I don't sleep well at home. It's too weird to not have someone breathing in the same room as me.
And, for whatever reason, I just can't manage to turn my brain off.
I miss people. I'm always thinking of what else I have to do. The pile of stuff on my floor overwhelms me. There always seems to be pressure to work and, when I can't find work, to keep looking.
It's just that job-hunting is one of my most-despised things to do. I always feel I'm being rude or out-of-line when I walk into a store and ask if they're hiring. But I do it anyway. And, still, no work.
I just have to keep praying that this summer will be different - that I'll manage to find enough work to keep me busy and to keep my mind off of my habitual thought patterns.
For so many people, summer means freedom but, for me, it so often just seems like a waste of my time.
I've got to figure that one out.
A few things did get checked off of my list today, though, so I'm grateful for that. Tomorrow, I hope to accomplish more (including a job interview and some errands for my parents). There's too much to do and too much time to do it in (from my current point of view) - that just isn't enough motivation for me.
Right now, I'm looking at this insanely long list and my only response is that I can get started on it but, from now, I still have three months to get everything done - that's not purposeful or productive at all.
And I can hardly say that it glorifies God at all to have that attitude.
Which I'm working on, see... I need to glorify God in everything, even when it's not what I would have chosen for myself, because He has chosen this time for a specific purpose whether I understand it or not.
I can trust in that sovereignty, though I so often fail in doing so.
Just hit my head on the wall accidentally, so I guess it's time for me to try and sleep. If this keeps up for another week and a half, Insomniac Summer No. 2 will have struck. Please pray that doesn't happen.
Mood: Worn Listening to: Nothing, to be honest
Reading: The clock - it says "Tue 2:28 AM" [[why can I not sleep?]]
"Those that cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs." [[Jonah 2:8]]
16 May 2006
14 May 2006
Stretching
There are some things that never get easier. To be honest, I'm beginning to wonder if they just become harder.
In so many ways, I wish this season could be different, but I know it is as it is for a reason and, so, I look forward to it and battle it all at the same time.
But I can't live like this!
I can't just turn off my emotions, either. They taint everything, changing my perspective, causing it to loom about one specific area of my life.
Maybe it just needs to be dealt with, though. Maybe I just need to get it out of my system.
I wish I knew, but I don't.
Right now, I'm feeling completely severed from everything - how can I change that?
How can I be connected and yet removed, and content yet purposeful?
I feel as though I could spend all of my energy on attempts to be content, but there is so much more for me than that! But, in my attempts to be purposeful, will I be able to be content?
I like doing one thing at a time and this is definitely not that season.
If you think about it, pray for me. Pray I get a job so that I can take my mind off of other things for at least 8 hours a day. That would be nice.
Mood: Exhausted, broken LIstening to: My blind hitting my windowsill
Reading: Ezekiel 12
In so many ways, I wish this season could be different, but I know it is as it is for a reason and, so, I look forward to it and battle it all at the same time.
But I can't live like this!
I can't just turn off my emotions, either. They taint everything, changing my perspective, causing it to loom about one specific area of my life.
Maybe it just needs to be dealt with, though. Maybe I just need to get it out of my system.
I wish I knew, but I don't.
Right now, I'm feeling completely severed from everything - how can I change that?
How can I be connected and yet removed, and content yet purposeful?
I feel as though I could spend all of my energy on attempts to be content, but there is so much more for me than that! But, in my attempts to be purposeful, will I be able to be content?
I like doing one thing at a time and this is definitely not that season.
If you think about it, pray for me. Pray I get a job so that I can take my mind off of other things for at least 8 hours a day. That would be nice.
Mood: Exhausted, broken LIstening to: My blind hitting my windowsill
Reading: Ezekiel 12
12 May 2006
At a loss for words...
Where to begin?
I am officially done with another school year and I have one semester left.
12 credits stand between me and the end of my formal education, between me and the "real world," and between me and all that I do not know.
It's incredible how much has changed in the past year - it's incredible how God blesses us even in situations that we don't see as blessings.
But they make us lean harder upon the grace that saves us and they make us learn to rest in God's sovereignty.
In the end, we know not how to be angry with God - it seems impossible to do so.
We just don't understand and battle the not-understanding, knowing that there should be peace when we can't find it, blaming ourselves when we can't get quite to where we know we need to be.
But perhaps there is a beauty in that, as well.
God has us placed where we are for reasons that we may never know; He has prepared things for us to do and seasons for us to live through for the sole purpose of teaching us how to glorify Him in all circumstances.
This summer is one of those times. I don't understand why things have lined up as they have, but I'm here, I have to return to school in the fall (instead of being done now, which was the original plan), and there is a peace and a safety in that - and I never expected to find peace or safety in these circumstances.
Laura's half-living in the basement. Mom's really excited that I'm home and she has plans for us to do that she hasn't told me about yet, which are supposed to be crazy for her, but I'm excited about that. Dad's watching hard drives on eBay so that we can dedicate not only time but storage space to a recording project. John's coming home in about a month.
And I turn 21 on Tuesday, which has me feeling rather old.
That and the fact that I took what might be my last scantron exam Wednesday. I wrote a long term paper, wrote a short paper on the ethics of MySpace, and wrote an article that I'm actually satisfied with (because I had more than enough information - that's never happened before).
This is going to be a strange summer, for certain, but God will bless it. Perhaps especially because of that.
How strange to have all of my stuff in one place again!
But another year has ended and, now, it is time to look for a job. Again. 'Night.
Mood: Exhausted, missing people Listening to: MercyMe, Spoken For
Reading: David Sedaris, Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
I am officially done with another school year and I have one semester left.
12 credits stand between me and the end of my formal education, between me and the "real world," and between me and all that I do not know.
It's incredible how much has changed in the past year - it's incredible how God blesses us even in situations that we don't see as blessings.
But they make us lean harder upon the grace that saves us and they make us learn to rest in God's sovereignty.
In the end, we know not how to be angry with God - it seems impossible to do so.
We just don't understand and battle the not-understanding, knowing that there should be peace when we can't find it, blaming ourselves when we can't get quite to where we know we need to be.
But perhaps there is a beauty in that, as well.
God has us placed where we are for reasons that we may never know; He has prepared things for us to do and seasons for us to live through for the sole purpose of teaching us how to glorify Him in all circumstances.
This summer is one of those times. I don't understand why things have lined up as they have, but I'm here, I have to return to school in the fall (instead of being done now, which was the original plan), and there is a peace and a safety in that - and I never expected to find peace or safety in these circumstances.
Laura's half-living in the basement. Mom's really excited that I'm home and she has plans for us to do that she hasn't told me about yet, which are supposed to be crazy for her, but I'm excited about that. Dad's watching hard drives on eBay so that we can dedicate not only time but storage space to a recording project. John's coming home in about a month.
And I turn 21 on Tuesday, which has me feeling rather old.
That and the fact that I took what might be my last scantron exam Wednesday. I wrote a long term paper, wrote a short paper on the ethics of MySpace, and wrote an article that I'm actually satisfied with (because I had more than enough information - that's never happened before).
This is going to be a strange summer, for certain, but God will bless it. Perhaps especially because of that.
How strange to have all of my stuff in one place again!
But another year has ended and, now, it is time to look for a job. Again. 'Night.
Mood: Exhausted, missing people Listening to: MercyMe, Spoken For
Reading: David Sedaris, Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
30 April 2006
And again, growth...
Today was a very long day, but it was worthwhile - at least in God's greater plan.
It was fun in places, irritating in others, and simply painful for large chunks of time (like the last four and a half hours), but God is still God at its end and He is still good.
I'm having difficulty deciphering my mental state right now, to be honest... so much has happened that I do not know where to begin.
And I won't tonight anyway because I am desperately in need of sleep.
In the end, peace oftens comes hand-in-hand with exhaustion. Amazing how God breaks us down to reveal to us our deepest needs.
Praise be to the Lord who reigns on high and sifts through my babbling and incoherent nature, understands me and loves me in spite of myself - all because He sees Christ's blood covering me rather than my own nature.
One issue down, one more to go... but that will work itself out, as well. I'm in good hands.
Mood: Beaten and exhausted, but peaceful Listening to: House sounds
Reading: Old letters
It was fun in places, irritating in others, and simply painful for large chunks of time (like the last four and a half hours), but God is still God at its end and He is still good.
I'm having difficulty deciphering my mental state right now, to be honest... so much has happened that I do not know where to begin.
And I won't tonight anyway because I am desperately in need of sleep.
In the end, peace oftens comes hand-in-hand with exhaustion. Amazing how God breaks us down to reveal to us our deepest needs.
Praise be to the Lord who reigns on high and sifts through my babbling and incoherent nature, understands me and loves me in spite of myself - all because He sees Christ's blood covering me rather than my own nature.
One issue down, one more to go... but that will work itself out, as well. I'm in good hands.
Mood: Beaten and exhausted, but peaceful Listening to: House sounds
Reading: Old letters
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