, there seems to be the ability to conquer anything and everything that comes our way. But, even with others by my side, I look to our ability to conquer - not God's. If left to me, I would "just let you fall." I cannot conquer on my own. In all honesty, I'm beginning to believe that I cannot conquer at all.

"If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy, I could have won."
[[Mumford & Sons, "I Gave You All"]]

The reason is simply that I'm apathetic - and I'd love to know why. Perhaps I am ignoring the raging battle that pits joy against my depressive tendencies. Perhaps I indulge my flesh more than I ought. Perhaps I do not know what true desire looks like.

But it tends to follow me, this apathy. I long to long for Christ, yet I find it difficult to obtain. My apathy is my biggest enemy, and that means I have a lengthy and difficult battle ahead of me. I can't let it keep winning. There is no victory if I let it win, and I have been called to victory:

"... in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." [[Romans 8:37]]

Lend me your eyes - I can change what you see

It is not unusual for me to desire new eyes. I have been legally blind since middle school and have had a desire to see without aid for many of those years.

But in my physical blindness, I have failed to see my spiritual blindness. I need new eyes! The thing is that I can't just pop them in like I do with my contacts - I need the scales to be lifted from my heart. I cannot continue in apathy and expect to see the glorious grace that God has bestowed upon both my life and the world around me.

But your soul you must keep totally free

Anyone who knows me well understands that I see life rather negatively. It is unusual for me to experience lightness and freedom of heart, and it is far more usual for me to feel the burden and weight of what seems to be the whole world on my shoulders. Life is a responsibility to me - and only when the responsibility is covered do I feel I can actually experience freedom.

Sadly, these times are few and far between. I do not understand freedom, or joy, or lightness of heart with enough frequency even to know what they look like.

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." [[Psalm 42:11, 43:5]]

So, if you think about it, please join me in praying that I might learn what freedom and joy look like - that I might abandon my apathy and understand a desire that leads to action and to the feet of Christ. It has been far too long since I sat at His feet and let myself simply be.

Awake, my soul! Awake, my soul!
For you were made to meet your Maker.

[[Headings taken from Mumford & Sons, "Awake My Soul"; Definitions from dictionary.com]]

Gratitude

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade

Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid

I have felt a large amount of overwhelmed in the last few months. I've traveled to Indiana and Montana, watched my grandmother begin recovering from a stroke and seen a new baby just days after his birth. I've watched the sun set over some of the bluest water and coolest mountains that I've seen, and I've experienced physical pain that I can't begin to describe. I've watched friends get engaged and married and seen new babies, and watched my other grandmother struggle to speak mere sentences so that we know she's still in there. I've begun counting the days until I leave my job and I've prayed fervently that God would provide Christopher with employment.

Perhaps it is all why the happy is so mixed in with the sad. Perhaps my latest grace-laden acquisition of discipline is keeping me in joy and perspective when everything is changing.

There are times when I pray that God would simply shock my system. I know that I am owed nothing and yet, day by day He pours forth grace when I know that all I deserve, sans Christ, is death and vengeance. I've been thirsty to know the Spirit's movement and afraid when I finally do. I feel I have lost a lot of who I have been in Christ, but yet I have not found Christ in lieu of my absence. I'm not quite sure what that means - I just know that it's there.

But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

I so very often fail to give thanks for even the smallest blessings, like fresh water or the idea that I can sit down and read the Spirit-inspired words written on pages in a book that is banned in several countries and neutered in our own. I do not appreciate the fact that I am able to converse with others freely, without labored speech, or consume liquids without thickening them, as my grandmothers have had need to do. My thirst can be easily quenched, regardless of whether or not God ever gives me anything. He has given me all that I could ever need for life and godliness!

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight

Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time

It is so simple to not realize the gift it is to have my husband next to me at night. We have a wonderful home and share it with good people. We sleep well. We have air conditioning! The Father in all His glory has no reason whatsoever to feed and protect us, and yet He does night after night, week after week, year after year. How dare I doubt that He has anything but good for us? But dare I assume that I understand what that good might look like?

Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead
And if we never taste that bread

Because, you see, in my years I've seen kids who have been emotionally starved by their parents but who are given everything they could ever want and I've seen families with nothing in foreign countries who give what little they have away and who are the most joyful, content people I have ever known. I've known people to experience the common grace of God through the simple act of holding a newborn in their arms or through marrying their best friend and I've known others, believers, to die without explicable reason. If all we had was taken from us, would we still give thanks to the One who orchestrated the sun to set in such a brilliant display? Would we doubt His goodness if our lot was that of the rural woman in Guatemala, trying to feed her family with whatever can be found?

Oh, the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need

Perhaps the world has messed with my head. Perhaps it is as they tell you in media studies, that everything can be interpreted either as a scheme to buy something or as a scheme to advance conformity/socialist tendencies. Regardless, I am more and more certain that the third perspective is the best one to hold - that there is no direct effect. It starts and ends in my head, with my heart. As downhere so deftly puts it, "the problem with the world is me." I do not understand what I truly have need for - I do not even process daily my need for a Savior!

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight

Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . . .

If I never finish my tea tonight or if I never walk out of bed in the morning; if the world is suddenly dark and I never again see a friend smile or find joy in something simple; if I never have children or we fail to be able to pay our bills; if I find myself paralyzed in speech and with Christ as my only companion... Would I be content? Would Christ truly be my companion? Could I find joy in silence or peace in difficult circumstances? Would I understand that I still have all that I could ever need when all I could ever want is no longer there on top of it?

In the wisdom of Martin Smith, I pray that God would "save me, from the kingdom of comfort where I am king." The heavens are certainly aware of the despot who sits on that throne.

[[Nichole Nordeman, "Gratitude"]]

in•som•ni•a |inˈsämnēə|

noun     habitual sleeplessness; inability to sleep

I had no idea the pain could be this strong

I had no idea the nights could last this long

In my darkest fears, the rights become the wrongs

I am still running; I am still running

Build me a home inside Your scars

Build me a home inside Your song

Build me a home inside Your open arms - 

the only place I ever will belong

[[Jon Foreman, "I Am Still Running" from Winter]]

The last few weeks have been somewhat brutal. I have redeveloped a level of insomnia that I haven't seen in myself for four years. Most of the evening is spent in various pursuits before I drag myself to bed thinking that I am finally ready, when I simply wake up all over again.

So many things have been happening... just one after the other. Christopher's bike was stolen; we had some family issues arise; I misplaced my wallet (which I have yet to find, still); my parents had to put down one of the puppies that they just got because he contracted Parvo virus; I worked almost full-time this week, which is crazy; we started up summer things with the Rock. Lots of changes. Lots of nights weeping as I sat awake into the strange hours of the morning. 

And, yet, while I know that God is still in control of all these things, I also know that it has been so easy for me to just want to be numb. There have been a few occasions where I cried out to God that I simply wanted to stop feeling. The emotions came and went, in severe degrees, and in such a multitude of shades that I don't think I really recognized them all.

I still haven't reconnected with everything, though. Part of me still so desperately wants to run away and hide until Christ comes to make everything right. 

But that's why the lyrics of this particular song have come to mean so much to me. Though I am numb and hurting, I am still running because Christ has rescued me and, for that, there is no other reason to truly live. I have no other home than in the scars that purchased my life for me, than the arms of the One that have forever been pursuing me to restore me to Himself. 

The pain is strong. The nights are long, especially as this insomnia has kicked into full force. My darkest fears have been brought to the surface, as so many things in my life seek to define what is truly 'right' as 'wrong'.

But I am still running, and I will continue to do so until my dying breath, because I know the One that will give it to me - and He will give me the strength to endure.

If you think of it, pray for us. We need to fully lean on Jesus and all He has promised.

Mood: Relaxed Reading: Old thoughts, song lyrics

Listening to: "Feel This" by Bethany Joy Galeotti and Enation

There's only One...

I keep listening to "There's Only One (Holy One)" by Caedmon's Call. It is full of the simple truths that I so easily forget every day. I could try and describe the effect that this song has on me every time I hear it, but it wouldn't do it justice.

(Side note: Caedmon's is in the studio again... I think it's the follow-up to Share the Well, which is the album that this song comes from [which is one of the best albums of the past few years - honest])

Thus, here you go:

Left his seamless robe behind
Woke up in a stable crying
Lived and died and rose again
Savior for a guilty land

It's a story like a children's tune
And it's grown familiar as the moon
So now I ride my camel high
And I'm aiming for the needle's eye

I chased the wind, but I chased in vain
I chased the earth, but it would not sustain

There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
When all around my soul gives way
He is all my hope and stay
There's only one, only one Holy One

Lord, You are my Prince of Peace
But this war brings me to my knees
See there's a table You've prepared
And all my enemies are there
But where my Shepherd leads
Where else can I go
Who else fills my cup till it overflows

There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
When all around my soul gives way
He is all my hope and stay
There's only one, only one Holy One

There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
To the Solid Rock I fly
Though He bids me come and die
There's only one, only one Holy One