All I have for tonight

I just got back from spending the day with Chris' family in the Springs and it was a good day. I played with kids and got to spend some time with Chris, as well as some time with his brother and sister-in-law (who are moving this week across the country). So it was good.

But now I'm tired, so that's all I can say.

Except for the fact that downhere's Wide-eyed and Mystified is incredible. "Little is Much," "The Real Jesus," and "Remember Me" are especially incredible lyrically, but I'm in love with the whole thing. You should check it out. 'Night.

Mood: Very sleepy Listening to: downhere, Wide-eyed and Mystified
Reading: Nothing tonight - the brain is too fuzzy

And the alphabet goes like this:

"ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ"

Or at least I think it does. Right now it does. Earlier it didn't. All week it hasn't.

That's the thing about filing papers for eight hours a day. You don't always know where something goes because you don't remember the correct order of all the letters.

Oh well. It was work and work is good for me.

Too bad I'm too tired to do much of anything else.

The weekend's here, which is nice. I can sleep tomorrow and Sunday I'm going down to Colorado Springs to spend time with Chris and his family (and when I say "family," I'm pretty sure I mean just about the whole thing, but I'm not sure - that needs to be clarified). And then I need to focus on finding work for next week and the week after... that would be good.

I need to stop eating popcorn now.

Mood: Sleepy Listening to: Sara Groves (all of her albums on shuffle)
Reading: A.W. Tozer, Whatever Happened to Worship?

Suddenly Homesick

Today was a good day. I went in to work, had to wait until it was verified that I was working, took a nap in the meantime (which was a major blessing), worked all day, came home, spent time with the parents watching movies and, most importantly, kept my mind off of what I need work to help me keep my mind of off.

But as soon as I went up to my room and listened to the recording on someone's voicemail, I felt so incredibly homesick.

So, I focused my attention to reading, reading Ezekiel 26 and finishing "The Dangerous Duty of Delight" by John Piper.

I must say I still don't know what to take away from this little book. I understand the concepts - his explication of Christian Hedonism is incredibly well-done, but I just don't know what it looks like practically for me in this time and place.

Perhaps I'm just overthinking all of this. Maybe it's a heck of a lot simpler than I'd like to think it is... I just can't get my brain to that point. 

There are so many things that I desire, believing that they are good desires, but can I truly set them aside for the joy set before me? Can I set them aside in joy and not as a sacrifice? Where there is "sacrifice," there is some level of self-pity, so how do I separate out what has been so thoroughly mixed?

It is so beautiful when it storms. I remember watching the thunderheads roll in and the lightning jump between clouds when I was younger - I anticipated it every summer. 

A storm is beginning inside of me, but I cannot enjoy it as I do the seasonal thunderstorms. 

Perhaps that is where my greatest lesson is to be found.

Mood: Contemplative Listening to: The stillness after the storm
Reading: John Piper, The Dangerous Duty of Delight

Something's different...

If you haven't figured it out yet, I changed the template for my blog. You do 235 posts with one layout and it kind of gets old after a while.

I am currently sitting in my room enjoying the fact that I am neither too warm nor too cold and it is a Saturday night after a good Saturday. I'm tired, but it would be stupid to take a nap given that 1) it's 9:07pm and 2) I already took one today. So, no nap. I might try to go to bed early, but we'll see how that turns out.

Yesterday, I worked for eight hours filing annual performance reviews for a national company. And there's still plenty to do, but I don't know if I have work next week or not (contrary to my original assignment - there's a lot of confusion on whether or not the company's supposed to have a temp next week or not). So... still waiting on that. It would be nice to be able to work because 1) it gives me something to do, even if meticulous and 2) it pays well and my whole plan for the summer is to work so that I can earn some money, give to the Lord what is His, and save the rest. In other news, I'm still waiting to know if I'll have a job for the rest of the summer, but I'm trusting the Lord to figure that one out. Hopefully, I'll know soon.

Lauren's bridal shower was today, so I spent a lot of my time at her future sister-in-law's house catching up with my old small group leader and a few of the girls from CREW. It was fun but being social to that extent saps my energy (or maybe my energy was sapped to begin with because I woke up with a headache - I don't really know).

Either way you play it, I came home and slept until 4:30, when I got up because we met the cousins for dinner at 5pm. Dinner was good, even though I'm not sure I was all there... my post-nap drowsiness hadn't worn off. My cousin's pregnant, though, so that's fun news to report. It's good to have extended family with who you share more than just genes.

And then I came home and changed my blog because I was bored, like I am now. I think I'm going to read and maybe work on some Spanish before I head to bed. Mom and Dad are watching TV (I think), so I might join them for a little bit. I'm headed to the Fort in the morning, so I'm really excited about that, but that's still a ways away, so... I might as well find something to do.

Which I'm going to do. Now. :)

Mood: Good Reading: John Piper, The Dangerous Duty of Delight
Listening to: James Taylor, Greatest Hits

It's only 11pm...

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm going crazy already and I've only been home for five days. I've already gone through all of my old standbys for wasting empty days, but all they are is empty, so I'm glad I've gotten that (mostly) out of my system.

I just miss people, I guess. And it's harder talking to people who are interacting with other people. I just feel cut off. I have a lot to do and I desire to get things done, but I just don't. The likely scenario is that I'll go to bed now and try and tackle things again in the morning. There's just not much else that I can do tonight.

Last night, I did sleep, which was nice and, today, I was blessed with work from this Friday until next Friday, so that's good. I'm just tired and going crazy from being in the house all on my own (for the most part) since I got home last week - it just doesn't work for me anymore. My mind starts going and nothing gets done except it slowly driving me crazy.

Stretching, stretching, stretching... I'd say that's definitely accurate.

Mood: Tired Reading: John Piper, The Dangerous Duty of Delight
Listening to: Acceptance, Phantoms (in my head - kind of sad, I know)

Funny little thing called 'sleep'...

I don't sleep well at home. It's too weird to not have someone breathing in the same room as me.

And, for whatever reason, I just can't manage to turn my brain off.

I miss people. I'm always thinking of what else I have to do. The pile of stuff on my floor overwhelms me. There always seems to be pressure to work and, when I can't find work, to keep looking.

It's just that job-hunting is one of my most-despised things to do. I always feel I'm being rude or out-of-line when I walk into a store and ask if they're hiring. But I do it anyway. And, still, no work.

I just have to keep praying that this summer will be different - that I'll manage to find enough work to keep me busy and to keep my mind off of my habitual thought patterns.

For so many people, summer means freedom but, for me, it so often just seems like a waste of my time.

I've got to figure that one out.

A few things did get checked off of my list today, though, so I'm grateful for that. Tomorrow, I hope to accomplish more (including a job interview and some errands for my parents). There's too much to do and too much time to do it in (from my current point of view) - that just isn't enough motivation for me.

Right now, I'm looking at this insanely long list and my only response is that I can get started on it but, from now, I still have three months to get everything done - that's not purposeful or productive at all.

And I can hardly say that it glorifies God at all to have that attitude.

Which I'm working on, see... I need to glorify God in everything, even when it's not what I would have chosen for myself, because He has chosen this time for a specific purpose whether I understand it or not.

I can trust in that sovereignty, though I so often fail in doing so.

Just hit my head on the wall accidentally, so I guess it's time for me to try and sleep. If this keeps up for another week and a half, Insomniac Summer No. 2 will have struck. Please pray that doesn't happen.

Mood: Worn Listening to: Nothing, to be honest
Reading: The clock - it says "Tue 2:28 AM" [[why can I not sleep?]]

Stretching

There are some things that never get easier. To be honest, I'm beginning to wonder if they just become harder.

In so many ways, I wish this season could be different, but I know it is as it is for a reason and, so, I look forward to it and battle it all at the same time.

But I can't live like this!

I can't just turn off my emotions, either. They taint everything, changing my perspective, causing it to loom about one specific area of my life.

Maybe it just needs to be dealt with, though. Maybe I just need to get it out of my system.

I wish I knew, but I don't.

Right now, I'm feeling completely severed from everything - how can I change that?

How can I be connected and yet removed, and content yet purposeful?

I feel as though I could spend all of my energy on attempts to be content, but there is so much more for me than that! But, in my attempts to be purposeful, will I be able to be content?

I like doing one thing at a time and this is definitely not that season.

If you think about it, pray for me. Pray I get a job so that I can take my mind off of other things for at least 8 hours a day. That would be nice.

Mood: Exhausted, broken LIstening to: My blind hitting my windowsill
Reading: Ezekiel 12

Why in the world is it seemingly impossible for me to sleep at home?

At a loss for words...

Where to begin?

I am officially done with another school year and I have one semester left.

12 credits stand between me and the end of my formal education, between me and the "real world," and between me and all that I do not know.

It's incredible how much has changed in the past year - it's incredible how God blesses us even in situations that we don't see as blessings.

But they make us lean harder upon the grace that saves us and they make us learn to rest in God's sovereignty.

In the end, we know not how to be angry with God - it seems impossible to do so.

We just don't understand and battle the not-understanding, knowing that there should be peace when we can't find it, blaming ourselves when we can't get quite to where we know we need to be.

But perhaps there is a beauty in that, as well.

God has us placed where we are for reasons that we may never know; He has prepared things for us to do and seasons for us to live through for the sole purpose of teaching us how to glorify Him in all circumstances.

This summer is one of those times. I don't understand why things have lined up as they have, but I'm here, I have to return to school in the fall (instead of being done now, which was the original plan), and there is a peace and a safety in that - and I never expected to find peace or safety in these circumstances.

Laura's half-living in the basement. Mom's really excited that I'm home and she has plans for us to do that she hasn't told me about yet, which are supposed to be crazy for her, but I'm excited about that. Dad's watching hard drives on eBay so that we can dedicate not only time but storage space to a recording project. John's coming home in about a month.

And I turn 21 on Tuesday, which has me feeling rather old.

That and the fact that I took what might be my last scantron exam Wednesday. I wrote a long term paper, wrote a short paper on the ethics of MySpace, and wrote an article that I'm actually satisfied with (because I had more than enough information - that's never happened before).

This is going to be a strange summer, for certain, but God will bless it. Perhaps especially because of that.

How strange to have all of my stuff in one place again!

But another year has ended and, now, it is time to look for a job. Again. 'Night.

Mood: Exhausted, missing people Listening to: MercyMe, Spoken For
Reading: David Sedaris, Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim