Compulsion

I'm not sure what compels me to post anything today, of all days. I haven't written for at least six months for various reasons that I won't go into now, and I was sporadic - at best - for the few years before that.

There's something that is beginning to compel me. And I do not know what it is.

Over the past year, I have struggled in trying to rediscover some of the things that I love, but that I have lost in the transition to 'adulthood' - the transition to working six-hour blocks of time instead of attending classes sporadically; to cleaning up not only after myself, but trying to serve my husband by doing the same for him; to having 'adult' relationships where previous friendships are maintained but not furthered; to feeling like I'm censoring myself.

Now, don't get me wrong. I count all things, even writing freely in such arenas as this blog, loss for the sake of Christ and for the purposes to which He has called me. 

But I fear I have lost all ability to be open with others about where I currently am in life. The arenas with which I am the most comfortable all seem to have been taken from me, and I have yet to adjust successfully. 

Which might be why, tonight, I have just written my first song since last fall. I fear there are a hundred songs rolling circles in my head that will never see any light whatsoever, for I never let myself focus on recording such things anymore - perhaps I need to let go all the connotation and dreams I associate with whatever music I might claim as 'my own'.

I am just a beggar who gives alms.

That line sticks with me these days. Who am I to even consider that my life should go where I want it to, instead of to where God has so meticulously planned every detail? 

But how can I know? How can I be sure that what God has for me isn't music or graduate school or book-writing or a hundred other things that I have dreamed of since I was 3 years old, standing at the window and singing hymns?

How my faith falters! 

But I have no other choice in this waiting game, and I know God will grow me in patience - apparently, He sees in my future a great need for it.

Regardless, I may begin posting here again more often; though I will certainly try to control my ranting and focus more on other things. Maybe I'll just start writing music again.

It would certainly be about time.

Listening to: "The Beggar Who Gives Alms" from downhere's Ending is Beginning

Reading: Ecclesiastes and The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova

***

Tonight

©Alyssa Kate Reynolds (April 27, 2009)

I wish I knew how this is meant to go together - 

how it shines with provision when the other side is found.

I wish I knew how this is to be processed by my heart - 

how to react to Your steady hand as I stand upon its ground.

But I guess this is where faith meets its feet -

I guess this is where I find that I need You.

I wish I knew what it is my heart is truly wanting - 

what it is it wants from this life and from its time.

I wish I knew what it is that is worth the minute’s ticking - 

what brings You the most praise, and what brings me less of mine.

But I guess this is where faith meets its feet - 

I guess this is where I find that I need You.

Can I rest in You tonight? In the place beneath Your wings,

can I carve away a little place and hide?

Can I rest in You tonight? In the throne-room, at your feet,

can I lay here and weep in the deep and wide?

And I guess this is where faith can’t be found on its own - 

I guess this is where I find that I am not alone!

In this beautiful hollow, beneath Your able wings - 

I know that I am safe here, in the presence of my King.

And I can rest in You tonight.