27 September 2005

Five.5 Painful Hours

No offense to the Poudre School District, but their meetings are not the most riveting experience a college student will ever have. Granted, there were a few outbursts, praises and interesting presentations, but things were repeated and repeated and repeated. And it was really hot.

I'm done complaining, as I've certainly done my share today. Sorry 'bout that.

Anyway, I had a midnight deadline for this story, so I came back and typed up my notes before writing a two.5-page article. Honestly, it is the best piece I've written for the class and the most-deserving of a good grade. I actually put effort into this piece, even though it didn't have any "heart" to it. I haven't been pleased with anything I've written so far this semester, so to have written something that I actually think as "good" is a big thing for me.

Just watch... I'll probably fail the assignment or something. Irony works like that. Oh well.

When I got back from the meeting, I was over on the south side because the Broncos/Chiefs game was on and I wanted to see what was left of the game. I was just really irritated due to stress... and then, all of a sudden, I let myself think and I almost crumbled because I realized just how much I miss my brother.

The past four years, John and I have grown increasingly closer. Even when I've been in the Fort for school, it was rare that I went more than two or three weeks without seeing him and we normally talked once or twice a week.

Since he's been in California for school, though, we keep playing phone tag and my schedule's hectic and his is busy. I don't know when the last time I really talked to him was. It's been three weeks since I saw him last (I was home for Labor Day) and I won't get to see him until Thanksgiving.

I miss him so much and it doesn't make it any easier to know that he's dealing with college stuff like roommate issues and focusing and finding quiet. I feel so disconnected and it bites.

God has both of us where we are for a reason. He has this separation time for a purpose. I just miss my little brother.

Hopefully, I will get the chance to call him tomorrow. I think he's got free time in the afternoon when I do (granted, I'm done at 11:30am, so that's not hard).

My roomie is having surgery tomorrow and, to be honest, it's been kind of creepy because she's been writing letters to everyone and putting together a will and such. I trust that she'll be fine, but it still weirds me out.

Lots of prayer tomorrow, I guess. It's a good thing I like talking to Jesus.

Bedtime now. I'm really beat.

Tomorrow is a new day... Praise the Lord!

Mood: Beat Listening to: everybodyduck, Seized by the Power of a Great Affection
Reading: Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

26 September 2005

"Why go I mourning?" [[Psalm 42:9]]

He was better to me than all my hopes;
He was better than all my fears;
He made a bridge of my broken works,
And a rainbow of my tears.
The billows that guarded my sea-girt path,
But carried my Lord on their crest;
When I swell on the days of my wilderness march
I can lean on His love for the rest.

He emptied my hands of my treasured store,
And His covenant love revealed,
There was not a wound in my aching heart,
But the balm of His breath hath healed.
Oh, tender and true was the chastening sore,
In wisdom, that taught and tried,
Till the soul that He sought was trusting in Him,
And nothing on earth beside.

He guided by paths that I could not see,
By ways that I have not known;
The crooked and straight, and the rough was plain
As I followed the Lord alone.
I praise Him still for the pleasant palms,
And the water-springs by the way,
For the glowing pillar of flame by night,
And the sheltering cloud by day.

Never a watch on the dreariest halt,
But some promise of love endears;
I read from the past, that my future shall be
Far better than all my fears.
Like the golden pot, of the wilderness bread,
Laid up with the blossoming rod,
All safe in the ark, with the law of the Lord,
Is the covenant care of my God.

[[Author unknown, from "Streams in the Desert" by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman]]

23 September 2005

Stilling 'Even Me'

The past few weeks have been quite a change from the first few weeks of the semester.

In the beginning, everything was coming toward me at once, everything demanded my attention. Now, I'm trying to learn how to rest, how to slow down.

Slowing down is so difficult for me to do... I like to be busy, to have something to occupy myself with. So rarely will I take the time to just sit and be alone.

Why the sudden change of pace?

Every once in a while, I go through a stage where I become extremely anti-social. It's not that I don't want to spend time with people (because I love doing so and wish I could do so more), it's just that I can only take so much before my head starts to hurt and I just want to curl up under a blanket and sleep.

I've been trying to balance being social and being on my own, and so far, it seems to be working all right. It's good for me to force myself into silence as much as it is good for me to be placed in positions of fellowship.

This, too, shall pass. Soon enough, I will be social again and I'll be a changed child of God (again, as always).

I am so incredibly blessed; I pray my lack of desire for social interaction would not dampen my witness here in the hall and on-campus.

"Beautiful Confusion" was written about a month ago under some very interesting circumstances that are almost completely opposite of those I am now experiencing (and which I have no complaints about).

In stark contrast stands what I wrote this afternoon:

The stillness that surrounds me
echoes the timbre of my heart.
For in this blessed quietness,
conversation is an art.

This peace that flows like rivers to the open sea
Reminds me I am placed just where I am to be.

My Father knows me -
He reads each thought upon my mind.
My Father loves me -
and His sacrifice is mine.
My Father sees me -
I am forever in His sight.

Yes, me.
Even me.

Perhaps none of this actually makes sense and I'm just rambling, but sometimes, it's okay to ramble. And sometimes, it is okay to go to sleep, which I am going to do right now.

Stillness and quiet and rest. May we know more with every day.

Mood: Tired Listening to: Exit East, Exit East
Reading: C.S. Lewis, The Silver Chair

Beautiful Confusion

This beautiful confusion,
with peace so sweet -
It bids me sit at my Savior's feet.

This beautiful confusion,
out of restless heart and will -
It bids me come and, at His toes, be still.

For what have I gained if I plant my own thoughts?
And what have I gained if everything is lost?

This beautiful confusion,
a simple open door -
Bids me remember what this life is for.

For in beautiful confusion,
I fear not the coming day -
It bids me sleep in peace,
with worry far away.

©2005 Alyssa Kate Grinstead

20 September 2005

Ink on My Hand

Well, I have another list going on the back of my hand... it's just that this one is taking a lot longer to mark stuff off on.

Shall I explain?

I'm too lazy to take it out, but I will... probably today.

This I already did. It consisted of checking my computer to see if I have a copy of Adobe PageMaker. I don't. Well... I kind of do, but it's not working.

I did this, too... in fact, this item and the one above it are the only things that I have marked off of my hand. I typed up my first two assignments and finished the fourth. Good stuff.

E337 Paper
Ah... Western Myth. Paper #1. Due tomorrow. Still have 1/2 page left (but at least I am working on it and started before 1am the morning it's due, right?). Anyway... this will get done before 2pm because I'm determined 1) to be done with it and 2) to go with Chris to Niwot.

320 Rewrite
I really do not like Reporting. My half-baked, not-really-caring-at-all effort of last week panned out to be about the same as my attempt while on drugs. That certainly should motivate me to work harder, right? Nope. I have to rewrite it by Friday (although I don't have to do too much). Only 10 more weeks to go...

Man, oh man, do I need to do laundry. Well... I don't really have to, but I either have to do laundry or iron stuff and since I hate ironing stuff... laundry it is. Probably tomorrow. Clean clothes would be nice.

I have needed to do dishes for about two weeks. It hasn't happened yet. Maybe I'll do that before 2pm, too... Gotta aim high and see how productive I can be.

We need an icebreaker question for Bible study tonight and I'm really bad at coming up with them. Any ideas? Let me know.

Post Office
I have a package for Laura sitting in my room with a Waiting CD and a card in it, and I have yet to get to the post office to send it to her. But I want to. And she wants the CD. And I've already delayed the card 'cause I wrote it over a week ago. I should get that sent. Probably tomorrow.

Check for Mom
Like normal, I owe my mother money. How much? I don't know. It's possibly in the quarter-million-dollar range, but she'll only make me pay $25-30. I need to find the receipt and figure that out and then put a check in the mail.

Gilmore Girls is on tonight and I aim to watch it sometime later this week (because I have more pressing things to do than to schedule my life around a TV show). So... I need to set the VCR.

I am sure that there are a ton of other things that I need to do, as well... especially considering the numerous other deadlines I have the rest of this week, but I don't really care right now. And I should really utilize this class for its purpose - working on my PageMaker project (especially since it turns out that I don't have a copy of the program at home).

That's all for now. I'm going to work now. I think. :)

Mood: Bored Listening to: Nothing... my iPod battery needs charging
Reading: Font size guidelines

18 September 2005

Do I actually live here?

The past few days, I haven't really lived in my room at all... I haven't really even lived in the dorms (not that I'm complaining... 'cause it's been really nice to get out), but anyway...

Thursday was Chris' birthday and I went with him to the small group he's a part of on Thursday nights (with a bunch of people I already know)... we made chicken enchilada casserole stuff and the boys made homemade salsa (which packed a punch) and it was all wonderfully good. Abra also made Chris a German chocolate cake, which was very good.

Chris and I walked back to the dorms, which was nice (even though it was a cold night). We hung out for a while and, because I was falling asleep standing up (well... kind of), I went to bed.

I didn't go to either of my classes Friday (I made Dave go to Myth and it was the day after an exam in Media History, so I'm not too worried about 'em)... I slept instead and it was delightful. I needed a day off.

But I didn't (exactly) get a day off, as I had to write my article for 320 (which I did very quickly and at the last possible minute). I took Chris shopping with his birthday money (because his car battery is fried)... That was fun.

I went out with Emily and Lauren last night, which I haven't done in a while, but it was good to sit around a table, talk, eat chocolate and watch them attempt to consume one alcoholic beverage apiece (because they're lightweights... so it's funny). I am so incredibly blessed to have good friends from CREW that I can still hang out with for hours.

When I returned home, Chris and I took a walk, which I enjoyed. Afterward, I broke out the Iliad (or tried to, much to Chris' dismay) and managed to get through 10 pages before I realized that I was exhausted and had absolutely no idea whatsoever what the plot was (and I was really tired).

But I laid down on the couch with a blanket on me (in Chris' room) and wound up sleeping there the whole night because I was comfortable and because no one sleeps in there anyway (except on random occasions).

At a quarter to 8 this morning, Chris came in and woke me up because we were going to go climb Grey Rock just north of here. We went and I think I got about halfway up (maybe?) before I started getting a headache and felt really thirsty (a good sign that you're dehydrated, which I don't doubt that I was). So, the two of us went back down and waited (for a few hours) for everyone else to join us.

From 1 to 4pm, I had worship practice for the retreat (coming up in two weeks), which was good. Tonight, we went to church and then to dinner, where Chris and I both had former professors at the next table over (the professors are married), so he eavesdropped a little and it was entertaining.

Good food. Good company.

Now that I have hung out some (trying to be more social) and talked with some of the girls that I haven't seen in a while, I am in my room listening to the new Switchfoot album, which finally showed up today, and I am more than ready to go to sleep before I wake up to go to church in the morning (I get to be the "outsider" now, but that's okay - I want to go).

I am so blessed. Still peaceful. Still content. Still happy.

And sleepy. So... I'm going to go try to get rid of that now.

Mood: Sleepy Listening to: Switchfoot, Nothing is Sound
Reading: Homer, Iliad

15 September 2005

Why "Open Lab" doesn't work...

So... in the past week, I have managed to waste five hours of open lab time doing absolutely nothing but checking my email and looking for stuff online (that, granted, I do need for my article and for my production class, but still...)

I am extremely unproductive. I work best on deadline. Having three weeks to do a project or a week to write an article when I have all that I need at home seems silly to me when I'm sitting in a computer lab and I'm supposed to be doing something.

Oh well.

My stomach is growling. It's hungry (that's normally what that means, I'm told).

But, yeah... the last few days have been pretty good. A little rocky with some things, but I should still make deadline this week on everything that I need to get done, so praise God for that!

Too bad I can't bring myself to sit down and read for 24 hours straight or so. I have to start the Iliad for Western Myth and I can't bring myself to do it.

Not to mention I have a paper due in that class on Wednesday. I should work on that.

Ope! And I have an article due tomorrow... and a slew of other things to work on. And I should be reading...

But today is a day off (again) with the exception of an interview or two for the article I'm writing. That'll be nice. Bare minimum strikes yet again.

I got to sing on worship team last night, which was fun even though I couldn't hear anything and we really hadn't practiced all together. It just means that God was in control all the more. I'm really excited to be able to serve in that capacity again this semester... I have worship practice Saturday for the retreat, which has me stoked.

I miss my brother, though... we keep playing phone tag. What good are free minutes if you can't even get ahold of your family member because he's in another state?

Seriously, though... don't let John touch your iPod. He's not so lucky in that department (soon to be on #4).

I keep bouncing from subject to subject because I'm sitting here with Emily and we're looking at random stuff online, like hostels in Europe and all. We want to go back.

I used to do this in 211 last semester. I don't think I really worked in class... I just knew I had to show up for a certain period of time. My email would be checked, my blog updated, pop culture news would magically work its way into my brain,... LOL.

The worst thing about being a JT major is that you have to keep up with the news. All of it.

Just because Britney Spears is of no interest to you personally, it doesn't give you an excuse to not know she had a baby boy yesterday.

Which she did. Let's just hope I'm not required to know the name.

Even I don't care about my major that much. :)

Hope all is well... I'm going to pretend to do some more work now.

Mood: Ornery Listening to: Switchfoot, Nothing is Sound
Reading: My brother's blog... http://treesofthepalmpersuasion.blogspot.com/

13 September 2005


On April 25, I wrote this in my prayer journal:

"Lord - I know nothing now but to fall at Your feet. I know not peace. I know not rest. But I know You, Lord - May that be super-sufficient."

That night, I had a dream that struck me as odd.

I have always dreamt of being abandoned, stood up or deceived, but in this one, whoever it was with me stayed.

Crazy, isn't it? I mean, our subconscious fears are only accentuated when things go wrong in life. The dreams started before my trust issues started... and they continued until April 25.

On April 26, I wrote Psalm 116:7 in my prayer journal:

"Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you."

I thought I was heading for peace; God knew I was entering into a preparation time that would end with me laid bare before Him.

A young man came to me on April 26, not knowing what to expect. I was honest with him.

And every day from then until a few weeks ago, I asked myself, "Why couldn't I just say 'yes'?"

But I couldn't say otherwise. And I refused to say otherwise unless I was sure... afraid of the unseen (and seen) motives of my heart.

I spent the summer questioning, wondering what would happen once I was back here at school. I refused to let myself dwell on the situation more than necessary, but I kept drifting back to it... always asking the same question.

Over the last few weeks, I have been laid bare before the Lord.

I have been split open and had some things wrenched from my grasp that I had placed there and kept there for no reason; I have known such agony knowing that I had caused such pain and that I had the ability to cause even more; I was tempted so many times to just give in.

But I held out, knowing full well that if my motives were not pure, what would be the point?

The first weekend back, I unknowingly laid a fleece before the Lord (like Gideon).

I passed off everything I felt as emotion and attempted the disentangling of my heart, attempting to find the peace and rest that were lost far before April 25.

While at home last weekend, I was reading over some of my latest entries in my prayer journal and I came before my fleece, finally recognizing it for what it was... I realized that I could not take it back, nor did I want to.

If I am foolish enough to dare God to move, who am I to withdraw before I let Him answer?

But there's the rub... it's all foolishness and stubbornness.

My heart was prepared for last week by the last four months.

And in my state of readiness, Chris came forward again and, this time, I had a different answer.

I have never known such a persistent peace.

"A heart at peace gives life to the body." [[Proverbs 14:30a]]

How true it is! I am so incredibly blessed to have been given Chris.

He will be there when I come back. He'll stay. He's in. I'm in. There is no half-way.

And I'm happy, which is a weird thing for me... but I'm getting better at it.

The whole timing this is funny, though, 'cause it definitely was not ours.

In every way, the timing is God's and it is for a purpose... even though I don't understand why it has to be when my roommate is having a hard time or why it has to be when another friend is dealing with a similar situation.

I feel helpless at times... I want to fix things, but I can't fix these things. All I can do is ask what I can do and receive the answer of "nothing".

And in the meantime, I have become very good at getting nothing done... I can deal with that, though. I just worry for those around us who are in a season where God is withholding peace for whatever reason.

But perhaps it wasn't God withholding peace... perhaps it was merely my foolishness and my stubbornness stirring up conflict within myself just so that I wasn't at peace. I didn't recognize it then, but I fear that was the pattern.

I like running from peace. But no more.

No more closed doors. No more ambiguity. No more getting work done. :)

Praise the God who has mercy on us and directs us despite our stubbornness!

"I passed understanding a long, long time ago
And the simple home of systems and answers we all know
What I thought I wanted, what I got instead
Leaves me broken and somehow peaceful

I keep wanting You to be fair
But that’s not what You said
I want certain answers to these prayers
But that’s not what You said

When I get to heaven I’m gonna go find Job
I want to ask a few hard questions, I want to know what he knows
About what it is he wanted and what he got instead
How to be broken and faithful

[[Sara Groves, "What I Thought I Wanted"]]

God gives good gifts to His children in His timing... it just takes a while sometimes. 'Night.

Mood: Reflective Listening to: Sara Groves, The Other Side of Something
Reading: My (old) prayer journal

12 September 2005

Why do we need Mondays?

I got up and went to class, where we still managed to not finish discussing Gilgamesh and then got out of history early because we have an exam Wednesday and he finished our material...

Let me say, I really do not like "reporting". I like my professor. I like that she was a media theorist so we get classes like today where we talk about the media's role in creating hegemonic stereotypes (I really like that stuff).

But I don't like reporting.

I wrote my first story while I was on Vicodin and received the second-highest grade in the class. I wrote the re-write on very little sleep, thanks to Chris (it's always a blame game around here), and received the highest grade for my rewrite.

Did I mention that I did very little work on this article? Did I mention that I was on drugs?

There just doesn't seem to be much of a point.

Anyway, while I was in Reporting I checked my billing stuff online to see if my scholarship check had cleared yet. Well... only half of it cleared and since the 'rents are out-of-town and that stuff is all due today, I have to go to the bank and transfer money from my savings so that I can write a check and get it in to the cashier before closing today.

Stupid scholarship stuff. Why can't they just make it easy?

Other than that, though, I'm pretty good. I just have a very long list of things to do written in black ink on my left hand.

And I miss my brother, who started orientation at CalPoly today. But I don't know when I'm going to be able to do that. :(

Time to work on the list now... and get stuff straightened out. That would be good.

Mood: Slightly frazzled Listening to: Switchfoot, Nothing is Sound
Reading: Acts

11 September 2005

How appropriate...

I passed understanding a long, long time ago
And the simple home of systems and answers we all know
What I thought I wanted, what I got instead
Leaves me broken and somehow peaceful

[["What I Thought I Wanted" - Sara Groves, from The Other Side of Something]]

Amazing how God works, huh? I'm going to go sit at His feet now.

Mood: Good Listening to: Sara Groves, The Other Side of Something
Reading: Acts

All has become new...

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"
[[2 Corinthians 5:17]]

Since beginning work as a counselor at MTR more than six years ago, I have heard that verse time and again.

At times, I have had to claim it for myself; at others, I have had to claim it for campers, friends, and family.

The grace of God covers every stain, every mistake... all who come to Him in true repentance are clean before Him.

But what about guilt? What about forgiving ourselves? There's the rub!

He died to set men free!

We have the freedom to rise up from the depths which He has rescued us from and know His blessed forgiveness and salvation - Christ is the Gospel!

And through His shed blood, we are new creatures in His sight - as far as the East is from the West, so far has our sin been taken from us. Praise the Lord!

And praise the Lord that He has grace for the stubborn and foolish (like me).

Praise Him for summer evenings, for spring rains, for roommates, for good brothers and special ones, for the little people (aka "children"), for making us uncomfortable, for changing us, for blessing us beyond what we deserve or need, for best friends who send hand-drawn trophies for silly things, for late nights talking about things that matter and, most of all, praise God for the forgiveness that He not only gives, but allows us to give.

Agape. God's love.


Mood: Content Listening to: Smalltown Poets, Third Verse
Reading: Um... my attempts to read aren't so great right now... :)

Because All I See is Me (Repost)

Because all I see is me, if I were to take a good look at myself, all I would see would be the dirt, the scratches and the scars left behind by various battles, and I would see that I am completely unfinished.

Because all I see is me, I would notice each discoloration, area of weakness, and every imperfection.

And I, as a lump of clay, being fashioned into a pot by the Potter, would complain about it.

Of course, God looks down at me in surprise that I would, in the words of a friend of mine, “mouth off” to my Maker, and yet, He refuses to smash me, no matter how simple it would be to do so.

Instead, He simply smiles and carefully removes the clay where He’s given me a mouth, and begins to refashion it into an ear.

He takes a crimson stain and covers up all of my discolorations, takes the purest water and washes away all the dirt that once was upon me, and holds up a mirror to show that the scratches and scars left behind form the most intricate of patterns.

Slowly, He redistributes some of the clay from my strongest spots to those that are my weakest, strengthening them in a way that I could never accomplish on my own.

Into my newly formed ear, He states firmly and clearly:

“Because all I see is you, My child, where you see ugly scars, I see marks of character, set just where they make the best design; where you see discolorations, I see only the color of My Son’s blood, spilt so that you would not have to know life apart from Me. I see nothing in you that I cannot use.”

And, then, I am placed into the fire in order to make me firm enough to use.

It is then that I realize I never did anything – that all I ever could do was “do the job of clay ” and rest in the Potter’s hands.

And it is then, I realize, that He always finishes.

©2004 Alyssa Kate Grinstead
[[originally published at saLt on 01.31.2004]]

09 September 2005


God moves in mysterious and mighty ways.

I am more at peace and more joyful than I have been in months.

Did I mention I'm happy? 'Cause I'm really happy.

That's all. No more words.

Mood: Indescribable Listening to: Switchfoot, Nothing is Sound
Reading: The clock - it says it's late

06 September 2005

The Fam

I was blessed to spend most of the weekend at home with my family. I ate some amazing food, caught up on some reading, spent time with my brother, did random chores and stuff...

I am constantly reminded of how much God has blessed me by placing me in the family that I am a part of. Not only are my parents strong believers, but they are also very loving people.

Yesterday afternoon, I went to grab something from the refrigerator and I noticed that there was a new picture on the right door.

For years, we have sponsored children through different programs and, for the past five or so, we have sponsored children through Compassion International.

We have a new little sister.

As Daddy jokes, "We're adopting Peru - one kid at a time".

Stefanny, 7, Yesenia, 8, and Edgar, 10, have become a part of our extended family. For a long time, my parents have wanted to send them a picture of our family, so we took one this afternoon (as it will be the last time for a while that we will all be together).

My experiences at home seem such a contrast to what I am feeling now.

At home, I was able to get away from some things that the Fort has come to mean to me. When I got back, it was as though I was hit by an emotional two-by-four as soon as I walked through the door.

I cannot live permanently in the way that I lived tonight. I can't even try.

Why do we speak at all, when all speech seems to do is cause more problems?

Do people even realize when they tell someone something that upsets him or her?

I don't know. I don't think I even really want to know.

Is all this anguish worth it? My head says "no," but my heart resounds with "yes."

I don't listen to my heart enough. Maybe I'll work on that. 'Night.

Mood: Irritated Listening to: Hawk Nelson, Letters to the President
Reading: Old emails

05 September 2005

The Impossible...

I just finished cleaning my brother out at Monopoly.

And he has a very entertaining video of my realization that I owned the whole board.

I never win at Monopoly.

I'm pretty sure there will be a rematch at Thanksgiving.

Oh yeah! Bring it on! :)

04 September 2005

Candidness and Sufficiency

"You are my portion, O Lord; I have promised to obey Your words. I have sought Your face with all my heart; be gracious to me according to Your promise."
[[Psalm 119:57-58]]

I have never been one for candidness in my journals. I have always shied away from specific names and describing in detail the situations in which I find myself.

And yet, somewhere in the past few weeks, my prayer journal has gone from its typical generalities to a string of specific names, situations and, most strangely, questions.

I have never been one for candidness in my questions. I have never been one for candidness in voicing my desires.

And yet, somewhere in the past few weeks, my prayer journal has gone from its typical "Thy will be done" to a string of specific questions and desires that I fear I will never see answered.

But I am learning to surrender them all the more.

Dare I ask for something that I want, knowing that there is absolutely nothing more that I need than the salvation that my Savior so graciously provides?

And yet, He longs to give good gifts to His children - not necessarily things that are needed, but things that are wanted and are still in His will for our lives.

Perhaps my candidness with God began when my candidness with others ceased.

I spent the first week of school in a series of deep conversations with good friends and wound up talking too much. The urge to catch up and see where the others were at led me to a point where I felt I had let my tongue run loose.

And then I became almost silent in comparison.

A good friend and I talked for a long time on Monday night (I went to bed at 5:30am Tuesday). He felt a pull towards fasting; he asked me to join him and I agreed to.

We agreed to a three-day fast, focusing on something different each day. On any day, we were only allowed to carry to God in prayer the day's request and on no day could we discuss anything to do with the third day.

Day ONE: The Promise
The Holy Spirit Poured Out
*The two of us spent the day in prayer that the Holy Spirit would be poured out upon our campus. We fasted from food and water until a time when we could meet and be united in prayer. To remind us that this world is without Christ, without salt, all we ate were unsalted crackers and water.
*What did I learn?
#1) I like food a lot more than I would ever like to admit.
#2) I do not pray for God's work on campus nearly enough.

Day TWO: The Need
Unity of the Body
*We spent the day praying that the local body of believers would stand united and as one in the salvation of Christ. We fasted from food and water with the exception of two or three times during the day, at which we ate crackers and drank water in remembrance that the body of Christ was broken for all who believe, not just one person or one local church body.
*What did I learn?
#1) The Lord is Jehovah Nissi - the one standard over all of us.
#2) One can be full - even when in deep and obvious hunger.

Day THREE: The Desire
Our Own Hearts
*After two days of claiming God's promises and seeking His will in matters that did not apply to our own selfish desires, we decided to pray in boldness about what God desires of us in the area of relationships. I personally have never felt comfortable bringing my desires before the Lord - I am always afraid that admitting what I want is the equivalent of saying that I will never be able to have it. Because our words seem to be a major problem in this area, we fasted from speech for a large portion of the day.
*What did I learn?
#1) I can have peace in my circumstances - even if I don't have what I want.
#2) I am able to boldly approach the throne of grace and present my desires to God.

Granted, things are bound to be complicated for a while still. It's all a part of me being who I am and the life that God has placed into (and blessed me with).

If things weren't complicated, I'd be done with school and married... :) But that won't happen for at least a little over a year still. God knows I wouldn't stay in school if I had the opportunity to be married.

But He will not let me slip. He does not slumber, but watches me day and night.

He will not give me more than the two of us cannot handle together.

There is purpose in where my heart currently lies; His power is sufficient and made perfect in my weakness.

And yes, I am weak. I admit it. I'll be candid here, too.

But He is fully sufficient. I need nothing else to fill or to satisfy me - not even food.

If this week has taught me anything, it is that.

Mood: Reflective Listening to: Something Like Silas, Divine Invitation
Reading: Brooks, Pinson & Sissors, The Art of Editing

01 September 2005

My Prayer

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer."
[[Psalm 19:14]]

The end in sight...

THREE: Our Own Hearts

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
[[Psalm 37:4, NIV]]

"Be soft and pliable to the most high covenant God and He will answer your petitions for wisdom and understanding."
[[Psalm 37:4, mine]]

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks find; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!"
[[Matthew 7:7-11, NIV]]

"Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God. And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
[[Philippians 4:6-7, Amplified]]