Exhausted at 8pm

Kind of sad, isn't it, that I'm exhausted and it's not even remotely close to my normal bedtime?

I didn't sleep so well last night and got up for church... and I forced myself to not take a nap this afternoon because I have to be up at hours I haven't seen recently for work tomorrow (day one of four doing inventory - whoopee).

So, I guess it's kind of a good thing that I'm exhausted because, hopefully, it will result in my sleeping well until I get up at 4:15am tomorrow. And job-hunting afterward... I'm just a picture of sarcastic glee at the moment.

When I get through this week, I'm headed off to Montrose for 2-3 weeks (still not sure how long I'll be there yet), so I'll be out in the middle of nowhere for a while, worshipping God with campers I've had for the past five years or so. I'm really excited that I'm going to get to go... every year, it's a big thing to find out if we can still go out for a week or two (or three). It'll be good to see my family on the Western Slope and be surrounded by fellowship for a while.

But I'll miss Laura - she was going to go, but she's having knee surgery (again) in the next week or so, so... she no go. :(

The one thing I feel I'm starving for here at home is fellowship. Part of it is my desire to be anti-social after some things that I'm still working through from the end of this past semester, but part of it is just that I don't fit anymore... and part of me has just given up trying.

I'm going to go spend some time at my Savior's feet now... and then I'm going to hit the sack. Sleep... :)

Mood: Tired Listening to: Mae, The Everglow
Reading: L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

You know you're tired when...

...you can't see straight. As I can't right now. There's a little squiggly line across my vision... I don't think that's good.

I've had a long week, to say the least. A lot of run-ins with my mom (the honeymoon period is definitely over on my being home), job-hunting, interviews, dinners, haircut, etc.

It's been crazy and I'm now tired enough to have a line across my vision. Must be time for sleep. :)

Here are some highlights...

Sunday: I was in Fort Collins, which was awesome. It was great to see everyone for a while. I miss school. :(
Tuesday: Went to TNL with Laura and Andy and went to Chili's afterward. Being Flag Day and Dave's birthday, I gave 'im a call. Good to know he's still alive.
Wednesday: Alison Krauss and Union Station and Red Rocks. Fight with Mom. Complicated but sweet.
Thursday: Job-hunting with the brother at the mall. Secured work for four days next week. That's it. Still looking.
Friday: Late for haircut. Haircut. On the way to my job interview, was tapped from behind by a young woman whose brakes aren't working correctly. Job interview (I don't expect anything to come of it). Went home. Dinner with old friends and their kids (which I used to baby-sit before they moved).

I think it's time to get some sleep before I black out or something. Maybe I'll have coherent thoughts tomorrow. Maybe. 'Night.

Mood: Lonely Listening to: Alison Krauss and Union Station, LIVE
Reading: Luke 12 & 13

Just a Little Smoother in His Hand

The past few weeks have been quite a process, but a good one.

I have been able to come home and enjoy being home; I have been steadily growing; I have been sorting out what became so jumbled toward the end of the semester; I am finding rest; I am being prepared for leadership this fall in a way that God has never prepared me before; I am learning to be content in each moment.

I am being made smoother day-by-day - Christ is working in me and ironing out my wrinkles while preparing me for the new ones He will reveal in the coming seasons.

And I am excited - for life here, for life in Fort Collins this fall, for being a servant devoted to His work, for music, for writing, for all that He has given to me.

I am learning to be grateful, despite the circumstances.

I am learning not to worry about what is beyond my control.

I am learning to lean like never before.

And I am learning how much I need self-discipline.

Tozer's "The Prayer of a Minor Prophet" has been a major point of conviction for me over the past few days.

"Let me not waste my days puttering around the house. ... Deliver me from overeating and late sleeping. Teach me self discipline that I may be a good soldier of Jesus Christ."

Coupled with Psalm 119, which I am spending time memorizing and meditating upon, I have been recognizing how little control I truly have over what I do with my days, over what I do out of obedience.

"You have laid down precepts that are to be fully obeyed.
Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying Your decrees!
Then I would not be put to shame when I consider all Your commands.
I will praise You with an upright heart as I learn Your righteous laws.
I will obey Your decrees; do not utterly forsake me."
[[Psalm 119:4-8]]

"By obeying one learns to obey." [[George MacDonald]]

I keep praying that I would be forced into diligence - that I would not waste my days "puttering" about the house.

I am here to rest, but not to be utterly useless. Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obedience!

But at the end of the day, I can simply pray that I am a changed child - that I am "just a little smoother" in His hand.

Praise be to the God that is determined to smooth our wrinkles.

Mood: Expectant Listening to: Nichole Nordeman, Wide Eyed
Reading: A.W. Tozer, "We Need Sanctified Thinkers"

Friday Night

I had another interview today... this one was definitely more promising than the last.

I haven't slept very well the past few nights, although I have now moved back to my bed (yay!). Yesterday, I actually woke up at 8am because I stopped feeling pain (and it was a shock to my system - kind of funny, to be honest). So... I'm really tired and despite the fact that it's a quarter after nine on a Friday night, I'm really considering just going upstairs, reading a book, and going to sleep as fast as I possibly can. :)

Laura went to the Springs tonight. I wanted to go, but decided that it probably wouldn't be the best idea (for a number of reasons). I'm going to Fort Collins tomorrow, so that's really exciting, but I need some rest first.

Anyway... on my way to bed now. 'Night.

Mood: Sleepy Listening to: Copeland, In Motion
Reading: A.W. Tozer, "The Prayer of a Minor Prophet"

Jail break!

I finally left the house tonight... went to TNL with John, stopped and bought a CD at Wal-Mart (because my mom gave me some money), and went to DQ to see just how busy Laura is at work. :)

Anyway... I almost look normal again. Almost. My cheeks are still larger than they really should be, but the swelling is finally starting to go down and stay down, which is a blessing.

And I have finally stopped feeling nauseous (so I've actually been eating somewhat decently), which is another blessing... I stopped taking Vicodin a few days ago and have, instead, been loading up on Advil and Tylenol to dull the pain. Still hurts, but it is thankfully getting better (even if it is slow).

Still sleeping on the couch... so maybe that has something to do with it. I want to lie completely horizontal for once... I haven't done so since last Thursday! I want to wear my retainers! I want to brush all of my teeth! I want to eat chips! :(

But it's okay... At least the pain is finally subsiding.

Laura dropped off some puzzles today, so I've been working on those. I think I'm just going to take tomorrow easy and, if I'm doing a lot better, I'll go job-hunting Thursday/Friday.

I feel like it's Wednesday... Does anyone else feel that way? I just can't keep track of the days.

I'm planning on heading up to Fort Collins on Saturday/Sunday (yay!) and possibly down to the Springs with Laura and her friend, Andy, on Friday (but that's still vastly undecided). It'll be good to see people.

I'm really getting homesick for the Fort. It's still good to be here at home, but I just wish everyone could be here with me.

Time to do something else... :) 'Night.

Mood: Dazed Listening to: Copeland, In Motion
Reading: Jan Karon, In This Mountain